Thursday Night Turmoil
March 4th, 2010 – #HOW109
Kallisten Coliseum, Chicago, IL
The HOTv logo gives way to the Turmoil logo which immediately explodes as the chorus of “Undead” begins to play as we cut live inside the Kallisten Coliseum where the Hall of Fame announce team of Joe Hoffman and Big Buff Benny Newell welcome the HOTv audience as another edition of Thursday Night Turmoil is underway.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome everyone to another LIVE edition of Thursday Night Turmoil!! What a show we have tonight folks as after tonight we will find out exactly who will be going to the triple threat Invitational Final and of course Benny….Lee is back.
With Lee’s theme still playing in the background and with the crowd standing and screaming, Benny doesn’t need to say anything in reply to Joe…he just points at the fans.
Joe Hoffman: Well as Benny is obviously alluding to…there is excitement in the…
Benny Newell: What I was ALLUDING to….was listen to these fans CHEERING for the return of LEE BEST!!
Benny stands and turns towards the fans and the crowd gets even louder as they see Benny raise his official HOW Flask towards them and takes down a big swig as Joe continues…
Joe Hoffman: Well General Manager Simon Sparrow is deadly serious about a substance abuse treatment program here in HOW and I think folks we know who will be patient number one….ahem..
Joe throws a thumb at Benny who sees it and just smiles as he plops down in his seat.
Benny Newell: Tonight has just one of those feelings you know? It is just good to have the boss man..god is it good…
Joe Hoffman: Speaking of God…I understand we are going to cut to the owner of High Octane Wrestling here in one second but before we do I want to remind the viewers that not only do we have the three Lee Best Invitational Semi Finals matches…but we also have the impressive newcomer The Violence Vince Jones taking on Unstable Elix Michaels in Michael’s HOW debut and also we got The Uprising’s new resident tag team The Axis of Powers taking on Extreme Kaos who literally took out The Brothers of the Beast last night and..
Benny Newell:…..seriously? You are going to keep fucking going? CUT TO LEE ALREADY!!!
Joe pauses and then puts his finger to his ear as someone is obviously talking to him into his ear piece…well make that yelling….as Joe’s face turns into a grimace of pain as we can literally hear Lee yelling at Joe..
Joe Hoffman: Folks…..it’s time for Best Bets with the returning Evil Genius of High Octane Wrestling…LEE ….do I have to…..ok ok ok…MOTHERF……MOTHERFUC…MOTHERFUCKING BEST!!!!
Joe snaps the ear piece out of his ear and slams it down on the announce table as we see Benny laughing and pointing at him as we cut to the office of Lee Best…
Benny Newell: You got yelled at….hahahahahaha
A Best Rundown
We cut backstage and as we do the feed opens up live inside what was formerly the office of the now deceased Mike Best…who took it over from the very man who is sitting behind a very large mahogany desk right now….
As the camera zooms into the now smiling face of Lee Best we can see the smile turn into a smirk as the camera now slowly zooms out and we see that Lee is not alone. On his left side of his desk is another desk..not quite as large or as impressive as Lee’s desk…we see none other than HOW General Manager Simon Sparrow who tonight takes on Scottywood in a Semi Final match in the Lee Best Invitational.
Now the camera pans a little more to the left and it slowly zooms in and we see yet another desk to the left of Lee and Sparrow…this desk quite small and is literally a desk a 1st grader would sit in while at school……and sitting in this desk is none other than Louis.
All three men are dressed impeccably and each has a microphone in front of them on their respectable desks.
We then see Lee point slyly to his right and the cameraman quickly jerks to the right of Lee and we see not a desk….not even a chair…the image starts at the ground up where we see blades of grass and as the camera slowly pans up we see that it is the Emperor of HOW..Maximillian Kael..who is literally standing on a 2 x 2 square of grass from the outside grounds.
Right before the camera pans back to Lee we see another person in the room…and he is currently spraying weed killer on the small grass plot……Jethrol…Max’s personal janitor.
Finally the camera pans back to center and is focused in on Lee as he clears his throat, leans forward and begins his address.
Lee Best: Ladies and Gentlemen I want to first address the untimely death of my brother Mike Best who died after sucking the AIDS out of John Pariah’s cock……..I do not want to get into any more specifics bout his death…I mean who the hell wants to hear about how the amount of sperm in his windpipe literally caused him to suffocate as Pariah imagined he was playing paddie cake again with his dad….I mean no one wants to hear that right?
Lee looks to his left to Simon who shakes his head no while Louie is seen wiping a tear. Best then turns to the right and Max is seen yelling at his janitor to get the insecticide off of his shoes.
Lee can only shake his head as he continues…
Lee Best: But enough about my family…I gave up my family for Lent this year…soooo moving on. Folks tonight I am back fully and after months of watching the very company I built turn into a fucking bad afterschool special it is time to bring back a little edge to the programming….a little….crazy dare I say?
Lee looks to Max who again isn’t paying attention as the janitor is now literally raking the small plot of grass and is continually hitting Max’s ankle with the rake.
Lee Best: Um…..Geritol? Put the fucking rake down please?
Jethrol looks up at Lee and nods and pulls the rake up to his side and with another shake of the head Lee continues.
Lee Best: Tonight the finalists for MY INVITATIONAL will be decided and I for one have no doubts in my mind that the two men flanking me will be there at the end but what I do not know is who will be the third…and before I waste all my ammo on those two assfucks right now let me tell you all how this is going to go down. EVERY HOW Roster member will walk thru that door, stop right there on that pretty little X on the ground and listen as me, my general manager, and Emperor tell them what we think of them….call this a little roster review…..Simon….Max….you ready?
Both men nod as Lee motions for an unseen worker to open the door and allow the first wrestler to come thru…
The crowd watching all this go down inside the arena on the huge High Octane Vision screen can be heard cheering as LSD Champion and HOW Hall of Famer Chris Kostoff makes his way into the room and stomps his big ass to the X and stops.
Lee Best: Ah…couldn’t of picked a better person to kick off this review. First off Chris…you cannot fucking talk or your fired and tell the rest of fuckstains that if they talk they are fired.
Kostoff just smiles as he has played this game with Lee before.
Lee Best: Ok good..now that we got that established, hows that whore of a wife of yours? She hasn’t been sharing cocks with Mike has she….I mean I know a good doctor but once you suck the AIDS out of a cock it’s all downhill you know?
The cameras show Max and Sparrow nodding in agreement as Louis again wipes a tear and motions to the heavens to show love for all those that have fallen to this terrible death before.
Lee Best: In all seriousness though Kostoff….she didn’t did she? Nah I am kidding of course..the only thing that is going to kill Barbi is the amount of asbestos on your cock, but again I digress. Kostoff you are a legend and there is no doubt about it. But if you want to continue to move up the ranks you need to at least change up your style and at some fucking point..oooooh I don’t know….maybe evolve your fucking…quote unquote….character? You just can’t be the smash mouth man pleaser smashing son of a bitch all the fucking time….quit resting on your past fucking laurels and make someone RESPECT WHAT YOU ARE FUCKING DOING NOW!!!
Max and Simon again nod in agreement and Lee looks to Simon for his thoughts but instead Louis interjects..
Louis: CUT YOUR FUCKING HAIR YOU FUCK
Simon looks at Louis and puts his hand over the little mans mic as Lee chuckles as he turns to Max for his review on Kostoff.
Lee Best: Remember Max…keep it short…
The cameras zoom in on the Emperor who straightens his jacket…then slowly reaches into the inside pocket and quickly pulls his hand out and points it at Kostoff as if he had a gun in his hand….
Max Kael: Dead
Now is it Kostoff who is seen smirking as Kael blows the smoke from his index finger.
Lee Best: Alrighty then…..NEXT?
Kostoff fakes a rush at Max who immediately grabs the janitor and places him between himself and his fellow Hall of Famer, who just smiles and walks out door….damn near ripping it off the hinges.
The camera stays focused on the door as we see none other than Christopher America walk in and slowly make his way to the X….clearly dejected.
Lee Best: Ah the great American loser…obviously you cannot say a word or your fired ….and I really have no desire to spend time on you so let me just officially say that I wouldn’t give two shits if you gave up and cried and went home and played World of Warcraft in your bathroom for the rest of your life cause you feel “bad” that you lost to Scottywood last week…..aren’t you his slave or something like that? Nevermind….please just quit….that’s my review…Simon?
Sparrow leans forward and just as he is about to say a word Louis again interrupts..
Louis: RED WHITE AND LAME…
As Sparrow continues to reprimand Louis, Lee turns to Max who now has his janitor holding an umbrella over his head.
Lee Best: Max?
Max Kael: French
Lee smiles as America looks directly at Max with hatred in his eyes but the rest of his face resembles a man that is defeated.
Lee Best: Ok Frenchy ….get the fuck out of here …..NEXT!
America exits and as he does he bumps into Static who rushes into the room and stands on the X and is about to say something but then remembers that he can’t. He does the universal sign for wanting a title belt.
Lee Best: Ya ya ya…you want the LSD title Belt but you lost your first match to Legend..so quit giving me that shit you fucking piece of shit. How am I supposed to go out of my way for a fucking Douchebag that ripped on me when I was sitting in jail for crimes I didn’t commit? In my eyes Static the only way you will ever get a title shot is if the rest of the fucking company refuses a title shot and you are the last guy available for the PPV….cause god knows I am not losing money at a PPV….so ya…your annoying…you’re a pain in my ass….but you sure as fuck aren’t going to get a LSD Title shot just cause simply you talk about it….Simon you gonna ….Simon?
The camera pans over to Simon who is literally going back and forth with Louis and all we can hear is FUCK and STAIN over and over again…
Lee Best: Max?
The camera pans quickly to Kael who starts to speak but his janitor turns on a leaf blower and quickly drowns out all noise as he is focused on the 2 x 2 foot of grass Max is standing on…
Lee stands up and walks over and slaps the shit outta the janitor who quickly loses his balance and shuts off the leaf blower before saying motioning that he is sorry.
Shaking his head Lee walks back over and sits down…….
Lee Best: Ok thanks for that input there Max….NEXT!
As Simon and Louis continue to argue, the cameras watch the door for the next person and it is Griffin Faze.
Lee Best: Ah there’s my favorite Jack off material…..McGriff the JOB Dog..……NEXT!
Griffin is confused but is led out the door as Aceldama is led in.
Sparrow and Louis quickly quit fighting and focus in on the former World Champion as does Kael while his janitor is off plugging something else into the nearby outlet.
Lee Best: Ah yes the man that tried to take me down…who was ready to sell me down the river and the man who thought he could run shit while I was gone…well guess what motherfucker…you aren’t shit…you are over rated…you couldn’t even beat a vagina….and you will never get another shot at that fucking title you piece of non American shit….YOU DON’T LIKE AMERICA..DONT FUCKING WORK IN AMERICA…
Aceldama is dying to say something but he keeps his cool as Sparrow literally stands up and looks Ace directly in the eye and just smiles and motions to Lee that he doesn’t want to speak on Aceldama at this time.
Lee Best: Max….what the fuck??
Lee turns towards Max and we see Max jumping up and down as the janitor is now weedwacking the 2 x 2 square of grass that Kael refuses to get off of because he is Emperor there….no matter the amount of pain.
Lee jumps to his feet and the janitor sees this and stops immediately and can only shrug as Lee sits back down as we see Max rubbing his ankles in pain.
Lee Best: Aceldama I have one word for you and your shitty named Stable…..BACK THE FUCK UP…OR GET SMACKED THE FUCK UP….NEXT…START SENDING THEM IN FIVE AT A TIME!!
As Aceldama exits we see the next five wrestlers come thru the door…Mark O’Neal, Marcus Reinhardt, Kirsta Lewis, Ethan Cavanaugh and Dawn McGill.
Lee Best: Ah we got two people dancing at the PPV and we got a black man surrounded by white women….put them together and they might weigh enough that Ethan might want to fuck you two….but I digress …..anyway…you five are close to the next level and Mark all you need to do is get the rust off while Reinhardt, Kirsta , and McGill just need to prove that they have staying power while Big Dick Easy E just needs to win tonight against that jack off material McGriff the Job Dog to advance to the finals and prove you belong…but until then boys and girls…GET THE FUCK OUT…….AND ACTUALLY TELL THE REST TO LEAVE…….SEND SCOTTYWOOD IN…..HES THE LAST MOTHERFUCKER!!!! NEXT!!!
The five HOW superstars exit and we see Cavanaugh push out his pelvic bone as McGill and Lewis walk by…..the Shadow just winks back at Lee as he exits and we see Scottywood enter the room by himself.
Lee Best: Ah Scotty boy….think you can stand for awhile or should I put a Hello Kitty potty training toilet down on the X so you are more comfortable…
Lee looks at Louis and then at Simon as if to ask Simon to control the little man.
Lee Best: Max you got anything to say before I verbally rape this mofo?
The camera turns to Max who is ignoring his janitor as Jethrol is literally watering the grass..soaking the lower extremities of Kael as he talks.
Max Kael: Bed Wetter
Lee waits for more but there isn’t any more from the Emperor.
Lee Best: Ok Scottywood here is the deal….
Lee looks over his desk and finds the paper he is looking for and brings it up and begins to read…
Lee Best: It says here Scott Woodson has run up a debt of $1.2 million on the HOW Credit Card and..
Max Kael: Ring…he owes $34.95 for the ring he torched….Bed Wetter…
…Louis couldn’t resist as Lee just shakes his head at the people he is surrounded by.
Lee Best: Ok Scotty…you owe High Octane Wrestling, $1,200, 034.95…how in the fuck you gonna pay me back…….cause I am telling you right now..if you don’t pay me by THE END OF THE FUCKING NIGHT..YOU AND THAT POT SMOKING PIECE OF SHIT CANCER ARE FIRED….YES FIRED!!
Louis: POT AND POTTYWOOD
This time we see Simon has had enough as he rips the microphone off the desk of Louis and throws it across the room.
Lee Best: About fucking time Jatt….err.Simon…sorry….back to you Scotty….how you going to pay..and yes you can talk….
Scottywood: Well I don’t have that kind of money and quite frankly..
Lee Best: Quite frankly you are fired then…..
Scottywood: Wait…I can come up with something…
Lee Best: You better..in fact I don’t give a FUCK WHAT YOU DO…shit have another Carey-A-Thon and steal the money and give it to me…I don’t give a fuck…but by the end of Turmoil you better have my cash or you are fired…got it…and no you cannot answer.
Scotty starts to speak but stops and just nods and turns and quickly exits the room.
Lee Best: Ok good..that shit is over with and went entirely too long…thank god I own HOTv and we can go over tonight….Simon….you want to tell Max or should I?
Simon Sparrow: Lee I just want to say that..
Lee Best: Ok I will just tell him..
Simon looks dejected as Lee turns towards Max who is literally has tears running down his face..
Lee Best: What the fuck is wrong with you? You got a hard on for the Pottywood?
Max cannot answer as he just points to the ground and as Lee and Simon look the camera follows suite and we see Jethrol throwing salt on the now wet grass..obviously not wanting Max to slip if the water would happen to freeze in the next few seconds.
