Turmoil: April 29th, 2010 (2010)

Weekly Show | 120 Min
Rating:
5/10
5

Show Transcript

Thursday Night Turmoil
April 29th, 2010 – #HOW115
Kallisten Coliseum, Chicago, IL

 

“Feel Like I Do” by Drowning Pool cranks up inside the Kallisten Coliseum as the fans in attendance are going crazy as the camera pan around them, picking up many of the homemade signs drawn with Sharpie on a rainbow of colored poster boards.

I Found ChristPlow… He’s In The Ring!

Benny Newell Bought Me My Beer

We then cut to ringside where we join HOW’s Hall of Fame announce team and a large bottle of Jack Daniels.

Joe Hoffman: Welcome to another edition of Thursday Night Turmoil as tonight we start off our third year of the HOW restart! I am Joe Hoffman and beside me as always is the always inebriated Benny Newell.

Benny Newell: You should have come to the preshow party Joe. Lee had an open bar and some of the hottest women in Chicago.

Joe Hoffman: Well that’s great and all Benny but tonight we have an action packed card with 5 matches, some of them with big War Games implications. Tonight we will start things out with a brutal steel cage match between Static and Ryan Faze. This stemming from the huge altercation at a press conference earlier this week between Static, Faze, Ethan Cavanaugh and Marcus Reinhardt.

Benny Newell: Those four WERE scheduled to compete tonight for the last spot on Aceldama’s War Games team, but that match has been scrapped by Lee and now Static and Faze will battle it out in the steel cage with nothing on the line.

Joe Hoffman: Seems Lee best screwing over Static once again… I wonder how The Wrecking Ball will take that. But we will also see the debut of John Eric Peter Watson as he takes on Hall of Famer Mark O’Neal.

Benny Newell: Can he not decide on a fuckin name to call himself? I’m just going to call him JEW.

Joe Hoffman: ….I think you forgot Peter in that.

Benny Newell: So? JEW won’t miss one of his 56 fuckin names.

Joe Hoffman: Anyhow…. Were also going to see David Black take on Michael Norcia and Shane Reynolds versus Aceldama versus Justin Decent in a triple threat first blood match.

Benny Newell: Haha, three of the four members of team Aceldama facing off against each other, and two of them will leave three ring bloody as fuck! I love it!

Joe Hoffman: Also in our main event it is ChristPlow aka Michael Plow defending his ICON title against Crow, what an explosive match that should be as Crow cashes in the title shot he won at the Lethal Lottery.

Benny Newell: Well let’s get this show going. Got my extra sized bottle of Jack and I’m ready for some steel cage action.

Joe Hoffman: Well if you ever looked at the show outline sheet you would have known that….

 

Tag Team Title Opener

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, You Gotta Keep ‘em Separated

Joe Hoffman: That Scottywood and Carmen Jennings are opening the show.

Benny Newell: Scottywood? Fuck, there go the ratings… DrinK!

“Stricken” by Disturbed cuts in as the crowd starts to cheer as the HOW Tag Team champions Scottywood and Carmen Jennings make their way out onto the stage. Carmen has the belt around her waist as Scotty has his propped up on his shoulder as they make their way down to the ring which has a table set up, a contract sitting on it and a couple of chairs.

Joe Hoffman: I might not agree with how Scottywood won the title back from WMW, but I am very glad they are back in HOW.

Benny Newell: Won? Scottywood held a sham match on whatever crap ass weekly show WMW has and declared that the Tag Team titles changed hands via a countout… after Valora and AWS man already vacated them.

The Tag Team champions make their way up the stairs and into the ring as the crowd continues to cheer the duo. Carmen and Scotty raise the titles above their head as Scottywood picks the microphone up from the table as the music dies down.

Scottywood: Things really couldn’t get much better, could they? I have reclaimed MY Tag Team title belts, I am the sixth man for War Games… I mean this could only be better if lightning struck Aceldama and Static down outside the Coliseum. Then we wouldn’t have to listen to the two bitch and moan anymore, Ace about getting into the Hall of Fame and Static about getting an LSD title shot.

Carmen Jennings: Because if ANYONE deserves the next shot at Justin Decent and that LSD title it is me Static! And I will prove that at War Games when I wreck the wrecking ball of HOW.

Scottywood: Soon this tag team will have all that is important here in HOW, the Tag Team titles, the LSD title and the HOW World title. So Lee, how about you bring that big reflective head of yours out here and get this contract signed.

After a few moments we hear “Undead” by Hollywood Undead start to play as Lee Best followed by Mark O’Neal, Simon Sparrow and his newly reveal MPlow make their way out onto the stage and down towards the ring to a rather negative reaction from the Chicago fans.

Scottywood: Oh and you brought most of the team out to welcome me to Team Best. I should feel so honored… should.

