Thursday Night Turmoil
April 22nd, 2010 – #HOW113
Kallisten Coliseum, Chicago, IL
An ICONIC Coronation
The HOTv logo flashes briefly across the HOV, followed by the logo for High Octane Wrestling itself as the lights come on in the Kallisten Coliseum. Explosions of pyrotechnics and fireworks emanate from the entrance way and stage, signaling the beginning of another edition of Thursday Night Turmoil. The camera begins to slow pan around ringside, displaying the packed crowd and various hand crafted signs the fans have brought into the arena. In the ring and around ringside, hundreds of tiny candles have been lit in succession, making the ring look more like a day spa than a wrestling venue. There is a giant throne perched dead center in the ring, and next to it a small table with a cloth covering something bulging underneath. The camera pans over the ring area briefly, before cutting to the commentary table, where screaming fans can be seen trying to get their faces on television behind senior commentators Joe Hoffmann and Benny Newell.
Joe Hoffman: Hello everyone, I’m Joe Hoffman, here with Benny Newell to welcome you to another action packed episode of High Octane Wrestling’s Thursday Night Turmoil!
Benny Newell: And I’m Benny Newell.
Joe Hoffman: You don’t even listen when I speak most of the time, do you Benny? We have an exciting line up for you tonight, folks. After a stunning return to high Octane Wrestling last week, former LSD Champion David Black gets back into singles action against Vince Jones in a match sure to make or break Black’s much hyped re-debut. We’re going to see the almost undefeated Carmen Jennings in action tonight as well, looking to make up for a tough loss to LSD Champion Justin Decent last week, when she takes on Christopher America for the HOFC Championship!
Benny Newell: You know, I always wondered about that Joe. If HOFC Title matches are now all contested under Last Man Standing rules, and Carmen Jennings is a woman, then shouldn’t Christopher America be the last man standing by default?
Joe Hoffman: Of all the idiotic things, Benny, I swear to– actually, you know what? I don’t know how that works. I doubt we’re going to see Lee Best calling it a Last Person Standing match any time soon, though. We’ve got the ICON Champion, MPlow–
Benny Newell: ChristPlow. RESPECT THE MESSIAH, HOFFMAN.
Joe Hoffman: …ChristPlow taking on Shane Reynolds, in what is sure to be a high impact, high tension singles match. The title isn’t on the line, but there’s a lot more than gold riding on this one. And finally, in the main event, we’ll see Simon Sparrow and Mark O’Neal taking on HOW World Champion Aceldama and LSD Champion Justin Decent. This is our first War Games sneak preview, and you can bet your ass that Lee Best is going to be watching his team very carefully going into this one.
Benny Newell: Yeah yeah, that’s all fine and dandy Hoffster. But I think the highlight of the night is about to happen before our very eyes.
Joe Hoffman: I’d almost forgotten. *sigh*
The lights in the Kallisten Coliseum begin to dim, as a spotlight shines straight down from the ceiling and onto the entrance way. Around the arena, several giant, neon crucifixes cascade from the rafters, each bearing a smiling picture of ICON Champion ChristPlow, smiling and giving a wink as he displays two thumbs up. There is an immediate booing throughout the audience, including a semi-audible Joe Hoffman at the announcer’s table. A low fog begins to roll from the curtain, and suddenly a powerful choir can be heard blasting over the speakers.
Choir: HAAAALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLEEEEEEELUUUUUJAH!
There is an explosion of pyro in the shape of a giant crucifix, as “Jesus Freak” by DC Talk begins to pump through the sound system. The raucous booing continues as Mike Plow, dressed in a white robe and wrestling boots, makes his way out onto the stage. He holds his arms out to the sides in the cliché Jesus pose, as the candles lining the steel ramp light his face from below.
Joe Hoffman: Lee Best announced earlier this afternoon that there would be a coronation ceremony for the new ICON Champion, but I can only imagine what that means. With spots still open on Team Best, this could be in indication that in just a few short moments, we’re going to see MPlow inducted as his next member for War Games.
Benny Newell: Fuck Simon Sparrow, I want to know why ChristPlow isn’t a captain! Who wouldn’t want the Lord leading the troops into battle?!
Joe Hoffman: Well, maybe if Plow ever makes his way down to the ring, we can find out what this coronation ceremony is all about.