Lee Best: Max…seriously….just step off the fucking grass?
Max just shakes his head no and hugs himself as Lee is in disbelief as Simon is laughing.
Lee Best: Well Max you need to get your shit together as your match with Kostoff tonight is now a Lumberjack match and me and Simon have cooked a special entrance …fit for an Emperor in fact….for your match tonight.
Max just gives the men a thumbs up as they, along with Louis, sidestep past Max and his janitor and the scene fades to commercial as the door shuts and the final image we see is of the salt literally entering the open wounds on Kael’s ankles caused from the weedwacker as blood trickles into the grass.
Ever had salt poured into fresh wounds from a weedwacker?
If so…take a few Vicodin and call Immigration Services in the morning
Backstage we see Christopher America making his way down the hallpulling his bag behind him and not in a very happy mood after what just went down for him. He starts to walk down the corridor of the coliseum and then stops dead in his tracks and gets even more angry as the camera pans and we see Scottywood and Mr. Cool walking up to America with a huge grin on their faces.
Scottywood: Why you looking so mad Chris?
There is no response from America who just stares at Scotty
Scottywood: Is it because you lost to me last week and now you’re my slave until War Games?
Again no response from America as Scotty chuckles.
Scottywood: Of course it is. But don’t worry Chris, that will not be the case for long. Because you see by the end of the night you will no longer be my slave.
America’s expression turns from anger to a mix of anger and confusion.
Scottywood: See I Lee 1.2 million dollars due to some credit cards bills I ran up after I lost my job as GM….
Mr. Cool: And $34.95 for Max’s ring.
Scottywood: Fuck Max and his ring…. Anyhow, I think I know the perfect way to raise that 1.2 million dollars, and that is tonight I will be holding a silent auction and the winner of that auction with get your ownership papers. They will be your master till War Games.
The anger again fully consumes America’s emotions as Scotty again chuckles.
Scottywood: But until then you are still my property. So Cancer, place the collar on Mr. America and escort him to our locker room where the silent auction will be held. Don’t want my property to run away before the auction ends.
Cancer places the collar around the neck of America and gives a sharp tug on it as he starts to lead America back to the Cool Reality dressing room, leaving Scotty with the cameraman.
Scottywood: And if you can’t come to the Kallisten Coliseum in person, you can bid on Christopher America on the HOW website, www.howrestling.com. Also tune in later for my match against the fucktard of HOW himself… no not Lee Best, the man that is winless against The Hardcore Artist, Simon Sparrow. It will be a classic!
Starting to laugh Scotty turns away from the camera and starts to follow Cancer and America back to the locker room.
‘The Violence’ Vince Jones vs. “Unstable” Elix Michaels
Joe Hoffman: Well we’re back from break and did we just hear that we’re going to have a slave auction here on Turmoil tonight?
Benny Newell: Yes we did, but who’s actually going to pay to have America as their slave?
Joe Hoffman: I don’t know Benny, we’ll have to wait and see, but what we won’t have to wait for is the debuts of both Vince Jones and Elix Michaels.
Benny Newell: Oh lucky us…
The lights in the coliseum dim and a small fog begins to rise lining the ramp way leading down to the ring. All of a sudden a loud, booming, demon- like voice bellows out the message
PREPARE TO ENTER MY HELL
AND MY GAME…
The words flash up on the HOV in pulsing red letters. The message quickly fades away and the voice bellows out the message
…ENTER THE VIOLENCE
The words appear on the HOV screen embossed by flames. All of a sudden a loud gunshot rings out through the arena and ‘Thug Luv’ by 2Pac and Bone Thugs N’ Harmony begins to blare throughout the coliseum. ‘The Violence’ Vince Jones emerges from the entrance and makes his way to the edge of the ramp way with a black baseball bat in hand followed by the lovely Jasmine. He stops and raises the baseball bat in the air and flashes the hand sign of his old gang from New York as red pyro explodes behind him.
Bryan McVay: the following match is scheduled for one fall, first making his way to the ring from New York City, New York and weighing in at 169 pounds… “The Violence” Vince Jones!!!
He slowly makes his way down ringside totally oblivious to the flickering camera flashes and the hatred of the crowd. He slides into the ring, climbs the nearest turnbuckle and looks out at the crowd as if he’s in a trance, drawing in energy from the hatred the crowd has for him. He finally awakens and points the baseball bat out at the members of the crowd and once again raises the baseball bat above his head and flashes the hand sign of his gang. He then climbs back down to the mat and awaits his opponent.
Joe Hoffman: Obviously not a crowd favorite already Benny.
Benny Newell: Huh?
Jones’s music ends and is replaced by the light music at the start of Slipknot’s “Snuff” which begins to ring throughout the coliseum as the lights begin to dim.
“Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again”
Elix Michaels comes strolling out, portraying whatever role he has dawned when he woke up that morning. Looking almost homeless with his hair nappy and his beard full and griddle.
Bryan McVay: And his opponent from Charlotte, North Carolina and weighing in at 286 pounds… “Unstable” Elix Michaels!!!
He walks down the aisle as he reaches the ring. The massive 6’6, 286 pound man pauses. He steps up on the apron from the floor and looks across the arena. Wiping his boots there, he steps between the middle and top ropes into the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Well from his name we have heard he is a bit odd, and he is proving that so far.
Benny Newell: Someone wanna buy him a comb maybe?
He looks up from the center of the ring, talking to what appears to be himself. As he showcases why he truly is his best friend and worst enemy! Hortega checks each men over real quick and calls for the bell to start the match as Michaels keeps talking to himself until Jones lands the first punch which snaps Michaels out of his conversation as he fires a punch back at Jones. They exchange a few more blows before they lock up and Jones takes the advantage with a big sidewalk slam. Michaels pulls himself to hit feet and Jones hits DDT after DDT, a total of four before he goes for the every cover.
Joe Hoffman: Shoulder up by Michaels, but his head must be hurting after those rapid fire DDTs.
Benny Newell: Mine hurts even more after I do rapid fire shots.
Jones pulls Michaels to his feet and whips him into the corner and charges at him for a clothesline but Michaels rolls out of the way and Jones hits the turnbuckle hard as Michaels hits a reverse neckbreaker. He then springboards off the second rope and hits a legdrop right across the throat of Jones. Jones pulls himself up and gets hit with a short arm clothesline as he slides out of the ring with the match no longer going in his favor.
Benny Newell: Smart move as Michaels is building momentum.
Joe Hoffman: Seems Michaels isn’t gonna let him catch his breath.
Despite Hortega trying to keep him in the ring Michaels exits and gives chase to Jones who runs hallway around the ring before sliding back in which Michaels follows but gets a boot to the head from Jones who is already up on his feet. The stomps continue, focusing on the ankle The Violence locks Michaels into his trademark ankle lock submission move.
Joe Hoffman: The NYC Crippler is locked in, if Michaels doesn’t tap soon Jones will snap his foot right off.
Benny Newell: You know in all my years of wrestling I have never seen that. Though one night in a bar I saw a man.
Joe Hoffman: And Michaels reverses it!
Using his leg strength he powers out of the move and send Jones into the corner, his head smacking the second turnbuckle. Dazed for the moment Michaels pops back up to his feet as he hits a big T-Bone suplex and quickly hooks the leg for a cover.
Jones is able to reach out and grab the bottom rope just in time as Hortega stops the count to Michaels’s displeasure. He lifts Jones back to his feet and drives his boot into the stomach of Jones as he lifts him up for a powerbomb and makes his way to the corner.
Joe Hoffman: He’s looking for The Concussion…
But Jones fires back with punches to the head of Michaels who starts to lose his balance and falls backwards with Jones landing on the chest of Michaels, driving almost all the air out of it. Getting up Jones shakes the cobwebs off and stalks Michaels to climb back to his feet. He does and as he turns around Jones drills him with a big spear. With him on the ground he mounts him and attacks with a fury of punches of elbows.
Joe Hoffman: Michaels is in danger now as Jones is taking charge of this match.
Jones pulls Michaels up to his feet and locks him into a reverse facelock as he lifts Michaels up and plants him with a inverted brainbuster DDT.
Joe Hoffman: The Silencer!
Benny Newell: Wish you would silence, you almost made me spill my drink.
Joe Hoffman: Jones hooks the leg, can Michaels kickout?
DING DING DING
Bryan McVay: The winner of this match in 7 minutes and 12 seconds…. “The Violence” Vince Jones!!!
There are boos in the coliseum as Hortega raises Jones’s arm in victory as Jasmine gets into the ring to celebrate with Vince.
Joe Hoffman: Well Vince Jones picks up his second impressive win in HOW as he takes down Elix Michaels, but were gonna head backstage right now where I hear we have the HOFC champion.
The HOV comes to life and a video begins to play…
“Hey– hey! Get the mask on, I’m starting.”
The voice is hushed, but urgent. The inky black of the picture immediately turns to dim lamplight, as the lens cap is pulled off the camcorder. It’s still enough to be sitting on a tripod, but not nearly still enough to be a good piece of electronic equipment. This is not, however, the focus of what’s going on right now. We could talk electronics all day, but then we’d be ignoring the most important part.
“WOOF–!” Christopher America’s former companion and countryman barks, happily.
There he sits, in all his patriotic dogginess, obediently upon a basic brown wooden chair. Well, as obedient as would be required of a dog who is actually strapped to the chair using a series of belts and leather straps. It’s like a doggy electric chair, minus all the electrodes and instruments of death. That’s pretty much everything you need to know.
“Silence, infidel.” The masked terrorist screams at the pooch. “Your insolent bow-wowing will not be tolerated!”
Oh, yeah, forgot to mention the terrorists.
Well, I guess ‘terrorists’ isn’t the way to put it. It’s more like… ‘terrorist’. Just one. It’s a strange sight to behold, as terrorists tend to be like Mexicans– it’s rare to see just one anywhere. Not that I’m likening Mexicans to terrorists or anything. Regardless, a solitary man stands behind The General, a ski mask pulled down over his face and a beat up looking automatic weapon in his hands. On the end of the gun, the orange tip that comes standard on children’s toys hasn’t even been attempted to be covered up.
“Attention, Christopher American infidels.” The terrorist yells, in a strangely American accent. “My name is of great mystery and secrecy, and of no importance. You may address me as Osama Bin MPlow. You will listen to the words I have to say on your television show wrestling program show, and you will give heed to my alphabet words. In the name of Allah, ah salami Ricki-Lakem.”
He raises a fist into the air, pointing up at his boy Allah. As he does this, The General licks awkwardly at his worn out camouflage jacket and lets out a soft “WOOF–!”.
“SHUT UP, DOG!” The terrorist hollers. “I’m trying to record a video for the real life pro wrestling show!”
The General whimpers, looking sad as he ducks his head back toward the restraints holding him in place.
“I understand your terror, infidels.” The bad man continues, his tone growing more serious. “You think that our nation, the greatest nation in the world, wishes to join Der Autism, the band of strange radicals declaring war on America. However, our nation’s resistance force is lead by me, and me alone, and Osama Bin MPlow has no need for such pathetic, cliche antics. Understand that MPlowsia wishes no ill upon the United States or it’s feeble, overweight inhabitants. Though annoying, like the flies upon a steaming, festering pile of Aceldama tirade, the citizens of Obama’s nation are below the notice of a country as charged and powerful as MPlowsia. We wish harm not upon America the country, but upon Christopher American, the epitome of what is wrong with the Fox News Entertainment Comedy Channel.”
The, uh, terrorist waves the plastic gun around frantically, yelling like an eccentric Shiite.
“As I was mouth saying.” he continues. “I have heard through the vineyard of grapes of a grand and terrible plan. A plan that the greatest of the infidel scum, the one you call Christopher American, has concocted in order to acquire the HOFC Belt Title Championship Title at the Glory March of 2010. A plan that would rob the handsome, talented, most excellently awesome leader of my country… the great and powerful Michael Plow, of his current status as champion belt title holder. Christopher American has declared war on MPlowsia, and his army of none threatens our border. In response to this, the nation of MPlowsia has decided to kidnap his dog.”
He sets down the plastic gun onto a rickety looking table, stopping to crack his knuckles.
“You may wonder where we are keeping this… dog.” He grunts. “But I can assure Christopher American that there is no chance of a Robo Cop Chuck Norris rescue mission. The Generalissimo is being held in a super secret base, deep underneath the ground. This location is so dark, so hidden, and so secret that even top MPlowsian officials are unaware of it’s very existence. So completely off the radar, so well protected that–
“Mike, honey,” An older female voice yells sweetly, from off-screen. “I made dinner if you’re staying.”
The terrorist coughs, attempting to cover the intrusion. It fails.
“Goddamnit.” He mumbles. “Erm, Allah damnit. One moment.”
He quickly bustles off-screen, forgetting to turn the camera off.
“Mom, damnit,” he whispers, irritatedly. “I’m trying to make a video.”
“Oh, more guitar videos sweetie?” Mom replies innocently, from what sounds like upstairs.
“No!” He yells, but quickly hushes his tone. “I… mom I was like 15. I’m making a terrorism video for Turmoil.”
There is a brief pause.
“Well that doesn’t sound nice.” She says, the frown evident in her voice. “You’re not going to hurt that dog, are you?”
The ‘terrorist’ sighs, deeply. There is a rustling of cardboard boxes and a quick toppling of something glass.
“No, mom, I was gonna keep it here.” He grumbles. “But now I can’t, cause the base was supposed to be super secret and you ruined it.”
“Oh, I’m sorry sweetie.” She still sounds confused. “Can’t you just keep the dog at your apartment?”
The irritation in his voice intensifies, as the conversation goes on.
“Mom, it’s a Penthouse apartment. I can’t have pets. Just go away!”
‘Okay honey,” She sighs, before returning to her chipper tone. “Well, tell Turmoil I said hello.”
The upstairs door closes, and after a few moments Osama Bin MPlow steps back into the frame.
“My non-infidel mother sends you greetings.” he mumbles.
The General makes a slight whimpering sound, looking up at his terrorist master with big puppy dog eyes. Quickly, and without hesitation, Osama Bin MPlow produces a rolled up newspaper from his jacket, swatting the dog lightly on the nose.
“No!” he hollers, getting back into his mindset. “We don’t do that. Now, infidels, of what words was I speaking? Oh yes, the decimation of Christopher American and the abduction of his dog partner. As I said, the dog is to be kept in a super secret base, a base so secret that no one shall know it’s whereabouts. Not even me. I shall have my mind erased upon leaving this room, and then I shall only once again know of my own super secret evil plan once I have watched this video at a later date. This sounds improbable, until you realize the technological advancement that MPlowsia possesses. The dog will not appear on Turmoil this week, nor will it appear on HOW television show programs again until the Glory March later this month. In the mean time, be assured, American infidel, that your dog is being tortured… tortured in horrible, terrible, unthinkable ways. Just watch.”
Osama Bin MPlow reaches into his jacket, producing the most terrifying of all doggy torturing implements. A tennis ball.
“You want the ball, doggy?” He asks, in a child-like voice. “You want it? Huh? You want the ball? GO GET IT!”