Lee and the others make their way into the ring as Scotty has taken a seat and kicked his feet up on the table. Lee takes his seat on the opposite side of the table and picks up the microphone.

Scottywood: No streamers and balloons for this party? You’re getting cheap on me Lee.

Lee Best: Let’s just sign this fuckin contract so I can get onto more important things, like putting my dick in a grinder.

Scottywood: No kind words about how without me giving you the man up advantage that you would have no chance at winning War Games?

Lee Best: I hear Christopher America really wants a spot in War Games. How about I refund your money and give that spot to him?

A bit of a snarl comes over Scotty’s face as he quickly grabs the clipboard and signs his name on it as he tosses the clipboard over to Lee. Looking at the clipboard for a second he picks it up and removes the pen from the clip as Lee signs his name on the contract and tosses the clipboard down.

Lee Best: Now that we have that taken care of, let me address those Tag Team titles that you and Carmen currently hold.

Scottywood: I know Lee, you’re extremely grateful of me for returning these prestigest belts back to HOW.

Lee Best: No you fuckstick. I‘m going to tell you that since Valora and AWS Man vacated those titles prior to your match with them, you couldn’t have beaten them for the Tag Team titles. Therefore for the past two weeks you and Carmen have been nothing more than baby sitters for the VACANT Tag Team titles.

Boos start to fill the coliseum as Scottywood stands up from his chair, rage starting to fill his face.

Scottywood: These titles are fuckin’ mine and Carmen’s!! You want them? Pry them from our cold dead hands!

Lee Best: That would be more than my pleasure.

Scottywood: It’s only 3 on 2 Lee… unless you wanna get your hands dirty.

Lee Best: Three on two? Might wanna ask Carmen and be sure about that…

Scotty turns around right into Carmen who connects with a running elbow to his face which she calls PMS. With Scotty dazed she leaps over the table while grabbing Scotty’s head in mid air and hits a modified C-Spike inverted neckbreaker, putting Scotty through the table that is in the ring.

Joe Hoffman: What the hell?!?! Carmen Jennings just took out her tag team partner Scottywood!

Benny Newell: I knew I loved her!

We see Lee now walk over to Scotty as he bends over and picks up Scotty’s Tag Team championship belt from the wreckage of the table.

Lee Best: Guess I’ll be taking this now… too bad it wasn’t truly from your cold dead hands. But this will do just as fine.

“Undead” by Hollywood Undead starts to play as Lee raises Carmen Jennings’s hand up in the air as the group Lee, Carmen, O’Neal, Sparrow and MPlow exit the ring and head backstage as HOW staff attend to Scottywood who is just starting to move after being put through the table.

Joe Hoffman: Well seems like Carmen has official picked a side and it’s with Lee Best… But can’t say that was the smartest way to treat the man that will be giving you the man advantage come War Games.

Benny Newell: With or without Scottywood Team Best is going to win… Unless Aceldama cries a river and drowns Lee’s whole team come War Games.

Joe Hoffman: Well when we come back the steel cage will lower and we will see Static vs. Ryan Faze.

Benny Newell: So grab a beer, get some Jack and coke or if you’re a little bitch like Aceldama…. Or a hot chick, grab a Smirnoff Ice.

 

 

Returning from commercial break we see Scottywood backstage, ice pack on his head after being put through a table just moments ago. Walking up to him is HOW backstage reporter Missy Andrews.

Missy Andrews: Scottywood, we just saw Carmen Jennings turn her back on your and all but officially side with Lee Best… What are your thought on this.

Scottywood: Who the fuck are you?

Missy Andrews: You suffering from amnesia Scotty?

Scottywood: No, I’m not a fragile little bitch like Bobbinette Carey, I just have no fuckin’ clue who you are.

Missy Andrews: ….I’m Missy Andrews, the backstage reporter.

Scottywood: OH! Sorry, I didn’t recognize you without someone’s cock in your mouth.

Missy Andrews: Hey! It’s not always cock in my mouth, sometimes it’s vagi… nevermind.

Scottywood: Ok then…. Well anyways, as for your question. My thoughts on all of this are that it makes this decision very easy. You see Lee, that contract you and I just signed; it says I will be the sixth man for War Games. What it doesn’t say, is for what team!

Scotty pauses as we can hear the roar of the crowd from inside the coliseum.

Scottywood: You see before tonight I wanted nothing more but to eliminate Aceldama during War Games and take his World title, so I was willing to deal with having to fight on your team… But now Lee… Now I want nothing more than to make sure that your team doesn’t win War Games! That’s right Lee, I’m going to fight on Team Aceldama!

Scotty pushes by Missy Andrews and makes his way off somewhere backstage, leaving Missy Andrew somewhat shocked.

Missy Andrews: Lee’s gonna defiantly need a blow job after he hears this.

Missy hurries off in the opposite direction of Scotty as we cut back to Joe and Benny at ringside.