Plow makes his way slowly down the ramp, looking affectionately and mocking at his legions of “followers” in the crowd. The Apostles appear from behind the curtain as well, including the newest seventh apostle, Luke the squirrel, who rides on Doug’s shoulder. They drift down the ramp toward the Savior, despite the screamed obscenities and blaspheming words equally being thrown their way. ChristPlow regally steps up each of the ring stairs, wiping his sandals on the apron as he waits patiently for the Apostles to hold the ropes open for him. As Ryan and Doug lean on the ropes, he steps between them and into the ring, taking the microphone from HOW announcer Bryan McVay. With a small smile, he presents the microphone to the Apostle Matthew, leaning over so as not to make the smallish half man stretch.
Matthew: Ladies and gentiles, followers and fanatics, I welcome you from the bottom of my heart of hearts to High Octane Wrestling, to Thursday Night Turmoil, but most importantly to a historic night in not only professional wrestling, not only sports entertainment, but also the world at large. Tonight, in front of millions watching all over the world and the generous number of fans in attendance, you will see the coronation of a God amongst men, of a king amongst peasants. On behalf of myself and my fellow esteemed Apostles, I would like to introduce you to a man who is not just a former HOFC Champion… a man who is not only the current HOW ICON Champion… but also a man who died for your sins. A man who hung from a cross like a lynched sla–
He stops, taking a pointed look at the Apostle Mark who stares back disapprovingly.
Matthew: –a man who was crucified so that you may live free of the burden of sin. Tomorrow, you may ask for his forgiveness, but tonight, ladies and gentlemen, he asks only for your admiration. From Atlantic City, New Jersey but originally hailing from Nazareth, Israel, he is your High Octane Wrestling ICON Champion and the Lord and Savior of all mankind– please welcome the Almightiest of Awesome, the one and only CHRISTPLOW!
He throws his stubby, frightening arms into the air, cheering wildly as the other Apostles, perhaps minus Ryan, follow suit. From the crowd, obscenities and garbage begin to cascade toward the ring. ChristPlow seems surprisingly ignorant to this, as he takes a seat in his over-sized throne. MPlow crosses a leg, arching his back against the velvet of the chair as Mark approaches the table next to the chair. He lifts the cloth from the top of the bulging object, revealing it to be nothing short of a solid gold king’s crown, complete with diamond and ruby stubs along the headpiece.
Joe Hoffman: This is completely ridiculous, not to mention blasphemous. I can already see FOX News writing their hate piece. Can we just get to the action and forget about all this pageantry garbage?
Benny Newell: I’m gonna start wearing rubber boots to work, Joe. I wanna be grounded when ChristPlow’s father starts throwing lightning your way.
Mark lifts the crown carefully from the table, leaning forward as ChristPlow bends to accept the crowning. Mark places it gently on top of the Savior’s stubbly shaven head, as a smile comes over the face of the faux-Jesus. Matthew hands him the microphone, which he takes with great pride.
ChristPlow: Thank you, Mark, and a special thank you to Matthew. This is a very special honor, one that I have been deserving of for quite some time. For those of you in the crowd who hurl jeers and boos at me tonight, do not think for a moment that your words are falling on deaf ears. I will not have my ceremony ruined by the very people I have suffered and scarred to save, and if you cannot conduct yourselves like civilized human beings than I will ignore you like the overweight, obedience school drop outs you truly resemble.
There is a further uproar from the crowd, which MPlow simply takes in stride, chuckling to himself.
ChristPlow: Ah yes, I am the Lamb of God, it’s true– but you, the insolent fans and jeering groupies? You are truly the sheep. Cheer, boo, cheer, boo. If I were to bless your sports teams or curse your filthy politicians, you would change your tune. How easily swayed the flock, how fickle the herd. But tonight is not about you, heathen fuckers– it’s about me! So shut the fuck up or I’ll have security throw you out one by one until it’s just me and Luke the me-damned squirrel sitting in this arena!
The booing heightens for a moment, but seemingly calms down. A man who thinks he’s Jesus probably isn’t fucking around.