With a maniacal laugh, the terrorist throws the tennis ball toward the camera, watching it roll off screen. The General goes crazy, trying to chase the ball, but is held in place by it’s restraints.
“You see, Christopher American?” Osama Bin MPlow laughs, evilly once more. “You see what has befallen your canine companion? Only through victory at the Glory March will you again see your beloved friend, Christopher. Only through ousting the grand champion of the HOFC will you ever know the love of your pet dog. Prepare to burn the flag of the country you love so very much, and prepare to degrade it with statements only known to black people listening to Don Imus on the radio, Christopher. Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. MPlowsia will reign supreme.”
He walks toward the camera, leaning down in front of the lens for a close up of his face.
“Osama Bin MPlow, out.”
The HOV goes to black as the video ends.
Here Kitty Kitty..
Lights all over the arena suddenly fade to darkness, the entire coliseum pitch black. Fans became silent and frantically look around for some form of comforting light that assures them they haven’t miraculously become blind. Simultaneously a deep base line and red flickering lights fill the arena with life again. The lyrics “I will break into your thoughts, with what’s written on my heart” echo throughout the arena. As the heavy base line and guitar riffs kick in, fireworks begin to illuminate the stage and Carmen Jennings struts out holding a microphone with a devilish smile across her face. She stood for a moment to take in her surroundings. She scanned over the audience and saw a river of confusion and anticipation staring back at her. Some of the audience recognized her from interference in the match between Kirsta Lewis and Ethan Cavanaugh but the majority hadn’t a clue who she was. She threw the audience a seductive gaze before heading her way down the ramp towards the ring.
Joe Hoffman: What the hell? What is Carmen Jennings doing coming into the ring?
Benny Newell: She’s hot as hell…does it really matter?
Confidently strolling up to the ring she lifted her gaze from the floor over to the ring. A sudden rush of worry came over Carmen’s face. Bowing her head down again and placing her hand over the bandages around her stomach she winced as she was obviously hiding an injury of some sort, Flicking her blood red hair back she climbed the steel steps, bent over and threw one of her legs into the ring. Stopping for a moment to subside the pain she was in, Carmen cleverly made it look as if she was straddling the rope to arouse her audience….and it worked. She slid her other leg between the top and middle rope and walked into the middle of the ring. Flicking her hair back revealing her piercing green eyes. Standing tall and slender her long red hair framing her face and her eyes wondering over the entire crowd. Wearing a red bikini type top with no straps and a fishnet top that’s cut diagonally across the upper half of her stomach, White bandages wrapped around her disguising her obviously wounded stomach as if it were there for appearance. Also wearing a pair of tight Lycra flared chaps and red underwear. Carmen had tried to hide more wounds on her face with makeup but still a huge cut could be seen curved around her left eye. She flicked her fringe over her eye to cover the most part of it. Regaining her composure she lifted the microphone to her mouth and smirked.
Carmen: Well good evening ladies and gentlemen! I assume your all wondering who the hell i am and what I’m doing in the ring while you’re all meant to be grabbing a beer huh? And for those of you who saw Turmoil last week…You’re wondering why i cost Kirsta her match? Well i’m here to tell you!
Fans sit in almost complete silence, eager to hear the story behind this Mysterious face
Carmen: First let me formally introduce myself. I am Carmen Jennings and I’m brand new to HOW, but don’t let that fool you into thinking I’m some clueless newbie that doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into. I am NOT someone to be taken lightly. To answer your question why am I here? I’m here to make my mark on HOW. And to prove just how much of a bitch I can be, and how do I plan on doing that? Be beating the apparent current bitch of HOW…Kirsta le…
All of a sudden Carmen is cut off as “I Get Off” by Halestorm pipes blares through the PA system startling her and the fans. As Carmen realizes what is about to happen she stands back folds her arms and giggles to herself as Kirsta Lewis herself runs out from behind the scenes literally shaking with rage, looking hell-bent on getting her hands on Carmen for what she did. Security rushes out and grabs Kirsta pulling her back with considerable force to make sure there’s no violence between the two vixens. Fans begin to root for Kirsta as she tries to fight her way past the security. Carmen just stands there with a smirk on her face and arms still folded. She once again raises the microphone to her mouth.
Carmen: Nice of you to join us Kirsta. I’m so glad you could make it; I think you really need to hear what I have to say.
Kirsta still punching and kicking at security to try and get to Carmen, screaming at her from a distance. She looks and realizes she’s getting nowhere near that stage at this moment. So Kirsta takes a deep breath and stops struggling with the huge men. Standing back to get a good look at Carmen, she scowls and snatches a microphone from one of the commentators.
Kirsta: You know I was going to ask why you did what you did in my match with Cavanaugh but looking at you now it is clear why you did it. You’re nothing new, nothing that I haven’t come across. You come into HOW and of course you want the spot light. So you go after the one who has had her name all over the place. But your no different than anyone else… no let me rephrase that, no different than any other bitch that I have come across. Erites did the exact same thing you’re doing. Like Erites, I’m going to wipe that goddamn smirk clean off your face. Prove me wrong; let’s hear why you did what you did.
Kirsta’s eyes were almost popping out of her head with rage and Carmen’s smile became even bigger. She sarcastically bounced up and down bending her knees slightly and clasping her hands together.
Carmen: Oh my god you’re so cute! You actually think you have any idea what I’m capable of? So naive. The reason I cost you your match is actually quite simple though; If you had won that match against Ethan Cavanaugh then you would have advanced into the semifinals of the best invitational and you may have been given a chance of winning the world title at March to Glory. Now there was no way I could let that happen Kirsta. Why? Because your ass is MINE at March to Glory. I’m out to prove I’m the number one bitch here in HOW and March to Glory is when I plan to prove that. But if you’re so desperate to try and kick my ass, why wait till then? I’ll happily kick seven shades of shit of you twice in a row!
Before Carmen can even finish her sentence Kirsta had slipped through the security while they had been staring at Carmen and was inside the ring and lunged herself at Carmen. Grabbing her hair, picking her up and balancing her on her shoulder Kirsta then precedes to body slam Carmen into the ground face down. Causing her already wounded face to bleed.
Benny Newell: Catfight Joe, CAT FIGHT!!
Carmen curls up into a ball as the wound on her stomach began to pulsate. She ran her hand over the bandages and looked down. Blood. Kirsta had managed to rip Carmen’s stomach open and put Carmen in a massive amount of pain, slowly her stomach became numb from the pain and Carmen saw red, she got to her feet as Kirsta stood with her back to her gloating and ran up slamming both feet into Kirsta’s back, plummeting her straight into the floor. Kirsta stood up, slightly dazed and was suddenly hauled back by 2 members of security, looking up at Carmen who was also being restrained. The two began screaming at each other trying to fight off the large men.
Kirsta: Of course you want to come here and instantly get top placement among the woman, how stupid of me to think otherwise. Of course you don’t want to prove yourself and work to get yourself to that place. You want me at March 2 Glory not a problem. I don’t have anything better to do that day. I’ll gladly rip you to shreds. Just remember for the better part of 2009 I was ranked the top female wrestler of the World. Of course you don’t have too much on your plate and of course you can handle all of this. Trust me, you want me in the ring, well baby you got me.
Carmen: And how many people did you have to sleep with for that title? And no Kirsta I’m not here to get the top placement from the women. I’m here to get top placement, Period. I’ll see you at March to Glory.
Kirsta reassured security she was done and they loosened their grip. She turned to Carmen once more and the 2 men stood in front of her with their arms spread.
Kirsta: You’re done before you even start Carmen!
Carmen: Big talk Kirsta…Big talk
Carmen thrust her arms and security let go of her and stood back. Kirsta turned her back and began to walk off. Carmen smiled and hoisted herself down from the ring. Taking one last look over the crowd she began to walk off towards the exit.
Joe Hoffman: You heard it folks, March 2 Glory, Kirsta versus Carmen.
Benny Newell: Now that is a match one can get excited about.
Joe Hoffman: I’m requesting to sit at a separate table from you during that match… Anyhow let’s head to a commercial break while I dump cold water of Benny.
WORLD TITLE MATCH
LBI Winner vs. Mario Maurako©
HOFC TITLE MATCH
Christopher America vs. Mike Plow©
TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
AWS Man and Valora vs. Cool Reality vs. John Pariah and Brian Hollywood vs. HOW Tag Team Champions
Carmen Jennings vs. Kirsta Lewis
Marcus Reinhardt vs. Mark O’Neal
Let the bidding begin..
We return from commercial break and we are inside the Cool Reality dressing room where we see America in his cage and Frankie playing Apple to Apples with Kelly, Caner and Scotty as they wait for more bids to come in and for Scotty’s match later on against Sparrow.
Scottywood: Helen Keller wins, hands down.
Kelly: The card was “visionary” Scott.
Scottywood: Haha, I know.
Kelly: You played that, didn’t you Cancer.
Cancer: Damn right, it’s an automatic win.
Scotty tosses Cancer the green card as there is a knock on the locker room door as Scotty turns his head and yells over.
Scottywood: It’s open!
The door opens and walking into the locker room is none other than Oprah herself with bodyguard, as her eyes go wide as she spots America.
Oprah: He is perfect! I must have him! Name your price.
Scottywood: It’s a silent auction Oprah, ya gotta place a bid.
Oprah: What does he taste like? Vanilla?
Oprah: If I were to lick him like ice cream how would he taste?
Frankie: People can taste like things?
Frankie goes and licks his arm as Scotty turns and smacks him on the back of the head.
Frankie: Ouch! And I taste like crayon.
Scottywood: That’s cause you keep trying to eat them…. And Oprah, I don’t know what he tastes like, you’re buying a slave, not an ice cream cone.
Oprah: Ice cream!?! Where? Chris, let’s find some now!
Oprah storms out of the locker room before she can even place a bid in the book as America takes a deep sigh of relief and we cut to ringside.
The Axis OF Power vs. Extreme Kaos
Tag Team Match
Joe Hoffmann– Well are all but ready for our second match of the night as The Axis of Power, coming off their impressive showing last week to Hydra as they go up against another new team on the block, Extreme Kaos
Benny Newell– Isn’t Kaos meant to be spelt C-H-A-O-S?
Joe Hoffmann– It is Benny. Since their win last week The Axis of Power have since aligned with Aceldama’s Uprising and showed what they are capable of by making short work of Chris Kostoff in a sickening act
Benny Newell– The old geriatric shouldn’t have been putting his nose into their business.
Joe Hoffmann– But they took out Kostoff, he was getting his revenge!
Benny Newell– Do you see old people beating up kids when they break their windows with their ball? No! He should know better. Maybe it is time we shove him into an old folks home.
Joe Hoffmann– Here comes the new tag team now….
Rose coloured pyros erupt onto the stage as rose coloured mist rolls down the entrance. ‘One in a Million’ by Monty Are I comes onto the PA system as one member of Extreme Kaos, Porno Prometheus makes his way from the mist, with a stunning long legged blonde on his arms, this gets Benny’s attention as he literally is standing staring at the entrance ramp!
Benny Newell– Benny got wood! I like this tag team already
Porno gets a peck on the cheek from the girl as she turns around and makes her way back to the backstage area, not before Porno gives her a firm slap across the ass as the other members of Extreme Kaos make their way out. Tim Mason is wearing his wrestling attire as it seems KC Kash is only there for the moral support, they quickly make their way to the ring as ring announcer Bryan McVay introduces the new team
Bryan McVay– Introducing first to the ring, from Reno, Nevada, with KC Kash….the team of Porno Prometheus and Tim Mason, they are EXTREME KAOS!!
The three members stand in the ring, talking tactics, ignoring the ignorant boos from the High Octane fans, even though they know nothing about them! Saying that though, the more hardcore fans recognise the team from their AWE days and are not taking too kindly to the team.
The lights go dim in the Kallisten Coliseum as “I.V” by X-Japan blares through the PA system as Kenji and William come through the haze and stand in the ramp, both with their heads down until the piano finally gives way to the guitar riff as both men, once standing motionless with their heads down, turn into a fit of rage as both let out a roaring scream and begin their charge to the ring.
Bryan McVay– And their opponents…..from……….
Before Bryan could even finish he finds himself running out of the ring as both members of Axis of Power storm into the ring only to be met by a barrage of kicks and stomps from all THREE members of Extreme Kaos. Mason picks up William and holds him out for KC Kash to come charging at him with a big boot to the skull whilst Porno has Kenji up and the two exchange right and lefts. Matt Boettcher is having trouble getting this match even started as there is still too many members of Extreme Kaos in the ring. KC Kash goes over to give his team mate a hand as he clotheslines Kenji from behind and the two plan their next move. Meanwhile Mason has now got William outside on the matt as he charges him towards the metal ringpost, his back smacking against it. Kash and Porno both pick up Kenji as Kash tells Porno to go to the ropes, he begins to climb as Kash picks up Kenji on his shoulders and delivers a running bulldog, Boettcher gets Kash out of the ring as Mason goes to his corner. Boettcher finally calls for the bell.
DING DING DING
Porno on the top rope comes down with a diving elbow straight to the sternum, and he goes for a quick pin, literally SECONDS into the match.
Kickout from Kenji but Porno is not wanting to let him get any breathing space as he is straight back onto him with what seems like a chokehold.
Joe Hoffmann– We could have seen the QUICKEST pinfall in High Octane history there!
Benny Newell– That is the advantage of bringing an extra man to the ring with you.
Joe Hoffmann– Very surprisingly The Axis of Power went against bringing any of the Uprising members to the ring, wanting to take care of matters themselves.
Benny Newell– That is why America is smarter than everyone else, it’s simple mathematics, three beats two every time!
Joe Hoffmann– I wouldn’t quite say that just yet Benny.
Boettcher goes around to check the hold to see if it is illegal, Porno sees that Boettcher is looking so he loosens the hold, then when he turns around he tightens it more. William, feeling the brunt of his meeting with the steel post is back and feeling his back, he looks in discomfort, but he is now back in his corner. Boettcher turns back and catches Porno on the act and instructs him to let go of the chokehold, which he does. He picks up Kenji and swings him towards the ropes and charges at him with a flying clothesline which sends Kenji 360 degrees in the air! Porno goes for the tag then goes to pick up Kenji, ensuring he is as far away from his corner as possible as Mason takes over and delivers a vertical suplex. He stands over Kenji, slapping him in the face then grabbing at his face, pulling him upwards. He picks Kenji up into a military press slam, Kenji is high above him, but all of a sudden Kenji breaks free and as he falls behind Mason he grabs his neck and connects with a vicious neckbreaker! But instead of going for the pin Kenji feels the momentum has slided in his favour as he goes off the ropes and jumps onto Mason with his body in the air and his left arm he plants a wonderful aerial swinging DDT which sends him crashing to the matt, Kenji goes for the pin..
KC Kash on the outside grabs Mason’s foot and places it on the ropes, Boettcher did not see this action but he did see the foot on the rope and called it as he seen it. Kenji goes over to mouth at Kash but Kash grabs Kenji’s legs from beneath him as he falls flat to the canvas, Boettcher DID see this and is straight over to him to give him an earful.