 

Static vs Ryan Faze
Steel Cage Match

Benny Newell: He can’t do that?!?! He can’t just switch fuckin’ teams like that!

Joe Hoffman: Well I believe he just did. Yes, Scottywood will now be the sixth man for Team Aceldama at War Games.

Benny Newell: And where is my blow job Missy?!

Joe Hoffman: The same place her virginity is.

Benny Newell: Maybe I can get one from that girl in the blue shirt in the front row.

Joe Hoffman: She looks like 15!!

Benny Newell: Always cock blocking me Joe!

Joe Hoffman: Anyhow… we are now ready for our opening match of the night as the steel cage has been lowered and soon Static and Ryan Faze will be locked in it.

“My World” by Emigrate kicks in and we see Static walks out on stage, the crowd instantly boo him as he makes his way to the center carrying his trusty baseball bat ‘Shirley’. Static raises his arms up and taunts the crowd, an evil smirk on his face. He cockily makes his way toward the cage, climbing up the stairs and into the cage the crowd continues to boo. Static stands in the center of the ring, holding the baseball bat tightly as he taunts the crowd with his free hand as his music drowns out.

Joe Hoffman: Static has picked up two easy wins over the past two weeks, but were about to see if he can step it up against someone a bit tougher here in Ryan Faze.

“Phase” by Breaking Benjamin starts to play as there is a slight cheer from the crowd as Ryan Faze emerges from backstage and makes his way down towards the cage.

Benny Newell: Faze better be careful, because there is No Dq in this match and I don’t think Static is going to be leaving Shirley outside the cage.

Ryan slides in through the cage door as referee Joel Hortega calls for the bell as Matt Boettcher locks the cage door up with a chain and padlock as it seems escape from the cage will only be allowed over the top. Static charges at Faze and swings away with Shirley but The Phenomenal One ducks the home run swing and counters with a boot to the gut as Static turns around and a fury of punches as Shirley falls to the ground. Dropkicking Static into the cage wall Faze turns Static around and starts grating his head against the wall of the cage, slicing Static skin and busting The Wrecking Ball open.

Joe Hoffman: And just moments into this match we have blood, it is as if someone very twisted is writing this match and just wants to see blood.

Benny Newell: But that would be weird Joe if someone were actually writing this shit. I mean who could ever come up with what happens here? And I’m the one drinking… fuck.

Faze lets go of Static who stumbles back off the wall and into a neckbreaker from Faze as he goes for the first pinfall attempt of the night.

Uno……

Dos……

NO! Dos!

Static has managed to kick out as Faze gets up from the ground and makes his way to the corner as he starts to climb the cage wall. He starts scaling the mesh, but before he gets to the top we see Static back up to his feet and with Shirley in hand again and cracks Faze across the back twice causing him to fall off the wall and down to the mat. He drives the bat into Faze’s stomach a few times and then connects with the Static Elbow to the disliking of the crowd and goes for the cover.

Uno…..

Dos……

Tres……

NO! NO! Dos!

Benny Newell: That was three! Damn Mexican second must be longer than American seconds. Dirtier and smellier too!

Joe Hoffman: Really? As if HOW didn’t offend enough people last night on the HOR.

Benny Newell: Fine, I’ll go make a donation after the show by ordering Taco Bell.

Clearly agreeing with Benny and thinking he had gotten the pin Static pops up to his feet and starts screaming at Hortega as the two starts going at it back and forth with Static saying it was Three, and Hortega adamantly saying it was just Dos. Static tell him to get a taco before he turns his attention back to Faze which is just in time to see Faze’s boot strike him right in the side of the head.

Joe Hoffman: That’s what you get for arguing with the referee.

Static staggers back up to his feet and Faze drives in another boot and hits the Fazebuster as there is a roar and we see Faze start to slowly climb up the side of the cage, defiantly favoring his ribs. Faze is close to the top as Static starts to get up from the mat and once again grabs Shirley. But Faze is out of reach of the bat as Static starts to give chase by climbing the cage wall himself. Climbing quicker then Faze Static catches The Phenomenal One at the top and drives Shirley into Faze’s head.

Joe Hoffman: Static really using Shirley to his advantage tonight in this brutal match. Looks like Faze is now cut above the eye.

Benny Newell: And this isn’t going to help either man.

Both are now straddling the top of the cage and trading blows with each other as Static drops Shirley back into the cage. Both men come close to falling off the top of the cage as they continue to trade punches and more blood starts to flow from their faces. Static though gets in a hard shot which dazes Faze as Static starts to stand up on the top beam of the cage wall.

Joe Hoffman: What balance by Static as he is standing up on the cage wall.

Benny Newell: And he is now pulling Ryan Faze up to his feet. It’s like a damn tight rope act! DRINK!

Both men are now standing over 15 feet above the floor as Static tries to throw Faze off the top and back into the ring but Faze counters with a boot to the stomach which alone almost knocks Static off the wall but then Faze hits the Fazeplant which after Static’s head slams off the steel he falls off the wall and back into the ring.

Joe Hoffman: Fazeplant on the top of the steel cage!! Static then falls 15 feet back into the ring!

Benny Newell: That deserves a double; I don’t think I have ever seen someone hit a finisher on the top of the cage.

Joe Hoffman: Amazing balance by Faze to hit that move and not fall off himself.

The crowd is going wild as Faze stands tall on the wall of the cage and looks down at Static, laid out on his back and showing no signs of movement. For a second Faze seems to debate leaping off the wall and hitting Static with one last move, but he thinks better and starts to climb down the outside of the wall as both feet touch down outside and Matt Boettcher calls for the bell.

Joe Hoffman: And smartly Ryan Faze ends this match.

Bryan McVay: The winner of this match in 7 minutes and 19 seconds…. “Phenomenal “ Ryan Faze!!!

Joe Hoffman: Well what an amazing way to start off Turmoil tonight and it is only going to get better as up next we have the debate of…

Benny Newell: JEW!

Joe Hoffman: Or John Eric Peter Watson as he is actually called. But right now let’s head backstage.

BOTF with LEE AND FAZE

IN RING SEGMENT WITH SIMON SPARROW

 

 

John Eric Peter Watson vs. Mark O’Neal
Singles Match

Joe Hoffman: Welcome back to Turmoil as we just witnessed ChristPlow become the newest member of S.C.A.T.

Benny Newell: And now it’s JEW time!

“2 x4” by Metallica is playing as we see John Eric Peter Watson standing in the ring, preparing for his debut HOW match.

Joe Hoffman: From what I have on my sheet here Watson stands at 6’4” and weighs in at 245 pounds and hails from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.

Benny Newell: And none of that matters since he is facing Hall of Famer and member of Team Best, Mark O’Neal.

The arena goes pitch black.  White bold words begin to flash on the screen. POWER. INTENSITY. DESTRUCTION.  They flash faster and faster until they are no longer readable until a bomb shows up on the screen with a timer. 3….2….1.  Three explosions occur as “Give it Away” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers plays over the sound system.  Mark O’Neal emerges as blue pyros shoot up as walks towards the ring.  He stops to flex and jaw with the fans booing him.

Joe Hoffman: Guess wanted to give one of his War Games guys an easy warm up here while he makes Ace, Shane and Decent fight each other in a triple threat first blood match later tonight. Real fair.

Benny Newell: Boo hoo, go grab a box of tissues from Aceldama’s locker room and shut up.

Boettcher calls for the bell to start the match as O’Neal and Watson lock up and then move into trading punches before O’Neal takes advantage and lays Watson out with a clothesline followed by a sidewalk slam and a DDT before going for a quick cover.

One…..

Two…..

Watson kicks out as O’Neal seems a bit annoyed and hits a Russian leg sweep followed by a sharpshooter as Watson battles through it and manages to make his way to the ropes as Boettcher forces O’Neal to break the hold which he does only at a four count.

Joe Hoffman: O’Neal showing some frustration that he can’t put the rookie away quickly.

Benny Newell: Don’t worry; it’s only a matter of time. The JEW will fall!

Joe Hoffman: How we stay on the air I will never know.

O’Neal pulls Watson to his feet and whips Watson into the ropes and goes for a clothesline but Watson ducks it and hits the other ropes and comes back with a running superkick that almost take’s O’Neal’s head off.

Joe Hoffman: Lesson in Life! Watson just connects with his finisher on O’Neal! We could have an upset right here!

One……

Two……

Three…..

NO! NO! Foot on the rope!

O’Neal’s foot was defiantly on the rope as Boettcher correctly washes off the three count.

Benny Newell: Great ring awareness by the Hall of Famer.

Joe Hoffman: But THAT close to losing to the rookie Watson.

Watson now in control pulls O’Neal up to his feet and goes for his finisher once again as he whips O’Neal into the ropes and extends that leg out for the superkick but O’Neal now is the one that ducks the move and stops quick and as Watson turns around O’Neal drives the boot into the stomach of Watson and goes for the jackknife powerbomb.

Benny Newell: Explosive Drop! Goodnight JE….

Joe Hoffman: He reversed it!!

Pushing off O’Neal’s shoulders Watson hops over O’Neal and lands on his feet as he locks in the cobra clutch submission hold.

Joe Hoffman: he calls this Deadweight Donkey and that is exactly what O’Neal is going to be as he is quickly fading.

Benny Newell: Illegal hold! Illegal hold!

But there is nothing illegal about it as O’Neal drops to his knees as Watson now really synchs it in as we can see the eyes of O’Neal roll into the back of his head and Boettcher waves his arms and calls for the bell.