Joe Hoffmann– This is turning slowly into a handicap match, where is the fairness in this?
Benny Newell– Fairness? How is it fair that foreign scum like this get to live in this country of ours whilst I have to pay added tax on the necessities of life to cover them? Fair, huh!
Whilst Kash is doing a good job in stating his case on the outside, he has totally distracted Boettcher as Porno once again takes to the top rope and this time lands on Kenji with a moonsault, then quickly goes over to his shaken partner and throws him onto Kenji, then slides out of the ring as Kash admits he was wrong and Boettcher is done as he turns to see Mason on Kenji, he throws himself down for the pin.
Finally William comes and makes the save as he slide tackles Mason on the face, then picks him up by the hair and goes to try a gorilla press slam, but his back is still too hurt as he buckles under the pain. Boettcher orders him back to the corner as he limbers back, holding the lower part of his back but this has given Kenji some time to recuperate as he is now on his feet and charging at Mason and lets rip with a barrage of kicks and punches, too fast for Mason to block them. Meanwhile outside Kash is trying to tell Porno, who is holding his ribcage that Mason is in trouble and pointing to the ring. Kenji now has Mason set up for the Gakkarida which he plants well and goes for the pin, grabbing Mason’s leg, but even before the count can be made Porno is in with a diving lunge, pulling Kenji off Mason and jumps straight over to his corner to get ready for the tag, Mason literally sits up and falls forward, making the tag as Porno jumps into the action.
Joe Hoffmann– So far Kenji has been fighting this battle on his own, with William feeling the brunt of a painful visit to the metal turnbuckle outside earlier.
Porno is still holding his ribs, but that is not stopping him as he pulls Kenji upright and throws him towards the ropes and lashes out at him with The Fine Print, a running double knee facebuster, Kenji is out cold as Porno goes for the quick pin.
Benny Newell– This is it, America 1, rest of the stinking world 0!
But Boettcher simply stands there as a bemused Porno looks up at him, Boettcher is refusing to count, Porno gets up confused and begins to berate Boettcher who says something to him but before he can take in what he has said William is charging at him with a deadly spear. William roars as he punches Mason for good measure, sending him off the canvas and down to the matt. William goes for the pin.
DING DING DING!!
Benny Newell– What the FUCK just happened there!?
Joe Hoffmann– I am not sure myself, have to see if we have a replay of that!
Bryan McVay– And your winners……..in a time of 10 minutes 23 seconds……..THE AXIS OF POWER!!!
William picks up Kenji as Boettcher raises their hand in victory as the HOV screen comes to life as it shows Kenji being whipped to the ropes before being taken out by The Fine Print. As he comes off the ropes, you clearly see William tapping Kenji on the back, making a legal tag. The HOV screen goes off again.
Joe Hoffmann– There you have it then, William make a legal tag and the reason Boettcher didn’t do the pin was Kenji was not the legal man. Wonderful refereeing by Matt Boettcher there.
Benny Newell– Wonderful refereeing my ASS! I smell a turncoat in the ranks, a dirty stinking turncoat!
Smile for the Camera
As William tries to pick up the lifeless Kenji, the three members of Extreme Kaos are gathering and making their way back to the ring as William is able to get a hold of Kenji but his lifeless body is putting some extra strain on his injured back. The three men are ready to pounce when all of a sudden ‘Du Hast’ by Rammstein comes onto the PA system and from behind the curtain comes strutting The Great Dane and Static. The three members avert their attention to them as they dive out of the ring and go charging at them, but the two Uprising members have other plans as from behind them The Great Dane pulls out his trusty hammer and swipes at Mason, sending him packing to the floor as Static pulls from behind him Shirley and prods Porno in the midsection before flattening Kash across the head. All of a sudden there is a sickening laugh heard throughout the arena as Aceldama walks to the ramp, sporting a rather fetching tuxedo and holding an old camera, tripod and all and in his other hand he holds a microphone.
Aceldama– Tut tut tut, Americans, they share the same traits as your common dog. At first disobedient, unrelenting, but with a little training, all can be fixed….
Aceldama pulls out three dog collars and waves them about whilst walking towards the three men. William and Kenji are now outside the ring and walking towards the commotion as Aceldama dangles the chains of the dog collars over the lifeless bodies of Extreme Kaos.
Aceldama– First lesson that must be taught, knowing who the dominant one is. Put these on them!
Aceldama hands Static and The Great Dane the dog collars as they put them around the necks of the three men as Aceldama stands and watches. The Axis of Power stand confused as to what is happening.
Aceldama– Good, now, the second lesson, the lesson of humiliation. You lost your match, but still you think you can come out with the moral victory? This is not some fairy tale story, this is reality, you lose, you lose. Parade these dogs back to the ring, they are not done yet.
Static takes one of the chains, whilst the Great Dane takes another, whilst Kenji takes the third as they begin to pull upon the chains and lead their men back to the ring. Aceldama goes back to the ramp and collects his camera. The three men are not going without a fight as they try to pull back. Aceldama is not happy, he goes back on the microphone again.
Aceldama– If the dog refuses to walk you must show it who is boss, you walk THEM, not the other way around!
The three men rough their ‘dogs’ up and finally they begin to move on all fours towards the ring as Aceldama sets up his tripod by the ramp and begins to check the camera and focus on the men’s humiliating walk back to the ring. He takes a photograph, it comes out the other end as Aceldama takes the celluloid and begins to blow upon it, he looks at it, smiling, then pockets it in his tuxedo jacket and takes the camera and walks down to the ring. Each man has taken one of the members of Extreme Kaos and brought him up the steps and into the ring. Aceldama makes his way into the ring and stands looking at his members, each holding tightly onto the chains of their dog collars, literally choking out the Extreme Kaos members, all except William, he goes over to him and asks him to do something for him. William obliges and goes out of the ring and grabs a chair and comes back into the ring and sets it down in front of Aceldama as he is once again setting up his camera. With the tripod set up and the camera pointing where he wants it, he grabs the chair and pulls it forward, directly in front of the three men.
Aceldama– Now…..where was I? Oh yes, your little lesson. You see your country….
Porno is beginning to run his mouth to Aceldama, and Aceldama is far from impressed.
Aceldama– Somebody shut him up he is giving me a headache!
Static is the man to do so as he takes Shirley and punts Porno across the back of the head, knocking him out.
Aceldama– Good. Nearly lost my train of thought there. Your country takes great pride in the humility of others, but what happens when it is on the other foot? Isn’t nice is it? Your men and woman in the armed forces took great pleasure at photographing prisoners of war in humiliating situations, stockpiling them on top of one another whilst your countries men and woman stood with smiling faces, urinated on them, literally tried to crush their spirit. Now it is your turn. Extreme Kaos, you will be that example, that humility is not something you want to encounter, something that should never be bestowed upon anybody, even the most hardened of criminals. Those men and women’s only crimes was defending their rights, and fighting against an OPPRESSOR in America, but still they are subjected to SICKENING acts! Now once again, smile for the camera.
Aceldama gets up from his chair and goes to his camera, tilting his head from side to side. He is about to take the photograph when he stops and moves forward, going back onto the microphone.
Aceldama– Come on, these men still have some dignity left, I can see it through the lens; take the last of it from them!
The four men begin to viciously beat down upon Extreme Kaos with every limb and weapon imaginable, but Aceldama still is not satisfied.
Aceldama– I cannot see their bruises, remove their clothing, I can see the red, now time to see the blue.
The four members of the Uprising proceed to rip the clothing off the men until they are almost naked as Aceldama sits back down on his chair, taking in the image.
Aceldama– That is better.
He gets back up of his chair and goes back to his camera, standing behind it and peering into the lens, he looks up at the men who strike a pose beside the semi naked bodies of Extreme Kaos
Aceldama– That is it, smile for the cameras
There is a flash, as one photo comes out, then another as a second one comes out, sending the first to the ground. Aceldama picks up the one from the ground and walks over slowly, blowing upon it, then looks at it for a while before leaning down in front of the three men.
Aceldama– You see, we are not all bad. A little memento from us at Der Austand, a keepsake to remember the time you thought you could blindside us. Because you see, we work together, no one man stands alone, you try to make a problem for the Axis, then you are our problem. Here….from us to you.
Aceldama takes the photo and shoves it into the mouth of KC Kash, then stands up and looks around the arena, the boos are almost deafening.
Aceldama– Our words are simple, forget our words, watch our actions. Too many of you back there like to talk, but you’re unwilling to follow up on your threats. We don’t talk. This first act is a lesson to all you Americans out there. That your actions must have consequences. You want to bad mouth us, you want to black list us, fine. Only fuels what we will do. Also, that we work together, this team is a finely tuned engine, and together nobody can tear us down, and anybody who is brave enough to step up to the plate and prove us wrong…..will get it coming to them. We ALWAYS get what we want, because we don’t talk about getting it, we simply TAKE it.
Aceldama turns his attention to Static, standing swinging his trusty Shirley as he feels the cold stare of Aceldama on him. Aceldama stands face to face with him, walks forward and stands on TOP of Mason as he now looks down on Static, head tilted.
Aceldama– Static, oh Static, my English friend. Before our countries were at war with one another, but we forget that don’t we? Because we are bonded together by one thing, our hatred for the country we stand upon tonight. And Static….what is it you want to take?
Aceldama hands Static the microphone
Static: I think it’s quite simple, We’ve already discussed this, but since we’re here, these ignorant Americans may need reminding. I…WANT….KOSTOFF!!
The fans begin to boo again, Static grinning as he puts the mic back to his mouth.
Static: Don’t think so badly of him, he’s just a geriatric old man who has stumbled across a pot of gold, sort of. He’s a typical redneck American, his heart is fuelled by alcohol and his rage is fuelled by his idiotic thoughts. He’s nothing but a shadow of his former self. How he became LSD champion even confuses me but we all know that’s going to change.
All the members of the uprising nod in agreement with Static, as the crowd continue to boo every so often towards Statics words.
Static: I am the powerhouse of the uprising. I am the epitome of destruction. I destroyed David Black, have we seen him since? Of course we haven’t. That is only the beginning, Der Austand will continue to show its true meaning of power, we will destroy the Americanism within this company, this company will Fear us.
Aceldama smirks before he takes back the mic and raises it; the crowd already stirring up another chorus of boo’s before he’s even spoke.
Aceldama– All words Static, all words, but what are you willing to do to show you deserve him? Are you willing to take it all? Let’s see what you are capable off.
Aceldama gets up off Mason and kneels down in front of him, taking off his dog collar, then proceeds to slap him several times to wake him up.
Aceldama– Well lets see Static how good you are at taking something, ok big guy you are free to go.
Mason startled looks around at his still unconscious team mates, then quickly stands up and makes a run for it, diving frantically out of the bottom rope and towards the matt. Static is about to go charging after him but Aceldama puts his hand out and stops him.
Aceldama– Now….let’s see if this dog wants to play catch.
From inside his tuxedo jacket Aceldama pulls out a baseball as Static preps himself up. Aceldama throws the ball into the air and Static lets swing as the ball goes straight over the ropes and flies in the direction of Mason, smacking him straight across the head, sending him flattening to the ground, blood coming from a wound on the back of his head.
Aceldama– Good, not very good, but it is a start I guess. That LSD title is close for you, but it is in your hands now Static, you want that title, YOU must go and take it. I cannot help you; you must learn this lesson yourself…..Now…..my great Viking warrior, what is it that you want so much?
He throws the microphone into the unexpecting Great Dane’s mouth
The Great Dane– I want Johnny Legend
Aceldama– And why do YOU think you deserve such a chance?
The Great Dane– Why do I deserve the chance? Because I need only just that…ONE chance. One single chance to prove my superiority over any and all Americans on the roster and all across this entire crapshack of a country. And what better place to start than with someone who is a poster boy for all things American; cocky, arrogant, low IQ and of course…completely lacking even the slightest shred or trace of talent. Johnny Legend is classic American, he talks big but he is completely and utterly incapable of backing it up. And because of that he is the perfect first victim to fall to the might of my hammer. I will expose Johnny Legend for what he truly is…a classic American coward
Aceldama– Very nice, strong words from a strong man. I see good things from you, ICON title potential, but you must first prove yourself to me. You say you want Legend, now go get him, actions Dane, not words, actions.
We see an image of Static looking rather angrily and jealously at The Great Dane as Aceldama puts his hands on the Great Dane’s shoulders.
Aceldama– Now….let’s see how much you want it then, let the little one go Kenji, wake him up a little.
Kenji smacks about Porno until he comes too and pulls his collar off him as Porno gets to his feet and makes a dash for it, but The Great Dane swipes at him with his hammer as Aceldama pulls him back.
Aceldama– Come on Dane, that is cheating…..I like it. But we are a fair bunch; let’s give the little dog a sporting chance here.
Porno gets up from the canvas, tripping out of the ring as he runs towards his fallen team mate as The Great Dane follows behind. Porno trips over the lifeless body of Kash as The Great Dane stalks him and hands a hammer blow straight to the chest.
Aceldama– Wonderful work, now boys, I have not forgotten about you two. I picked you two for a reason, dominance. And tonight once again you proved that point to me, those tag team titles are all but yours, but again….you must TAKE them. Nobody in this federation will give you the opportunity, because of who you are, so you must show them WHY you deserve them. Now….it seems unfair to let you guys not partake in the fun, so why don’t you unleash your dog there and see which of you can get to him first?
William unleashes Mason as he scurries across the ring and to the outside but Kenji dives towards the top rope and leaps off the top rope taking Mason down with a cross body as Aceldama stands in the ring clapping his hands.
Aceldama– You see people, this is why Der Austand will succeed where others have failed before, because we are all about ACTIONS, we take what is ours and soon we shall take every title this federation has to offer. We will grow stronger, we will grow larger and what you see here is NOTHING compared to what we have in store. My members have their targets, I have mine……but the talking is over, soon the actions will come. Are you ready America?
Aceldama takes his camera and turns it around as he sees the four men stockpiling the lifeless Extreme Kaos on top of one another. Static takes an American flag from one of the crowd members in the front row and drapes it across them as they all stand posing in front of them, Aceldama all the while smiling as he takes picture after picture after picture. He picks up his celluloid’s and unfolds the tripod and walks towards the carnage as he takes the photographs and places one on top of each member of Extreme Kaos as ‘Du Hast’ comes back onto the PA system as they walk away, smirking to themselves.
After a recap of the nights events so far we return to see Dawn McGill.
Dawn McGill slowly made her way to the ring. Dressed in a white tank top, Army fatigue pants, her trademark 4″ stiletto heels, and a dog tag hanging around her neck, she slapped the hands of the Kallisten Arena fans along her way down ringside. She stopped and signed autographs for several members of the cast of ‘Porky’s- The Musical’ which was playing downtown and then bounded into the ring.
“How we doing tonight, Chicago?”
The crowd cheered enthusiastically.
“You’re doing good, doing good. I know a certain couple who’s doing real good, too. Shall we?” Dawn pointed to the video screen…
At the Hard Rock in Las Vegas, Mario Maurako and Bobbinette Carey-Maurako are opening up their wedding presents. Bobbinette comes upon a smaller gift that looks like a CD or DVD.
“I wonder what this is?” she said.
“Open it up.”
Bobbinette tore the wrapping off and it was a plain, unmarked DVD.
“Maybe it’s a…special DVD,” Mario said. “If you know what I mean.”
“Oh, I know what you mean, darling.”
Bobbinette popped the DVD into the television set.
REPLAY: PCW Extreme Political TV on P-SPAN #1
[Dawn’s four man paramilitary guard drag out a man tied up and dressed in a Nike shirt with a bag over his head and lead him to the ring.]
Dawn McGill: “Bring him over here boys. Now, let’s see who we’ve got here.”
[The bag is pulled off the man’s head. It’s golfer Tiger Woods.]
Dawn McGill: “Surprise, surprise. Well, Tiger. For completely destroying your marriage by engaging in multiple affairs, dragging your wife through a media circus, and then by staging a press conference where the press were a mile away? It’s time to add you to the tally.”
[Tiger’s eyes widen as McGill winds up and crushes his testicles with her 4″ stilettos.]
[The Testicular Tally now reads ‘4’.]
REPLAY: PCW Extreme Political TV on P-SPAN #2
[The creepy Burger King guy has gone crazy and is trashing the backstage area. He’s already laid out several backstage personnel with a BK tray that’s now in pieces. He about to slam a chair down on another backstage worker when Dawn McGill runs out. She winds up and nails the creepy BK guy in the balls. He falls to the ground, but still has the creepy smile on his face.
The Testicular Tally now reads ‘6’]
Suave: “Well. That was creepy.”
His face turning bright red, Mario looked like he wanted to whack something.
Dawn grinned. “I warned you, Mario. For every women you ‘whack,’ I will annihilate two deserving men in the most unpleasant fashion. Happy honeymooning, kids. But now, I’d like to get serious here.” Dawn walked to the middle of the ring and signaled to the back.
“You see, Ace was just out here and he was telling you how America was bad and America was the reason he lost the HOW World Title. Let’s tell it straight, people- Der Austrand is a fraud. ”
A line of people streamed from the back towards the ring.
“… Der Austrand is based on nothing but a bunch of lies and spin based to mask the fact that Aceldama is upset because he lost the world title to a woman…”
The people start climbing into the ring.
“…Ladies and gentlemen, the level of competition and the caliber of wrestlers here in High Octane Wrestling means that there is a very thin line between winning and losing a match. I, of all people, should know seeing as more often than not, I’ve been on the wrong side of that line. But you don’t see me coming out here and crying about the unfairness of it all. You don’t see me claiming America is sexist just because I lost the LSD title to Chris Kostoff. No, I go back to work and try to get that much better. Ace, I believe you were the champion for six months. Given the talent level in HOW, that’s an impressive feat. The Aceldama who defeated Perfect Paul Paras in a best of seven series. The one who overcame the odds no matter what Lee Best threw in front of him. That’s the Aceldama I hold in great respect. Not the man throwing this public temper tantrum and threatening retribution on HOW. Not the man who recruited Static, who’s not a wrestler but a felon masquerading as one, into his little Axis of Ignorance. Not the one who’s allowed himself to be deluded by whoever is in his head right now. That’s right, the great Aceldama, former HOW World Champion, ranked in the top 10 in the world for most of 2009, reduced to being a common toady for someone else’s interest and all because he lost to a woman. How sad. No, how pathetic…”
Dawn turns to make sure everyone is in the ring.
“…the fact that you recruited Static to your gang shows that all you’re doing is using America as a scapegoat, a pretext to justify the violence that you apparently intend to unleash in HOW. In my mind, that makes you and your so-called group nothing more than a bunch of common thugs.
“You completely misread the fear you supposedly sense. The fear doesn’t come from us. The fear manifests itself in the blustery, threatening words that come out of your piehole. I don’t see a heroic uprising; I see a common gang of pathetic, weak-minded bullies hiding behind their ‘strength,’ parroting lies and propaganda.
“As Maggie Thatcher once said ‘this lady is not for turning.’”
Dawn takes a few steps back to join the rest of the group in the ring.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that THIS is America. Ken Worth aka the American Trucker…”
The American Trucker from PCW’s American Heartland Coalition steps forward. The others follow once Dawn has introduced them.
“…Dave the Mechanic…‘The Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin…‘The Princess of Political Incorrectness’ Andrea Doria…Tequila Sheila…‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido…‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott…Hallie Burton…O’Beck Bahama…this is the face of America. Man. Woman. Afro-American. Anglo-American. This is the heart of America and the best of America. Not the pack of lies and outright distortions that you’re trying to foist off as the truth. This country may not be perfect, we all will admit that. But I will not stand idly by and allow you to use the very platform guaranteed by our Constitution of freedom of speech to trash the very values that allow Aceldama and others of his ilk the right to express his opinions without government intervention go unchallenged. David Duke has the right to espouse racist views. He doesn’t have the right to propagate violence. And really, for this talk about America, and all these bad things America has supposedly done, that is what the Uprising is all about. Propagating violence. Trying to use fear and deceit as a weapon. This Uprising is nothing more than a bunch of common, schoolyard bullies and thugs trying to mask their emotional insecurities to justify violence for violence sake. Not even the best Goebbelistic propaganda can hide that fact.”
What is going to happen with PWX STILL in control of the HOW Tag Team Titles?
Griffin Faze vs. Ethan Cavanaugh
Back live from commercial break, the attention of thousands of fans inside the arena and millions of viewers watching at home is directed to the HOV screen, where an updated graphic of the LBI Knockout Stage Tournament Bracket is illustrated.
Inside the ring, the presence of Ethan Cavanaugh and Griffin Faze already standing in their respective corners gives us the indication that we’re ready for our first of three semi-final Invitational matches of the night. As Referee Joel Hortega checks both competitors for weapons, Joe and Benny welcome us back with some hype for the rest of the show.
Joe Hoffman: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back! And for those of you that are just joining us here on Turmoil, it’s been one heck of a night thus far, wouldn’t you say Benny?
Benny Newell: Duh, jackass. Lee Best is a righteous free man and is back where he belongs. As far as I’m concerned, this night can’t get any better.
Joe Hoffman: Well, that’s certainly a topic of debate as we still have so much more to come… including the anticipated announcement of who – from our roster – will be awarded with the highly sought-after prize of War Games captain!
Benny Newell: As a betting man, my money’s on Aceldama, who will obviously jump to select a squad of anti-American fucktards for the match inside the Roman Coliseum.
Joe Hoffman: Well, putting whoever it may be aside for a moment, it’s hard to believe that we’re already hyping a pay-per-view for June when we haven’t even finalized the card for March 2 Glory yet! Just goes to show you how big of an event War Games truly is…
Benny Newell: Didn’t I have sex with the ICON title during last year’s War Games?
Joe Hoffman: MOVING ON… well, it looks like we are just about set to determine the first of three Invitational tournament finalists. Ethan Cavanaugh against Griffin Faze… who ya got, Buff?
Benny Newell: Well I’d be lying if I said I anticipated either of these two jobbers to be left standing, but I’m gonna go with Ethan in this one after his shadow knocks everyone the fuck out at ringside. Shit, Joe… we might wanna look out for that thing.
Before Joe can respond, Hortega’s call for the bell sees Faze and Cavanaugh quickly engage in a collar-and-elbow tie-up in the center of the ring. A brief standstill ensues before Griff uses his slight strength advantage to back Ethan down into a corner. As neither man shows any sign of letting the other go, Hortega forces a break that sees Griffin comply immediately.
Fortunately for Cavanaugh, this momentary pause was all he needed to shift the advantage in his favor as he raises a quick knee to Griffin’s mid-section, doubling him over.
Joe Hoffman: Gutwrench Suplex! Quick cover by Cavanaugh!
Hortega barely counts to “uno” before Faze gets his shoulder up.
Joe Hoffman: No! Griffin Faze showing the resiliency of a lion right there! You can’t question this kid’s heart!
Frustrated by the quick kick out, Cavanaugh drives an elbow into the temple of Griffin Faze, which keeps his opponent staggered enough to apply a Kneeling Dragon Sleeper.
Benny Newell: Cavanaugh with the submission, looking just about as motivated as he does when his EBT balance runs out!
Ethan’s tenacity is evident as he tries to lock in a firm grip on the maneuver. Unfortunately, he has a tough time keeping his position long enough to do so as again, Faze’s resiliency comes into play. Twisting his body, Griffin is able to slip out of the maneuver before Ethan can truly apply any pressure.
Joe Hoffman: Nice out by Faze there, avoiding a potentially disastrous encounter.
Popping up to his feet, Griffin ducks a Short Arm Clothesline by Cavanaugh and greets him off the ropes with a Flying Cross Body Block. This time, it’s Faze that hooks the leg as Hortega gets into position.
Joe Hoffman: One! Tw- KICK OUT! A near fall by Griffin… and what a feel-good story it would be if he not only goes on to win this match, but the entire tournament as well!
Benny Newell: I’ll give you a feel-good story, Joe. It’s about me and Kirsta Lewis and th-
Joe Hoffman: Yeah, no offense Benny, but I think we’re good! Folks, as the anticipation builds in this match, let me remind you that only ONE of these two men will advance to the finals; a Triple Threat match that will air for you all LIVE next week here on Turmoil! All we can do at this point is reiterate to you what’s at stake tonight for the remaining 6 contestants…
Benny Newell: And what’s that, Joe?
Joe Hoffman: Are you for real? I’m only talking about the opportunity to headline March 2 Glory and challenge Mario Maurako for the High Octane World title!
Benny Newell: Whoa – whoa – whoa! Fuck jacking off with sandpaper for a minute… the winner gets a World title shot?!?
Joe Hoffman: Benny, we do this every year.
Benny Newell: Then why wasn’t I given an invite to the fucking tournament?!? Damn that cock gobbler, Mike Best!
Joe Hoffman: God, rest his soul.
As Benny and Joe continue with their banter, Griffin is able to keep Cavanaugh grounded with a Leg Drop across the chest, followed by a Springboard Moonsault into another pin attempt.
Joe Hoffman: Another kick out by Cavanaugh! Don’t count him out yet, ladies and gentlemen! Despite what some may consider an easy road to this match, Ethan’s easily showing that he’s not one to be overlooked.
Benny Newell: You know, we haven’t seen his shadow play a factor in this match yet, Joe. You just wait til it starts wreaking havoc…
Joe just rolls his eyes as Griffin brings Ethan back to his feet. A few jabs from Faze appear to daze his opponent at first, but Cavanaugh begins returning each punch with impact blows of his own. This results in a back and forth exchange until the momentum for Cavanaugh builds up too much for Griffin to handle. With Faze on his heels, Cavanaugh caps off a flurry of punches with a powerful Pele Kick that drops Griffin like a sack of bricks.
Having anticipated the pin, Hortega is already in position as Cavanaugh applies the Lateral Press.
Joe Hoffman: No! Faze is not to be denied!
Having felt how close he was to pulling off the victory, Ethan quickly composes himself before signaling to the crowd that it’s time to finish Faze off. As he does so, Griffin rolls over to his knees, perhaps feeling a bit of desperation himself as everything he has worked so hard for was now in jeopardy.
Stalking his opponent from behind, Cavanaugh watches as Faze uses the help of the ropes to pull himself to his feet. The crowd gasps as Griffin turns to face Ethan, who charges forward with a boot to Griffin’s midsection.
Joe Hoffman: MAGIC BLACK!!!
Benny Newell: No! Griffin blocks it!
Catching Ethan’s boot, Griffin uses it to spin his opponent around, right into his Killswitch set up! But before he can capitalize with the Fazeplant, Cavanaugh drops to his knees and pulls Griffin forward into a pinning combination.
Benny Newell: THE SHADOW REIGNS SUPREME! Cavanaugh advances!
Joe Hoffman: NO!! Referee Joel Hortega is adamantly denying the pin fall, saying Faze got the shoulder up just in the nick of time! This match will continue!
Unfortunately, Cavanaugh doesn’t realize this as he figures Joel Hortega is just a crazy Mexican that wants to celebrate in his victory. He fails to see Griffin recover to his feet behind him.
Benny Newell: Lookout Ethan!
Joe Hoffman: FAZEPLA– NO!!! CAVANAUGH COUNTERS!
Breaking free from the Killswitch position, Cavanaugh grabs the arm of a startled Griffin Faze and whips him into the ropes. As Faze comes off, Ethan catches him with an STO and hooks it right into a D’Arce Choke Hold!!
Joe Hoffman: TYNESIDE! TYNESIDE! TYNESIDE! Ethan has it locked in the center of the ring! Griffin has no where to go!
Faze screams in agony as Cavanaugh wrenches his submission hold, but surprisingly, Griffin doesn’t quit.
Benny Newell: How the fuck is this little puke not tapping? All must succumb to the shadow!
Joe Hoffman: This is inspiring folks… Griffin Faze is REFUSING to give up!
In a perfect position, Hortega verifies that Griffin has not tapped yet, which only causes Cavanaugh to wrench the hold even harder.
Joe Hoffman: Ethan is doing everything he can, it seems, to break his opponent in half! He’s just not submitting! He doesn’t want to give up on his dream of winning the World title!
Finally, screams of agony subside for Griffin Faze as it appears that the pain that Ethan has inflicted forces him to lose consciousness.
Joe Hoffman: CAN HE HOLD ON?!?
Suddenly, we see Joel Hortega call for the bell after a brief conference with Bryan McVay.
DING ~ DING ~ DING!
Benny Newell: I didn’t know McVay could understand Spanish!
Bryan McVay: Ladies and Gentlemen, Referee Joel Hortega has informed me that due to loss of consciousness, Griffin Faze can no longer continue. THEREFORE, the winner of this match in 8:13… ETHAN CAVANAUGH!!!
Joe Hoffman: My God, he’s done it! Ethan Cavanaugh advances to the finals of the Invitational!
Ethan releases Griffin Faze with a look of exhaustion before Joel Hortega raises his arm in victory.
Joe Hoffman: What an inspiring performance by Ethan Cavanaugh, who has now EARNED his place in the final 3 of this tournament!
Benny Newell: I hate to admit it Joe, but Ethan is going to get a serious reality check against any of the fuck-nuts who prove to advance in our next two matches. He’s going to be in some pretty tough company.
Joe Hoffman: Well, I can’t argue there. With one of the remaining 6 down, who else will be sent packing? You’ve got to stay tuned to find out, but for right now, we’ve got none other than Christopher America standing by…
Fanning the Flames
The HOV screen cuts backstage to the Cool Reality locker room as we see Christopher America standing in his cage as from behind the camera we hear the familiar voice of Frankie the Cameraman.
Frankie: You sure I am supposed to be doing this Chris? I think Scotty wouldn’t approve.
Christopher: Just point the camera at me and shut up.
Christopher: Good, Now I know that a lot of you may be asking yourselves what I am doing out here. The thing is, there are several events that have happened in HOW that have gone on without me speaking out on them and I know that most of you came here today to hear what I have to say.