Benny Newell: He’s not out! He can continue!

Bryan McVay: The winner of this match by submission in 6 minutes and 34 seconds… John Eric Peter Watson!!

Watson released the hold as the body of O’Neal falls to the mat, obviously in no condition to continue wrestling as Boettcher raises his arm to a rather positive reaction from the Chicago fans.

Joe Hoffman: And what an upset in his very first match, knocking off Hall of Famer Mark O’Neal.

Benny Newell: Who ever thought a JEW could fight.

Joe Hoffman: Benny!

Benny Newell: What? Whoever though a John Eric Watson could fight?… Just doesn’t sound like someone who could.

Joe Hoffman: Sure…. Let’s head backstage where David Black is standing by.

SEGMENT 4 TAKEN BY DAVID BLACK

 

 

David Black vs. Michael Norcia
Singles Match

Joe Hoffman: Well I guess it is time for some cleansing as David Black takes on Michael Norcia who is already in the ring.

“Planet Hell” By Nightwish hits and a chorus of boos fill the arena as David Black walks out followed by Father Michael.

Benny Newell: Maybe he will save you Joe, from being the boring uptight douche you usually are.

Joe Hoffman: Hey! I’m “hip”, I can “dig” it.

Benny Newell: ….. Drink!

Black slides into the ring and Hortega calls for the bell as Norcia charges at David who ducks away and out of nowhere hits the codebreaker on Norcia.

Joe Hoffman: The Blackout!

Benny Newell: Ha! And thanks for coming Michael Norcia.

But Black isn’t finished as Father Michael yells at Black to pick him back up which Black does and lifts Norcia up for a crucifix powerbombs which he connects with in the middle of the ring.

Joe Hoffman: And now the Final Judgment as Black goes for the academic cover.

Uno…..

Dos……

Tres……

Hortega calls for the bell as he raises Black’s arm up in the air.

Bryan McVay: The winner of this match in 39 seconds…. David Black!!!

Joe Hoffman: All business by Black as he takes care of Norcia with ease.

Benny Newell: And even that is an understatement. Black fuckin’ owned him like a cheap hooker from downtown.

Joe Hoffman: Right… Anyhow I hear we got Carmen Jennings backstage. Wonder if she has any explanation for her actions earlier tonight when she put Scottywood through a table.

 

Decent Friends…

We cut backstage to find Justin Decent standing with the LSD title belt wrapped around his waist with his best friend and manager Santoro standing beside him. Brian Bare has caught up with the two to get in a few words before Justin Decent’s match. He stands with a confused look on his face as Justin gazes lovingly down at his belt, paying Bare no mind at all. Santoro nudges Justin, prompting him to look up at an inquisitive Brian Bare.

Brian Bare: So Justin, how are you feeling about your match toni…

Justin Decent: …Oh wait, wait Brian. I have a special request and it involves my affinity for the art of poetry. Earlier in the week while I was sitting in the presence of my best friend here…

Justin gestures towards the belt around his waist, which annoys Santoro who remains leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

Justin Decent: …our lovely evening together was tarnished and ruined by the disease ridden whore that is Carmen Jennings. Not that this surprises anyone here, but she is totally obsessed with me. So much so that while I was sitting with my laptop, minding my own business, she begged me to sing a song for her.

Brian Bare: You’re going to sing?

A worried look suddenly washes over Brian’s face as Justin stands there continuing to caress the golden plate of the LSD title.

Justin Decent: Sorry to disappoint you.. but no. I don’t sing for just anyone. But I shall instead be honoring her request with… A POEM!

As Justin begins rummaging around in his pockets Bare sighs and slaps his forehead with the palm of his hand and drags it down his face, obviously not as excited about this poem as Justin Decent is. Justin suddenly pulls out a piece of crumpled paper. He straightens it out and begins to clear his throat.

Justin Decent: “I once met a bitch named Carmen, She looked like a guy called Marvin..”

As Justin begins to read the first verse of his poem, Carmen Jennings can be seen running towards the three men, obviously not satisfied with the chaos she has already caused after violently turning on Scottywood. Holding her barbed wire whip in hand she charges at the gang. Justin doesn’t even notice her as he carries on reading his poem, his head down concentrating on the small piece of paper. As Carmen gets closer she throws the whip back over her head and cracks it straight in front of her, but surprisingly the whip doesn’t hit Decent himself. The whip instead strikes an equally oblivious Santoro, who is now on the floor clutching his left thigh.

Justin Decent: “She straight up made me sick, when she tried to touch my dick. I told her to go away, but instead she decided to stay. I screamed for her to leave me alone, yet she still tried inviting me back to her home..”

As Justin continues reading we see Carmen grab each end of her whip and wrap it around the already screaming Santoro. Blood starts trickling down Santoro’s neck and onto his shirt as he somehow manages to get one arm free from Carmen’s grip. He begins to grab at Justin’s legs desperately trying to get his attention. Justin still carries on with his poem completely oblivious to all transpiring around him.

Brian Bare: Uhh….Justin?

Justin Decent: Shhh! Don’t interrupt me! As I was saying, “Her hideous looks made me want to cry, yet for some unknown reason this beast wasn’t shy. Every time I saw her face, I considered investing in a can of mace.”

Carmen stands up as Santoro drops to the floor clutching his throat tightly and coughing painfully. Carmen steps over Santoro and places herself right behind Justin Decent.

Carmen Jennings: Don’t you think for one second that I’ve forgotten about you Decent. I’ve already fucked over that pathetic kiss ass Scottywood, and your going to be next. The only reason i haven’t destroyed you is because i’m not stupid enough to do it without that precious title of yours on the line. I WILL have my fucking rematch with you. I have a LONG to do list and your right at the top. By the way…No you sick perverts, anything less than 4 inches doesn’t interest me.

She waits for a reply from Decent who is still reading away to himself with a small grin on his face. Carmen stands tapping her foot for a while then storms off giving Santoro one last whip as she steps over him again, obviously giving up trying to get Justin’s attention.

Justin Decent: “So it’s become crystal clear in my conclusion, that Carmen Jennings has some strange delusion. No matter how hard the bitch seems to try, in the end I’ll always manage to make her cry.”

Justin looks up happily and puts the paper back in his pocket.

Justin Decent: Boy that sure was awesome, huh Santoro? Santoro? S-S-SANTORO?!?!?!?!

Justin falls onto his knees and turns his crumpled over friend, finding a line of small cuts all over his throat and his t-shirt covered in blood.

Justin Decent: Who could’ve committed such a foul atrocity?!?! WHO?!! Why do bad things always happen to bad people?! Why?!?!? My god has forsaken me!!!!!!!!!!

Brian Bare: Are you blind? Carmen Jennings just brutalized him with a barbed wire whip right next to you while you were reading.

Justin’s face turns a bright red as he starts in on one of his token tyrannical rants.

Justin Decent: She did WHAT?!?!

Brian Bare: Didn’t you hear her telling you that she will be having her rematch with you, that you were at the top of her to do list?

Justin Decent: To do list? No fucking way! I was concentrating on my heartfelt poem and I heard nothing of the sort! What the hell is she a ninja?! It’s nearly impossible for a mere mortal to elude my superhuman senses!!

We see Justin Decent with Santoro’s head laid onto his lap as he cradles him gently. Medics begin to surround the two as Santoro is subsequently lifted onto a stretcher. Justin stands up and pulls the camera towards him, so close we can see his eyes are filled with his tears and his face consumed with anguish.

Justin Decent: Nobody attacks my best friend and gets away with it! NOBODY I SAY!! The only person authorized to abuse that poor, short statured Mexican is ME!! ME AND ME ALONE!!!! You’ll pay for this Carmen!! You’ll pay for this by god!! You’re OFF my Christmas card list and you’re NOT taking part in the May potluck I’ve tried organizing!!! And most importantly of all, I’m never writing you another poem again… EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Justin falls to the ground helplessly and weeps on the floor, his head buried in his arms. Brian Bare attempts to offer some small measure of consolation, but Justin swats him away as we head to a commercial break.

 

CAVANAUGH SEGMENT

 

 

SEGMENT 6 TAKEN BY CROW

 

Shane Reynolds vs. Aceldama vs. Justin Decent
First Blood Elimination Match

Joe Hoffman: We’re back and up next here we have a match which feature three men who will be team mates in just a few short weeks at War Games. Two of them, Shane Reynolds and Justin Decent are standing in the ring now.

Benny Newell: Ya, where is Ace? Backstage crying like a little bitch?

The HOV screen begins a countdown, every interval in the seconds from ten to zero the ((–A–)) symbol flashes, the countdown run down from ten to zero in German, then stops and Rammstein ‘Sonne’ kicks in with the accompying of a large explosion of pyros as Aceldama makes his way to the ramp from backstage, holding the world title in his right hand. The arena goes dark as one single spotlight shines upon him. He gets on his knees, putting his title in front of him and points up to the sky, then points in both directions as two fireballs engulf both sides of the ramp. Then he stands up and walks down to the ring with the spotlight still remaining upon him as he gets into the ring.

The main chorus to the song begins to play as he climbs to the top turnbuckle and points over to the HOV screen as a sun can be seen rising from it, then he looks around the arena, turns around and jumps off the turnbuckle, when he lands, fireworks from each turnbuckle engulf the arena in orange as the lights turn back on.

And from behind Shane and Decent double team Aceldama with an attack that sends him over the top rope and to the outside. Then without even hesitation both men turn to each other and start trading punches before Decent lands a Flying clothesline followed by a drop kick. Ace comes back into the ring with a steel chair which he lays out Decent with and proceeds to drive into the knee of Reynolds.