Christopher: First off, to Mike Plow…
The crowd boos at the mere mention of his name.
Christopher: You dognapped the General YOU SON OF A BITCH! Even worse, you forced him into the vet’s office to have him neutered.
Christopher pauses for a moment.
Christopher: You know, Mike, if you had told the General and myself that you desired a pair of balls to call your own, we would have pointed you in Aceldama’s direction. He hasn’t needed his since he lost to Bobbinette Carey a few weeks ago!
The crowd cheers.
Christopher: As far as your little stipulations go… about me burning the flag and denouncing America if I lose… you’re on. BUT… I have a few conditions of my own. At March 2 Glory, America/Plow 2 for the HOFC Championship, the good thing is that there will be a lot less people involved in our match. When we fight for the HOFC Championship, there will be no rounds. There will be no bells. There will be no referee. There will be no judges. IT’S YOU! IT’S ME! AND A PAIR OF EMTS. THE MATCH ENDS WHEN THE EMTS DETERMINE ONE OF US IS UN-FUCKING-CONSCIOUS!
The crowd cheers wildly.
Christopher: Now, a certain group of people have been wandering around HOW calling themselves the Uprising. They are led by Aceldama and they—
Scottywood: Woah! Who said you could address the HOW audience? Because I certainly don’t remember giving you permission.
Scottywood: Shut up! You’re damn lucky that you won’t be mine for much longer, or else I’d leave you in that cage until War Games. And I certainly wouldn’t let you wrestle in any title match against Mike Plow. But I guess that will be up to the winner of the silent auction. Now Frankie, shut that camera off so…
Voice: Excuse me; is the silent auction still on?
Frankie turns the camera around and we see none other than Max Kael with a large smile on his face.
Scottywood: Of course Max, looking for a slave to work in the parking lot?
Max Kael: Why yes, would save me lot of money to have someone work for free. And it’s something that Simon Sparrow has never had before!
Scottywood: Well then bid away.
Max Kael: Sure, I’ll bid the exact amount you owe me for torching my ring, and then when I win we can call it even…
Max scribbles a number down in the book as he then walks out of the Cool Reality locker room as we cut elsewhere in the coliseum.
We cut to the office of the HOW General Manager, Simon Sparrow, who is sitting behind his desk causing the HOW fans to cheer. On the wall behind him is the official poster for “March 2 Glory”. Sparrow is wearing a black dress shirt, black paisley tie, and a black button vest.
Simon Sparrow: Ladies and gentlemen….tonight, I would like to address a growing concern of mine with regards to High Octane Wrestling. That is….Terrorism! Verbal attacks on High Octane Wrestling, physical assaults on members of the HOW roster….a vicious cycle is developing and it is time to nip this problem in the proverbial butt.
There is mumbling heard in the background causing Simon Sparrow to turn his head.
Simon Sparrow: Are you sure?
Simon Sparrow turns back to the camera.
Simon Sparrow: Apparently, the correct term is to nip this in the “bud”. Anyway, I have sat back as I have watched Kostoff get blindsided not once, but twice! Blindsides so cowardly and vicious that it would make Tonya Harding hurl.
There is more mumbling in the background causing Sparrow to again turn his head.
Simon Sparrow: Yes! It’s a Nancy Kerrigan reference. I’m the General Manager! I can make whatever references I want…..I don’t care how outdated it is, I’m running with it.
Simon Sparrow turns back to the camera.
Simon Sparrow: Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes! This so-called “Uprising” that is being developed involving the Axis of Cower, that whiny baby Static, and that other guy who looks like the lost member of the Village People. What’s his name, Alexei?
There is, again, mumbling as Alexei, Sparrow’s pint-sized administrative assistant informs him of the other member’s name.
Simon Sparrow: The Great Dane! That’s it! But what makes this “uprising” even more baffling is that these nimrods are actually buying into what Wolfgang Bruggemann is selling. Wolfgang Bruggemann is a FAILURE. Look at his failures! Yeah, he held the HOW Title for like six or seven months, but ultimately, he got beat Bobbinette Carey! The same Bobbinette Carey I defeated just under a year ago to knock her out of the Hall of Fame! He also failed in his search for redemption. We all know if there was a class on common courtesy, he’d have a big old “F” after he refused to thank me for allowing him to keep the HOW Title at “Rumble at the Rock”. Heck, your own heart failed you! And here’s his biggest failure of all….
Simon Sparrow goes into his desk and opens the drawer. He removes a piece of paper which appears to be a photocopied document.
Simon Sparrow: Wolfgang Bruggemann, you brainless bimbo, do you see what this is? This the a photocopy of MY guaranteed championship contract that Mike Best…Rest in Peace…had in his office safe. You see, Wolfie, I had a copy which you burned and Mike Best had a copy. Upon his unexpected demise, I retrieved that contract and have locked it away in a secret location until I am ready to use it. Did you honestly think I would recklessly carry around the ONLY copy of that contract?
Simon Sparrow smugly smiles into the camera, satisfied, as he places the photocopy back into his desk.
Simon Sparrow: Wolfie, I’m just letting you know that I haven’t forgotten about you. You’re “Uprising”? It’s just a nuisance to me, really. It’s just a zit on the posterior of the HOW….and I am the Neutrogena.
There is more incoherent mumbling causing Simon Sparrow to turn.
Simon Sparrow: Well, I don’t know what kills butt zits, okay? I know Neutrogena has pimple cream, so I’m running with that! Don’t make me kick you out!
Simon Sparrow turns back to the camera.
Simon Sparrow: Sorry about that. Anyway, enough about Wolfgang Bruggemann and onto the misogynistic Mediocre Mario Maurako, our HOW Champion. A man who developed something called the Crack-O-Meter? Is that it?
Simon Sparrow turns, no doubt Alexei is filling him in on the correct terminology.
Simon Sparrow: Right! The Whack-O-Meter! I’m sorry, but random acts of violence towards women who are not named Kirsta Lewis, that’s almost like terrorism in my book. Attacks against innocent women, not contracted by the HOW, no less! The fact that you are the HOW Champion absolutely sickens me! It’s more revolting than an al nude lap dance from Bea Arthur!
More mumbling causing Simon Sparrow to turn his head again.
Simon Sparrow: Too soon for what?….She died???….Dang it! Give me the name of another revoltingly unattractive woman…Who’s Susan Boyle?….No one knows who that is….Nevermind….
Simon Sparrow turns back to the camera.
Simon Sparrow: Again, I’m sorry. I think my point has been made. But yet, I have not come to the worst terrorist of all….MAX KAEL!!! His unprovoked assault on Louis last week was a blatant act of terrorism against me and my office as General Manager! I will no longer stand for it! Which is why I am heading up the Sparrow Committee Against Terrorism! I have already taken steps in retaliation against one Max Kael….In fact, I have a satellite link up with my Team Leader….
A split screen develops between Simon Sparrow and a dark room. There are two bodies tied to chairs. One is dressed in a Parking Attendant uniform and the other in overalls that read “Maxipotamia Cleaning” and name tag that reads “Jethro”. The Parking Attendant is passed out. On the ground next to his chair is a broken golf club. Jethro, however, is awake and fearful.
Jethro: HELP!!! HE’S CRAZY!!! I’M IN THE—-
Louis the Little Person walks into the frame and nails Jethro in the side of the head with a long yellow whiffle bat.
Jethro: OWWW!!!! That stings!!!
WHACK!!! WHACK!!! WHACK!!!
Louis the Little Person nails Jethro three more times in the side of the head.
Louis the Little Person: Shut up, bitch! Or I’ll ram this bat so far up your ass you’ll still be shitting plastic on your seventy-fifth birthday!!!
Simon Sparrow: Louis, how is it going?
Louis the Little Person: It would be nicer if you’d give me something more than a fucking whiffle bat!!!
Simon Sparrow: You tried the golf club and you knocked out the parking attendant.
Louis the Little Person: The fucker wet himself after I did. It was fucking hysterical!!! It’s fucking-A awesome to get some revenge on that squirrelly jackass!!!
Simon Sparrow: Now, what have you found out?
Louis the Little Person: So far? Jethro here is being a prick!
Louis the Little Person nails Jethro in the mouth with the whiffle bat.
Louis the Little Person: YOU HEAR ME, PRICK!!!
Jethro: I dunno wha you wanna heah!
Louis the Little Person: WE WANT THE WMD!!!
Jethro: The wha???
Louis the Little Person nails Jethro in the forehead.
Simon Sparrow: We want the WMD, Jethro!!! Louis can go on like this all night.
Jethro: I dunno whah you ah tahking abah….
Louis the Little Person: SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH, COCKGOBBLER!!!
This time Louis the Little Person kicks Jethro in the shin, Jethro is now crying.
Simon Sparrow: I want the “Whiskey of Maxopatamian Distillery”!!! We KNOW he’s illegally providing whiskey and selling it to the fans before they enter the arena causing them to not purchase the cool refreshing Canada Dry that we sell!!!
Jethro: You ah cuhrahz—
After four successive shots to the head, the whiffle bat cracks.
Louis the Little Person: SHITKNOCKERS!!! Looks like I’ll have to get creative.
Simon Sparrow: Louis, I’ll be checking in with you later.
Louis the Little Person: VIVA LA S.C.A.T.!!!
Simon Sparrow: Right back at ya!!!
The split screen becomes a single screen showing Simon Sparrow in his office…still.
Simon Sparrow: I’m onto you, Max. When I find your WMD, I’m shutting it down! Even if I have to call the fire department and burn it down….because we’ll need to have it supervised so no one gets seriously injured. Max, should you defeat Kostoff tonight, you WILL be seeing me in that ring next week after I do away with Scottywood later tonight. Now, if you’ll excuse me…. I have a match to prepare for.
We then cut from the single screen to commercial break.
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Mark “The Explosive” O’Neal is sitting anxiously in a lockeroom by himself. His knee is bouncing up and down off of the floor, he clearly seems a little agitated.
Mark O’Neal – “Where the hell are these guys. They are late. I didn’t pay them to be fucking late. Maybe they don’t know which room to come in. I bet that’s it. I am going to go look for them.”
Mark gets up and slowly opens the lockeroom door. He looks both ways and sees nobody and slips through the door, shutting it behind him quietly. He heads down the hallway, trying to walk quietly. As he walks past a door, one opens. Mark jumps and turns around quickly only to see it is a HOW cameraman exiting a bathroom. Mark breathes a sigh of relief and turns around to continue on his way.
Mark O’Neal – “This fucking guy Reinhardt has me on pins and needles. I have whooped his ass countless times and now he is trying to assault me. Why am I even sweating him, I can take him as long as he doesn’t have those damn dogs with him. Now where the hell is my hired protection.”
Mark continues down his way and turns into an opening down the hallway and looks on the ground and sees two large men wearing security shirts on the ground. Mark panics and looks all around him and sees nothing. He walks up to the men who are out cold and looks at their bloodied faces. Mark raises his arms in disgust and then hears something in the distance.
A dog barking, it is coming from behind Mark, He turns to the hallway and follows the sound of the dog to the bathroom door. Mark bursts through the door looking for Reinhardt and he hears the sound of the dog coming at him, so he retreats out of the bathroom, awaiting for the door to open. Mark hears some rustling inside and the door opens, Mark charges and spears the man who opens the door, he then belts him in the face twice before he realizes that he just speared Jose the janitor who was holding his chiuahua.
Mark O’Neal – “Damnit Jose.”
Mark gets up and turns around to see none other than Marcus Reinhardt standing in front of him holding an iron rod. Marcus hoists the iron rod and Mark points his hands up to shield himself, knowing he can’t get away. After a few seconds Mark looks up and opens his eyes to see that the security guards he hired got back up and have begun assaulting Reinhardt.
Mark calls the men off and begins stomping on Reinhardt a few times.
Mark O’Neal – “Haha mother fucker. You have your dogs, well now I have my dogs. Even the score a little bit. Don’t think you can intimidate me Marcus. I pinned you 3 times already, and soon enough it will be a fourth time. Yet another beatdown, you sadistic fuck. Let this be a lesson to you.”
Just as Mark lifts up Reinhardts head and cocks back his fist to punch Marcus square on his face, two huge dobermans turn the corner loudly, their feet sliding on the floor with their vicious teeth looking ready to attack. Mark quickly drops Reinhardt’s head and sprints down the hall towards his lockeroom. The security guards follow suit.
Mark O’Neal – “What are you two doing, go kill those dogs.”
Security Guard #1 – “We didn’t sign up for no dogs.”
The three men escape into the lockeroom with the dogs barking and clawing at the door.
Simon Sparrow vs. Scottywood
Joe Hoffman: Well we have seen one big upset tonight with Ethan Cavanaugh beating Griffin Faze to advance to the finals. Could we see another upset with Sparrow beating Scottywood?
Benny Newell: That is the upset? Simon Sparrow is obviously the favorite in this match.
Joe Hoffman: Well Scottywood is undefeated against Simon Sparrow.
Benny Newell: He is undefeated against Jatt Starr… He has never faced Simon Sparrow.
Joe Hoffman: Whatever…
The two announcers continue to argue as the lights dim. Yellow spotlights illuminate the ramp from the curtain to ringside. “Everybody Wants You” by Billy Squier blares across the arena as Simon Sparrow emerges from the curtain and makes his way down the ramp to an eruption of cheers. Simon Sparrow is wearing his ring gear and we can see Louis the Little Person trailing behind him.
Bryan McVay: the following match is a Lee Best Invitational semi-finals match and is scheduled for one fall. Now making his way to the ring from Atlanta, Georgia and weighing in at 232 pounds… The General Manager of HOW… Simon Sparrow!!!
Simon Sparrow and Louis enters the ring. A yellow spotlight shines down on the center of the ring and Sparrow basks in the cheers and jeers of the HOW fans in attendance. The music fades out, the spotlights fade out and the ringside lights fade up.
Joe Hoffman: Mixed reaction for Simon… but there will be no mixed reaction for his opponent.
Benny Newell: Because he is a fuc….
OOOOOOHHHHHH, You Gotta Keep ‘em Separated
“Stricken” by Disturbed cuts in as we see Scottywood make his way out onto the stage, barbwire hockey stick in hand and flanked by Mr. Cool.
Bryan McVay: And his opponents from New York City, New York and weighing in at 265 pounds… “The Hardcore Artist” Scottywood!!!
Running down the entrance ramp we see Scottywood ditch the hockey stick at ringside and slide into the ring as he charges Sparrow as Boettcher has no choice but to call for the bell to start the match as Scotty tackles Sparrow to the ground and Louis the little person dives out of the ring to safety and Scottywood starts throwing wild punches at Sparrow who has his arms up in a guard to try and defend himself.
Joe Hoffman: Scottywood wasting no time to get his hands on Sparrow, he has waited for this for a long time now since Sparrow accepted the job as General Manager of HOW and taking it from Scotty.
Benny Newell: He should be disqualified for attacking Simon before the bell rang, what about fighting fair Joe?
Sparrow is able to push Scottywood off him and quickly roll out of the ring, away from the angered Scottywood as Boettcher restrains him from going after Sparrow on the outside, but does start a ten count, which Sparrow uses somewhat as he slides back in at five and locks up with Scottywood who quickly drives a knee into Simon’s guy and short arm clotheslines him to the ground as Scottywood goes in for a blatant choke as Boettcher starts a five count
Benny Newell: That’s a DQ ref! Come on!
Joe Hoffman: He does have that five count Benny, and Scotty did break the hold.
Scotty pulls Sparrow up to his feet and tries to irish whip him into the corner but Sparrow reverses it and whips Scotty into the corner as he follows up with a drop kick that almost sends Scotty up and over the top rope, but The Hardcore Artist instead drops to the mat and Simon starts driving knee after knee into the face of Scottywood.
Benny Newell: Look at those beautiful knees by Sparrow!
Joe Hoffman: Simon has turned it around and Scotty’s face is taking a beating.
Switching from the knees Simon lays a couple of stomps to the face of Scotty before he lifts him up and hits a german suplex that sends Scotty halfway across the ring. Simon then drops a big elbow and starts laying punches with purpose into the forehead of Scotty, seemingly trying to bust The Hardcore Artist open. But Simon puts that plan on hold as he moves to the legs of Scotty, stomping away at his knees before he locks him into his modified texas cloverleaf.
Benny Newell: Jattaclysm!! It’s all done Joe! No way Scotty is getting free from this.
Scotty fights Simon who is trying to get the move completely locked in as Scotty claws at the mat trying to get to the ropes. Scotty is making progress as Simon continues to try and wrench the legs and get a submission from Scotty before he can grab the bottom rope. But The Hardcore Artist fights the pain and reaches the bottom rope as Boettcher tells Simon to break the hold.
Joe Hoffman: What about Simon now using the full five count? Should he be DQed?
Benny Newell: Of course not, he is the General Manager, and if the General Manager does it, then it isn’t wrong.
Joe Hoffman: Ok Nixon….
Trying to catch his breath Scotty pulls himself up in the corner, but Simon stay right on him as he lays a boot to Scotty’s chest and pull him to his feet as he goes for a snap suplex, but Scotty blocks it and reverses it into a tornado DDT which plants Sparrow in the middle of the ring as Scotty goes for the first cover of the match.
Benny Newell: Kickout by Sparrow!!! DRINK!
Joe Hoffman: I wouldn’t expect a win that easily, but Scotty making Sparrow exert the energy to kickout.
Scotty is back up to his feet first and as Sparrow gets up he gets two hard punches to the head from Scotty and then planted with a spinebuster on the floor as we see Louis the Little Person literally climb up onto the apron as Boettcher goes over to tell him to get down as Scotty pulls Sparrow to his feet and in the process gets drilled with a low blow from Sparrow which drops Scotty two his knees in pain.
Joe Hoffman: Blatant low blow now by Sparrow thanks to the distraction by Louis.
Benny Newell: What? I didn’t see any such illegal move Joe, and more importantly, neither did the ref.
Sparrow is now back to his feet and connects with a inverted atomic drop and then connects with a neckbreaker as he hooks the leg of Scotty and goes for the cover.
Joe Hoffman: Scotty kicks out and Sparrow won’t steal this match with that low blow.
Benny Newell: Give it time Joe, just give it time.
Sparrow pounds the mat as he picks Scotty back to his feet and fires away a couple of punches as he goes for the kill switch face plant but Scotty escapes by pushing Simon away and as Simon turns back around he gets planted with a big boot to the face.
Benny : He was so close to the Falling Star!
Joe Hoffman: Close doesn’t win matches Benny.
Sparrow is dazed as he climbs back to his feet and as he does he gets a boot in the stomach and Scotty plants him with an SDT that lays Sparrow out as he grabs the leg for the cover.
Joe Hoffman: SDT!
Benny Newell: AHHH!
Benny Newell: Sparrow got the bottom rope!
Joe Hoffman: Boettcher catches it just in time and Sparrow is still alive in this match!
Scotty can’t believe it as he yells at Boettcher who throws his arms to the side as Scotty turns his attention back to Sparrow as he picks him back to the feet and tries to lift Sparrow up into a fireman’s carry but Sparrow blocks the move and fires a punch at Scotty and Sparrow again goes for the Falling Star and drops to the mat.
Joe Hoffman: Scotty holds onto the ropes!
Benny Newell: Fuck!
Sparrow is confused for a split second as he pops back up to his feet and Scotty connects with his trademark Ice Kick to the side of Sparrow’s head and lifts him up into a fireman’s carry and connects with the DDT.
Joe Hoffman: Game Misconduct!
Benny Newell: Louis, save him!
Joe Hoffman: Scotty is hooking the leg!
Benny Newell: NOOOO!!
DING DING DING
Bryan McVay: The winner of this match in 12 minutes and 47 seconds…. Scottywood!!!
Joe Hoffman: Scottywood gets the “upset” as you say it is and moves onto the finals with Ethan Cavanaugh.
Boettcher raises Scottywood’s arm as the coliseum fills with boos as Cancer enters the ring and also raise Scotty arm in celebration.
Joe Hoffman: Now we just have one last match, either Max Kael or Chris Kostoff will join the finalists. Benny your thoughts?
Benny is just chugging his Jack as we cut backstage.
Huey and Duey?
We return to the parking lot area where Max Kael can be seen skulking about in his ring attire. Flanking him are two Maxopotamian Guards in black uniforms who are armed with batons. Max keeps a wary eye out for Louis the Little Person who appeared earlier in the show attacking poor Jethrol the Janitor.
Max Kael: Boys I haven’t seen one jelly bean button nor dingle dangle bell belonging to that little Elf prick, Louis. If I have said it once I’ve said it a million times, these little fuckers can hide rocks, in the eyes of wooden planks, hell sometimes they even take up residence in hollowed out Toyotas. Whole villages of these damn things can survive in those cause it’s made by the Japanese, you know, made for compact people. That’s why it’s always important to drive your Toyota’s as fast as you possibly can at all times and to crash it as violently as you possibly can into people, walls or anything else that’s sure to demolish it.
The guards look at each other nodding kno wingly as Max continued forward checking near some bushes for the pesky Little Person.
Max Kael: So as you both know Lee Best has some kind of.. special entrance planned for me tonight. I don’t suppose you know what it is do you? I mean you guys are guards, surely you would know if something.. weird came through.
The ICON Champion turns to eye both of the guards suspiciously as they scratch their heads and appear deep in thought. Max points his hand at the guard on the right.
Max Kael: Dewey! I know you watch the rear parking gate often enough now that I have that hot little blood checking IDs up there. What have you seen!
Guard Dewey: Well, I mean I did see that.. well.. I mean..
Max leans forward and props his ear forward with his hand up so he can better hear the guard.
Max Kael: Speak up! What do you mean!? I don’t know what you mean!
Guard Dewey: .. I mean just that we had a lot of odd equipment moved through the rear gate. A lot of costume equipment came in from that Museums Replica place. Looked like Roman gear mostly, a little strange but I didn’t know if there was going to be like.. a Roman Battle Royale?
Max Kael:.. What the fuck are you talking about? Roman Battle Royale!? Does that even make sense!?
Duey scratches his head slowly with a mildly confused expression on his face as he nods slowly to the affirmative.
Max Kael: Oh. Well maybe it’s just me then. Jethrol was doing all kinds of weird things to the grass at the start of the show, maybe he put some kind of weird chemical in it that’s reacting to my weed wacker wounds cause a Roman Battle Royale that doesn’t make much sense to me.. Is that all, Dewey?
The guard nods as the other raises his hand and waits for Max to allow him to speak. The EMPEROR of HOW raises an eyebrow and stares at the other guard for a few seconds.
Max Kael: Really? You’re raising your hand? God damn it, tell me, Huey!
Guard Huey: Well as you know I am often at the front gate collecting the Maxopotamian Tithes from incoming merchants and visitors to the Kallisten Collesium.
Max Kael: Yes, I know, I assigned you it to you! What of it?
Guard Huey: Well, see, we had a lot of well.. we had a lot of special guests arriving today through the front gate.
The EMPEROR of HOW stares at Huey for a moment waiting for the man to finish the thought but seeing no further reaction from the man Max lifts his hands to cover his face. Pausing for a moment both guards look at each other as Louis the Little Person can be seen scurrying behind the two guards without Max noticing since his face is covered. Sighing Max slowly slide his hands down.
Max Kael: What do you mean by Special Needs exactly?
Guard Huey: Well what I mean is that they were all li-
Overhead Speaker: WILL THE EMPEROR OF HOW, MAX KAEL, PLEASE REPORT TO THE BACKSTAGE AREA AS HIS MATCH IS UP NEXT!
Max Kael: Peanut Butter Crisps! Fine! What the fuck ever, I will find out soon enough! Useless!
Max limps away as he pulls his pants up enough to look at the bandages over his ankles from his earlier wounds given to him by Jethrol. Huey and Duey look at each other before heading off back to their guard shifts.
Get HOW Season 1 on Blu Ray Today!
Epic and Marvelous Honeymoon
The cameras open up outside of the Honeymoon Suite at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas Nevada. There are moans of pleasure coming from inside the room and the moaner is instantly recognized as Mario Maurako. The door to the Suite is pushed open and Mario can be seen lying on his stomach getting a massage by Bobbinette Carey-Maurako who is dressed like a French maid. Lying next to Mario on a bench is the HOW World Heavyweight Championship which is getting buffed by member of the Hard Rock Hotel staff.
Mario Maurako: Ah this is the good life. Fresh off the biggest night of our life and here we are in lovely Las Vegas. All thanks to our wonderful boss Lee Best.
Bobbinette Carey-Maurako: Yeah it’s-
Mario Maurako: Oh I’m sorry Carey-Bear I was having a special bonding moment with the Title.
Bobbinette stops rubbing Mario’s back and scoffs in disgust.
Bobbinette: Ever since you won that title it’s been all you think about, all you talk about. This is our special moment and you’re not paying me an ounce of attention.
Mario: I’m sorry; I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you. What do you say when we get back home we have a little 3-way action?
Bobbinette: What? With who, that skank your brother brought home?
Mario: Huh? What? I was talking about me, The World Title, and a Tag Team Title once we reclaim it.
Bobbinette sighs loudly and storms off to the bathroom and slams the door behind her.
Mario: See, women are nothing but trouble. What we have is drama-less relationship, the best kind.
Mario gets up from the table and tightens the towel that is wrapped around his waist. Mario tips the Hotel staff who was buffing the HOW Title belt and shows her the door while strapping the Title around his waist. After the woman has left Mario lightly knocks on the bathroom door.
Mario: Carey-Bear don’t be jealous sweetie, I still love you. Say how about you come on out of there and have a couple of drinks with me and we can consummate our marriage.
Mario: Sure of course.
Bobbinette: I’ll be out in a minute.
Mario: While you’re getting yourself ready I’ll get our drinks.
Mario walks away from the bathroom door and goes to the kitchen area of the huge suite. Mario grabs two champagne glasses and puts them on a tray. With a loud pop Mario pulls the cork out of the bottle and pours two glasses. Mario reaches into his pocket and pulls out three pills as he begins to look around the room. Quickly, Mario tosses the pills into one of the champagne glasses as Bobbinette calls to Mario from the other room.
Bobbinette: I’m ready!
Mario makes a cross symbol over his chest as he picks the tray up from the counter and heads towards the bedroom. When Mario enters the bedroom he sees Bobbinette dressed up in the Princess Leah Slave outfit from Star Wars, and chained to the bedpost. Mario slides the tray onto the bed and grabs the clean glass of champagne for himself and passes Bobbinette the other one. The two HOW Superstars raise their glasses to each other and make a toast.
Mario: To Lee Best.
Bobbinette: And to true love.
Mario: And to the HOW World Championship.
Bobbinette glares at Mario.
Mario: Or we can stop at True Love.
The newly-wed couple clink their glasses together and Bobbinette chugs her glass down. Mario drinks his champagne and places the glass on the night stand. Mario sits up from the bed and looks at the glazed look in Bobbinette’s eyes.
Mario: Oh there’s a knock at the door, I’ll be right back sweetie.
Mario quickly exits the bedroom and opens up the door to the suite and let’s a dark haired woman into the room. The woman is holding a tray with two Italian sandwiches on it and is wearing a red dress with white polka dots.
Mario: Hello Emily, I’m glad you could make it.
Emily: I brought sandwiches.
Mario: So you did. They look almost as delicious as you do.
Emily walks into the suite and Mario closes the door behind her. Emily instantly drops the tray and starts making out with Mario. The two quickly fumble through the suite making out as they make their way to the bedroom where Bobbinette is tied up. Once they get to the door Mario releases the lip lock on Emily and enters the room to find Bobbinette unconscious on the bed. Mario removes the HOW Title and places it on the night stand and gives Bobbinette a good kick which knocks her off of the bed and onto the floor.
Mario: The coast is clear Emily.
Emily enters the room and Mario shoves the camera crew out of the bedroom and the door shuts and is locked. The scene fades as soft moaning can be heard coming from inside the bedroom.
Slave Auction Winner is..
We cut once again to the locker room of Cool Reality as we see Scottywood talking to Mr. Cool as they are both shaking their heads.
Scottywood: I don’t know man, I think we’re fucked. No one has even come close to bidding the 1.2 million dollars we need to pay off Lee.
Mr. Cool: Think we could steal another HOW credit card and use that to pay off Lee?
Scottywood: Think he might notice that… But would be funny.
Mr. Cool: How quick ya think we can get to a bank?
Scottywood: We’re not robbing any banks. Last thing I need is to be caught in some standoff on the 11pm news….. Fuck, there goes my chance at winning the HOW Worl…
He is cut off by the sound of knocking on the door as Scotty walks over and opens it up revealing one of the two men that was supposed to face Scotty next week in the Invitational finals.
Scottywood: What the fuck do you want?
Ethan Cavanaugh: I can leave if you want, but I wanted to place a bid if it wasn’t too late.
Scottywood: Sorry man, but I don’t accept EBT cards.
Ethan Cavanaugh: Fuck you! I don’t have EBT card you prick. I have a certified bank check.
Scottywood: 50 bucks isn’t going to cut it man.
Ethan Cavanaugh: It’s for 1.2million… and 34.95, exact.
Scotty and Cancer’s jaws drop as Ethan hands the envelope to Scotty who quickly opens it up and takes a look at the check which is for the exact amount that Scotty owes Lee.
Scottywood: Where the fuck did you get 1.2 million bucks?
Ethan Cavanaugh: Oh you don’t want to know man….
Mr. Cool: You fuck Oprah or something?
Ethan lowers his eyes to the ground as he gives his response.
Ethan Cavanaugh: You know how hard it is to spell Oprah with your tongue?
Scottywood: Woah! TMI man, TMI!
Ethan Cavanaugh: She is actually the first thing that the shadow can’t even overtake. My shadow was shadowed by her and….
Scottywood: Just stop it man and come take America. I don’t know if we have enough alcohol left here to forget those metal images.