Joe Hoffman: Early domination by the captain as he deforms that steel chair.

Picking Decent up Ace whips him into the ropes and goes for a big boot but Decent counters with a flying clothesline that takes both men over the top rope and to the outside. There they battle until Ace slams Decent into the steel steps. With them dislocated Ace picks up part of them and as Decent climbs back to his feet Aceldama lays him out with the steps.

Benny Newell: Blood! Decent is bleeding!

Boettcher checks on Decent and he is indeed cut above the eye as he calls for the bell which indicates the first elimination.

Bryan McVay: Justin Decent has been eliminated!

Ace drops the steps as from behind Shane Reynolds comes with the ring bell and nails Ace in the back with it, collapsing him to the floor. Shane then follows it up with a diving fist drop to the head of Ace and then starts rapid fire punches, trying to cut Ace open but before he can Ace blocks one of the punches and counters with his own as the two men trade blows.

Joe Hoffman: These two big men are unleashing some nasty punches, something has to give!

Finally Shane buckles from one of the punches as he staggers backwards and Ace connects with the Fall of the Berlin Wall

Joe Hoffman: Nasty clothesline by Aceldama, but there are no pinfalls in this match, he has to bust Shane open.

Benny Newell: He should have just brought some razors out and emo boy would have done it himself.

Aceldama throws the ring apron up and pulls himself out a kendo stick as Shane starts to pull himself up to his feet with the help of the crowd barricade. Ace stalks him and cracks the stick across Shane’s back as Shane whinces in pain and arches his back. Ace then cracks Shane not once but twice in the head with the kendo stick.

Joe Hoffman: Sickening shots by Ace… but Shane is still standing.

Benny Newell: Ace has just made him mad.

Joe Hoffman: Is Shane bleeding though?

Before Boettcher can get a chance to check Shane’s head we see him drill Ace in the gut with a boot and quickly hits his 360 degree twisting Unprettier on Ace with his head hitting right off the ringbell which ironicly the referee calls to be rung, ending the match.

Joe Hoffman: Ace is busted open!

Benny Newell: German blood is spilled!

We see Boettcher talking with Bryan McVay who makes the announcement regarding the outcome of the match.

Bryan McVay: The referee has stated that Shane Reynolds was not bleeding, therefore the winner of this match in 9 minutes and 57 seconds…. Shane Reynolds!!

Joe Hoffman: I had thought that Shane Reynolds might have been cut up near his hairline, and Boettcher tried to check but couldn’t before Shane hit The Original Sin.

Benny Newell: How much would that have sucked for Shane if he was bleeding.

Joe Hoffman: Well a big win for Shane over his War Games captain. I wonder if that will put any stress on the team.

Benny Newell: Who cares, DRINK!

Joe Hoffman: With that were gonna head to a commercial folks.

 

 

SEGMENT 7 TAKEN BY ACELDAMA

SEGMENT 8 TAKEN BY CHRISTPLOW

 

 

Joe Hoffman: Here it is folks, the main event. There’s been a lot of heat, a lot of controversy, and a lot of angry words this week concerning the ICON title match, to the point that Crow even made it a ladder match here tonight!

Benny Newell: Yeah, like you wanna make ChristPlow get any closer to Heaven than he already is…

The lights in the Kallisten Coliseum begin to dim, as a spotlight shines on the entrance way. A low fog begins to roll from the entranceway, and suddently a powerful choir can be heard blasting over the speakers.

Choir: HAAAALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEEEEEELUUUUUJAH!

Joe Hoffman: Well, we all know that sound, folks. Looks like the Icon Champion has chosen to come out FIRST tonight. Strange.

Benny Newell: Fuck best for last, Joe, ChristPlow Best gets to come out whenever the fuck he pleases!

There is an explosion of pyro in the shape of a giant crucifix, as “Jesus Freak” by DC Talk begins to pump through the sound system. The fans in the arena begin to boo like madmen, only to be surprised when instead of the ICON champion coming through the curtain, it’s none other than the challenger for the evening, CROW!

Joe Hoffman: Well that’s unexpected. What the hell is Crow doing?

Benny Newell: Stealing ChristPlow’s entrance. Does this surprise you?

Crow steps out onto the ramp, looking around confused as he hears his rival’s theme music, but suddenly all becomes clear as he looks to the wings, only to see Lee Best smirking sinisterly back at him. He points for Crow to head to the ring, which he begrudgingly eventually does. Some of the fans in the arena start to laugh, while other’s cheer for the recently re-debuted superstar. Crow slides into the ring, taking his corner as referee Joel Hortega checks him for illegal objects and copyrighted material.

The lights come back up for a moment, only to dim again as another spotlight shines on the entrance way. The fog continues to roll, as the choir begins again.