Walking over to the cage we see Scotty open the cage door and attach the leash to America’s collar as he gives one last hard yank on the leash as he pulls him out of the cage still in his shackles and now with a ball gag in his mouth.
Ethan Cavanaugh: You steal that ball gag from Kirsta’s locker room?
Scottywood: ….Ya, that’s where I got it.
Mr. Cool: I thought you said it was Kelly’s?
Scottywood: Zip it!
Scotty hands the leash off to Ethan as Ethan extends his hand to seal the deal and Scotty just smirks and crosses his arms.
Scottywood: I’m not shaking hands with the man that I am going to steamroll next week on my way to finally getting my long deserved shot at the HOW World title. So get the fuck out of my locker room, and thanks for the cash.
Ethan just smirks as he walks out of the locker room with his new slave as Scotty slams the door behind the two of them.
Scottywood: Oh my god…. The Alpha Black Male is now in charge of America… A white America….
Scotty just shakes his head as we cut from the locker room back to ringside for the main event match.
WORLD TITLE MATCH
LBI Winner vs. Mario Maurako©
HOFC TITLE MATCH
Christopher America vs. Mike Plow©
TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
AWS Man and Valora vs. Cool Reality vs. John Pariah and Brian Hollywood vs. HOW Tag Team Champions
Carmen Jennings vs. Kirsta Lewis
Marcus Reinhardt vs. Mark O’Neal
Max Kael vs. Chris Kostoff
We return from commercial break to Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell behind the announcers table. Benny looks intoxicated as per usual and Joe Hoffman who shuffles through his notes.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back from the final commercial break before our Main Event tonight where Max Kael will face off against Chris Kostoff in the last Elimination Round of the Invitational before next week’s final three way dance! And to make things more interesting tonight, at the start of the show we found out that tonight’s match is going to be a Lumberjack Match with some kind of special entrance for Maximillian Kael?
Benny Newell: And why the fuck not!? Max is the EMPEROR of HOW, the longest reigning ICON Champion of this Era! He is the Internet Champion and the first ever Double Singles Champion of HOW plus he has been undefeated since October! Undefeated Joe!
Joe Hoffman: Yes, I do understand that but the man he is facing next is also on something of an undefeated streak. Chris Kostoff has surprised many wrestling pundits who were not expecting him to make it this far and once again tonight he might prove them wrong!
Benny Newell: That’s about as likely as a fucking unicorn dropping out of my ass and flying us both to Mars for a picnic!
Joe Hoffman: Need I remind you I have been on the road with you and I have had to watch the door for you in the bathroom after stopping at a White Castle.
Benny Newell: Erroneous, we never traveled to Mars for a Picnic!
On stage the lights dim as Chris Kostoff makes his way out onto the stage to a standing ovation from the crowd. The leader in enforced insurance policies flexes for the crowd before marching his way down into the ring where he steps up and into the ring with ease. He can e seen to have a few bandages around his waist from the last series of weeks assaults on him by he appears none-the-less healthy.
The camera switches back up onto the stage as Max’s theme quietly creeps over the speakers. The EMPEROR of HOW slowly materializes out onto the stage where he examines his surroundings carefully not noticing anything out of place while the fans boo him with impunity. Suddenly the lights die out leaving Max Kael alone in a single pillar of light as he jumps back surprised. The crowds boos die down into curious murmurs while Max Kael clutches his ICON title tight against his chest on the stage.
Benny Newell: Fuck! Joe! It’s happened! I’ve gone blind from alcohol poisoning! Fuck me! Fuck shit balls! I regret my life of fucking drinking!
Newell begins to sob uncontrollably over the headset as Joe Hoffman can be heard scrambling papers around in his hand.
Joe Hoffman: Don’t worry Benny, the whole arena has gone black!
Benny Newell: DAMN THAT OBAMA!
Joe Hoffman: Damn it Benny I mean that the lights are out!
Benny Newell: Oh.. So I can probably still see?
Joe Hoffman: Yes, Benny, you are probably still fine. Well, fine in a relative term, you are still your terrible self.
Suddenly the lights come back up as three hundred roman armor clad midgets with flowing red capes and tall, feathered helmets can be seen standing along the sides of the entrance ramp and around the ring with large spears in their hands. Most of them appear to be wearing helmets that are easily a size to large and their “armor” appears to be taped onto them for the most part with their long red capes easily to long for their short bodies.
Max Kael’s shrill scream fills the arena as “Rich Girl” by Gwen Stefani filters over the P.A. system as the audience begins to laugh loudly. The little midgets begin to pounds their spears on the ground in the beat with the music as Max jumps back and quickly tries to retreat backstage, ducking back through the entrance. Max suddenly appears running back out through the entrance practically falling over himself as five more armored midgets march out behind him with their spears pointed toward him as they march in tune with the beat.
Joe Hoffman: I don’t believe it! We have our own.. pint sized Roman Legion here!
Benny Newell: Am I the only one here who suddenly wants to have an orgy?!
Max moves toward the ring and suddenly stops again as the sees all the midgets there. Stuck between spears and midgets Max crosses himself and tugs the title up against his face as he starts to march down to the ring refusing to look at his surroundings. About half way down to the ring the miniature roman soldiers begin to slap Max across the back with their spears causing the Emperor of HOW to scream out in pain before running down into the ring, sliding in as quickly as he can to avoid the little devils. As he does so the roman midgets descend upon the ring surrounding it.
Joe Hoffman: well it appears tonight, Benny, that our Gauntlet Match is in fact going to be headed by.. the Minature Roman Legion!
Benny Newell: No fair! This is Simon Sparrows meddling here! He just couldn’t let Max have an easy night against Kostoff, he had to make life difficult for the Emperor!
Joe Hoffman: I suspect Lee had a hand in this as well, as you know Lee and Max have not always seen eye to eye!
Benny Newell: Lies! This is all Simon Sparrow and his anti-Max Shit or Scat program!
Joel Hortega moves over and takes the title from Max as he scurries back up to his feet safely inside the ring. Signaling for the bell Kostoff immediately charges forward and sends a powerful forearm into the middle of Max Kael’s head causing the ICON Champion to fall to the mat with a thunderous crash! Kostoff uses the ropes for leverage as he pulls himself up and sends his boots down into Max’s chest stomping away as Max spasms under the assault!
Max rolls away to leave the room only to see the miniature legionnaires outside the ring causing him to immediately roll back into Kostoff who once again drops the boots across Max’s chest keeping the ICON Champion in a terrible position. Kostoff drags the ICON Champion up to his feet and issues a series of stiff chops to Max while he is backed into the corner. Kostoff turns and whips Max into the opposite corner with enough power to cause Max to hit the corner and then crash chest first into the mat! The crowd goes nuts as Kostoff drags Max to the center of the ring and rolls him over for a pinfall attempt.
Max throws his arm up at the last moment to break the pin fall as Kostoff simply mounts Max and begins to send a series of stiff punches into his forehead. Hortega warns Kostoff about punching with a closed fist only to receive a middle finger before Kostoff smashes his head into Max’s head with a powerful headbutt! Once again Kostoff rolls over for a pin fall attempt..
Benny Newell: FUCK MAX! YOUR SUPPOSE TO BE THE FAVORITE HERE!
Joe Hoffman: Max Kael finds himself in a particularly difficult position in this match where in he was originally suppose to be the favorite to win this match suddenly the scales tip into Kostoffs favor and I have to say the LSD Champion is doing well to prove why he is a Champion here in HOW!
Kostoff drags Max up to his feet before he winds up..
Chris Kostoff backhands Max across the face with enough force to send the ICON Champion out between the ropes and to the ground in a heap as the pint sized legionnaires circle around him. Max, still groggy, is unsure where he is as he uses the barricade to slowly get back up to his feet. Turning he suddenly pales with the realization of where he is. About ten midgets surround Max as he cowers away from them however the fans tighten together to disallow Max to escape through the fans.
All of the sudden the midgets attack all as a pack jumping all over Max who screams and flails wildly to free himself.
Max Kael: AH! AH! FUCK! MY ANKLES! THEY ARE BITING MY ANKLES!
Indeed two legionnaires have in fact latched onto Max’s ankles are started to bite at his weedwacker rounds he received from Jethrol earlier in the night. Eventually being mobbed Max Kael is dragged down into a sea of little people who bite, claw, kick and punch at the ICON Champion as the crowd laughs at the gang beat down. Even Chris Kostoff looks amused by the situation though he doesn’t really seem interested in scoring a count out victory as he breaks up the count from Hortega.
Suddenly however there is a roar from inside the Midget Mauler pack as two little warriors are hurled backwards as Max Kael pushes himself up onto his feet. A series of guttural swears and curses can be heard coming from him as Max can be seen shoving, kicking and punching the midgets off of him with extreme zealotry!
Kostoff quickly exits the ring to engage his opponent and his new found rage as Max, who has taken on a far more feral and vicious attitude toward the little legionnaires. Max turns toward one of the ring poles and charges forward kicking his leg forward as one of the midgets bitting his ankle is caught between his foot and the metal pole as the arena is filled with a mildly sickening cracking sound. As the little midget falls away from the Ministers leg Kostoff arrives on the scene grabbing Max by the shoulder and spinning him away.
Max turns and sends a right hook across Kostoff’s face sending him stumbling back before Max grabs a near by midget who begins to scream for his life. Laughing loudly Max spins once and then hurls the midget well into the fourth row as fans scatter in all directions. The little body slams into a few steel chairs before rolling to a rest. Kostoff, having recovered from his punch glares at Max..
Kostoff grabs one of the nearby midgets fleeing Max and hurls him up into the air causing him to land in the eighth row in much the same manner. Once again fans are sent running as a body slams into things! Max begins to laugh turning away from Kostoff as the once highly aggressive midgets have now decided to run away from Max. Then, without warning Max spins back toward Kostoff and launches himself forward tackling the LSD champion to the ground as he bites at Kostoff’s cheek!
Joe Hoffman: Max Kael’s gone mad! Completely insane!
Benny Newell: No he hasn’t! He just finally knows what he wants in life and what he wants in life is clearly to throw midgets and bite steroid abusers in the face! Clearly!
Joe Hoffman: You’re drunk and probably high! Max has gone off the deep end!
Benny Newell: What the Fuck are you talking about Joe!.. well actually I concede that I am probably both drunk and high and you are probably right.
Kostoff is eventually have to knock Max off him with a club to the side of the head sending the ICON champion sprawling to the side. As Kostoff slowly stands up its clear that Max has left a blood bite wound on the side of the LSD Champions face as crimson blood starts to trickle out of the wound. Kostoff roars as he grabs Max and throws him back into the ring before he touches his own face to see how bad the bleeding is.
As he rolls back into the ring Kostoff is blindsided by a singularly obsessed Max Kael who doesn’t so much punch at Kostoff as he slams his fists down across Kostoff’s head, back and shoulders like a gorilla beating a man to death. Blood can be seen on Max’s lips and his eyes are wild and unhinged as he continues his savage assault ending only when Hortega physically rips Max off Kostoff.
Kostoff uses the ropes to pull himself up only to turn around and have Max Kael once again launching himself haphazardly into him, forcing the bigger man into the corner as Max hits several stiff knee lifts into Kostoff’s gut!
Dragging the LSD Champion out of the corner Max kicks the big man in the gut..
Kostoff’s head bounces off the mat as Max jumps back up to his feet and stares down at Kostoff who does not appear to be moving. Kneeling down Max goes for a cover..
Kostoff throws his thick arm up as Hortega signals for a two count only and the fans cheer the LSD Champion!
Joe Hoffman: The dream for Kostoff is still alive!
Benny Newell: Hortega was offering Kostoff a favorable count! Max was just screwed! He should have just won right there! What a load of shit!
Max grabs Hortega by the collar snarling at him before he looks back down at Kostoff who appears to be climbing back up to his feet. Max doesn’t wait for him to get fully up as he positions himself to Kostoff’s side..
Once again the ICON Champion spins Kostoff around causing him to land on the back of his head! Max slowly gets back up to his feet, wiping some of Kostoff’s blood away from his mouth before he looks out over the fans who boo him. Max puts his hands on his hips as Kostoff stirs still, refusing to stay down. Reaching a hand up Kostoff latches onto Max’s pant’s belt and begins to pull himself up. Max grabs Kostoff by the hair and yanks his head back..
Kostoff spits blood up into Max’s face. Max snarls down at Kostoff and his unyielding will to go down..
Max slams his fist into Kostoff’s forehead causing the big man to finally fall down to the mat. Max drops down to his knees and hooks Kostoff’s leg.
WINNER: MAX KAEL IN 16 MINUTES 41 SECONDS!
Joe Hoffman: Max Kael defeated Kostoff after delivering three of his finishing maneuvers in a row! He is now the last man to progress into the three way dance next week against ETHAN CAVANAUGH and SCOTTYWOOD!
Benny Newell: Well FUCK YA! I Finally got one right! DRINK!
Benny throws back a shot of whiskey as Max Kael stands up sneering down at Kostoff. Hortega exits the ring and enters again with the ICON Championship. Max snatches the title out of Hortega’s hand and slips out of the ring, Kostoff’s blood dripping down his chin when suddenly Static slips out onto the stage as the fans boo both men.
As Static and Max meet on the ramp Max snarls once again at Static as both men stare at each other. Eventually Static steps to the side as Max brushes past him heading back stage. As Max leaves Static heads into the ring where Kostoff is slowly stirring, blood still coming out of his face. As Hortega rolls back into the ring with the LSD Championship, Static moves over to him and yanks the title out of his hands.
Joe Hoffman: What the heck now, the match is over and Static is taking advantage of a weakened Kostoff as once again a member of the Uprising is targeting Kostoff!
Benny Newell: Well Kostoff is a big boy he can take care of himself!
Static measures up Kostoff and rams the title into the side of his head with the LSD Championship sending the big man back down to the ring. Static drops the title over Kostoff’s prone body as he lifts his arms in the air while the crowd roars curses and begin to throw garbage into the ring as the show comes to an end.
FADE TO BLACK
Several minutes after the show has ended….
We are backstage in the HOW locker room where we see all the wrestlers crowded into the room and we see Lee Best standing in front of them.
Everyone is listening intently as Lee is pacing as he talks…
Lee Best: ……now not only does PWX still HAVE the Tag Team titles in their possession they still haven’t officially signed on to wrestle at March 2 Glory and those fucking cunts from WMW are doing the same….but next week I am going there and I need to know who I can trust as I am not walking over to WMW on my own
Lee pauses and looks at the wrestlers who are whispering to each other but they all quickly shut up as Lee is dead serious.
Lee Best: Look all of you fucksticks have issues with each other…but this shit is HOW versus the world and I do not give a fuck about your issues with each other when ANOTHER company has possession of OUR Tag Team fucking titles….
Lee is getting amped up….and the wrestlers can feel the tension in the room.
Lee Best: BUT with that said I know our boys will bring the belts home……now lets get to the news everyone has been waiting for….the first of TWO War Games Captains…..so without further ado let me announce the winner of the silent auction amongst yourselves that raised a lot of money for the company…the winner and the first official captain for War Games……the former World Champion….ACELDAMA!