Choir: HAAAALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEEEEEELUUUUUJAH!

There is an explosion of pyro in the shape of a giant crucifix, as “Jesus Freak” by DC Talk begins to pump through the sound system. This time, the fans are plenty riled and ready as ChristPlow himself, the ICON Champion, steps through the curtain. He flexes a Jesus-ly bicep, pointing at the ICON title over his shoulder as he takes a few steps out onto the ramp. There is a microphone in his hand, and this time, no apostles.

ChristPlow: Nice entrance, Crow. I’m sure you can find some Internet history to show you had it first, right?

There is a small but solid bit of laughter from the crowd.

ChristPlow: I won’t take up much of your time, I’d rather spend the main event beating the ever living– well, Christ out of you. I just wanted to introduce you to a man you know very well– he’s the special enforcer for tonight’s main event, flown in specially by my father for the occasion. He’s the host of Fear Factor, a solid presence in the world of MMA in the UFC, and the man Crow steals the majority of his material from– JOE ROOOOGAN!

ChristPlow tosses the microphone to the side, as Joe Rogan steps out onto the ramp, slapping a high five to the ICON Champion. The fans in the arena go nuts for the stand-up comedian and all-around legitimate badass, as the duo make their way down to the ring. MPlow holds the ropes for Rogan, ushering him into the ring alongside him.

Joel Hortega begins explaining the rules of the ladder match, but before he can continue, it’s obvious that Rogan and Crow are having some kind of altercation in the ring. Insults begin getting slung back and forth, and if you can believe it, Joe Rogan slaps Crow across the face as hard as he can. Crow inches backward, recoiling from the blow, as ChristPlow talks some sense into his associate. After a moment of calming him down, Rogan gets out of the ring and heads back toward the timekeeper’s table, wearing a smug grin.

Joe Hoffman: Did.. did Joe Rogan just slap an HOW wrestler?

Benny Newell: Does Pope Wheelie I shit in the woods?

DING DING DING

Hortega calls for the bell, and takes the ICON title from ChristPlow. He gives it a little kiss, giving the belt a wink as he hands it to the referee. Hortega straps it onto the chain, as they raise the belt into the air in preparation of the ladder match. Crow snarls, still angry about being slapped in the mouth, and charges toward the champion, who ducks his clothesline attempt.

Joe Hoffman: Crow is going to need to get it together if he wants to have a legitimate shot at winning this title tonight. Plow is easily already in his head.

Benny Newell: Hey, if he wants the title that bad, he should just take it and say it was his the whole time.

ChristPlow laughs, beckoning for Crow to take another shot. The two men go nose to nose in the center of the ring, with Plow leaning in quickly and pecking Crow on the cheek condescendingly. Enraged, the challenger rears back, slapping ChristPlow across the face just about as hard as he can. Plow recoils, turning back to Crow and laughing cockily. He begs Crow to do it again.

Joe Hoffman: MPlow really getting to Crow here tonight, he seems to be playing with him.

Benny Newell: He’s The Jesus, Joe. He’s infalpa… infalia… he’s perfect!

Crow is happy to oblige, slapping Plow in the face once again. This time, ChristPlow’s smirk fades, and he shoves Crow hard onto his ass in the center of the ring. Crow immediately hops back to his feet, only to be booted in the stomach and hit with a saviorly DDT, square down onto the top of his head. Sitting up, Plow moves to the ropes, exiting the ring and heading for the ladder.

He picks the ladder up from it’s location at ringside, sliding it into the ring and rolling back in without wasting time.

Joe Hoffman: Looks like Mr. Best’s Baby Boy wants to seal this one up early.

Crow gets to his feet, using the ropes to assist in getting his bearings. As ChristPlow begins to set the ladder up in the center of the ring, Crow charges forward, attempting to get the advantage. It doesn’t work, and the champion sees the attack coming from a mile away. He catches Crow mid-charge, booting him in the stomach.

Benny Newell: HEEEERE IT COOOOOMES!

Plow crosses himself, looking up to the Heaven’s with a thumbs up, before tucking Crow’s head between his thighs and executing The Christ Effect! Crow is on dream street, knocked practically out cold as Plow climbs the ladder. With little effort, he grabs ahold of the ICON Title, and Hortega calls for the bell.

Bryan McVay: Here’s your winner and STILL Icon Champion, in 4 minutes and 44 seconds…… CHRISTPLOW!

Joe Hoffman: Well that was barely a main event, folks. We apologize. Crow just didn’t come to play today.

Benny Newell: He came to play, he just didn’t come to win. GOODNIGHT CROW, YOU ROGAN-STEALING MOTHERFUCKER!

 

BONUS SEG…

 

Show Details

Kallisten Coliseum

Chicago, Illinois

Show times

  • 9:00PM
x