ChristPlow: Tonight, heathens, is a momentous occasion. Why? Because tonight I am being honored not for my accomplishments in the spiritual world, but my successes in the world of professional wrestling. Tonight I wear a crown of gold, not a crown of thorns. Tonight, Lee Best has given me this time to celebrate the coronation of a NEW High Octane ICON Champion. Because, ladies and gentlemen, tonight I am honored to be not only your RELIGIOUS icon, but also your champion. I have been entrusted with not only the most prestigious sounding title the company has to offer, but also the responsibility to keep it out of the hands of those which would bring this company burning to the ground. Who would cast out the ratings like lepers from the city. It is ChristPlow and ChristPlow alone who is charged with eliminating the Unholy Trinity and keeping them from acquiring the ICON Championship, and it is a duty that Lee Best knows I will fulfill even if it means dying for another three miserable fucking days.
He hoists the ICON Championship, presented to him by the Apostle Doug, high over his shoulder, giving it a little blessing.
ChristPlow: More than a thousand tiny candles, more than these wonderfully decorated crosses, and more than my own awesome looking beard, I value this championship. I will protect it like I have for so long protected this earth upon which you mortal men call home. In fact, I know I’m letting the cat out of the bag here a little early, but I will continue to protect this championship going into War Games, as the next member of–
Suddenly, Doug gets in his ear, whispering frantically. The look on MPlow’s face changes drastically.
ChristPlow: What the fuck–?! What do you mean I’m not going to be the next member of Team Best? But I assumed that’s why I was being coronated tonight. Are you shitting me? Tell me someone is shitting me.
Doug shakes his head sadly, talking away from the microphone as ChristPlow continues to look more distressed.
ChristPlow: No! This is fucking bullshit! I’m out here with the ‘thou’ this and the ‘thine’ that, and Lee fucking Best doesn’t want me on his War Games team? The fuck? Well isn’t this just awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry for the delay, but I have been hung out to dry. I have been crucified, Judas’d by my own employer. Tonight, I was to announce to you that I was going to be the next member of Lee Best’s handpicked War Games team. And why wouldn’t I be? Look at me! I’m the fucking ICON Champion! I’m the Lord and Savior of all things awesome! Jesus Christ, erm, Mesus Christ, who the fuck am I supposed to face at War Games now, Crow?!
He begins throwing a fit in the ring, knocking over the throne and tossing the crown toward the guardrail at ringside.
ChristPlow: No, this is horseshit. This isn’t happening. I know Lee hadn’t actually, you know, MENTIONED anything to me about being on his team, but why the fuck wouldn’t he want me? And he thinks I’m just going to face Crow at War Games since he’s all number one contender or whatever? Fuck that shit. Tonight, I destroy Shane Reynolds. Tonight, I put the Anti-Christ into a grave he can’t Satan his way out of. And after that? Next week, live on Turmoil, your ICON Champion is issuing a challenge. Fuck waiting for War Games. Fuck all this team speculation. With me as my witness, you’re going to see Crow cashing in his title shot NEXT WEEK on Turmoil, and it had better be the fucking main event. All my matches, from now on, had better fucking be the main event. You know why? Cause I’m the ICON Champion. Cause I’m JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. And once I’m done with two thirds of the Unholy Trinity, bet your heathen asses that I’m going to tear the dark Father Michael and his altar boy Davie Boy Black in half like a holy fucking phonebook. You don’t fuck with the Jesus. You can’t have a War Games team without members, and after I’m done with Black, and Reynolds, and Crow, I’m coming for Aceldama. And Justin Decent. And Simon fucking Sparrow and Max Kael and every other heathen piece of not Jesus that thinks they’re going to main event fucking War Games is buried, dead, and forgotten. Shane Reynolds and Crow are just the fucking beginning.
He snorts, hard, launching a wad of spit directly into the center of the canvas.
ChristPlow: ChristPlow out.
He drops the microphone, spiking it hard against the ring as he ushers his Apostles out like some kind of angry farmer. The fans in the arena begin to cheer their asses off, watching MPlow’s tantrum with more than mild interest.
Joe Hoffman: Well that settles that. Looks like there’s no place for religion in the workplace.
Benny Newell: NOOO! What the hell? I don’t understand it, Joe. Lee Best is smarter than that. Why wouldn’t he want ChristPlow representing him at War Games?
Joe Hoffman: Well, if he ever did, I think it’s safe to say that MPlow won’t be getting the invite now. Maybe a Bottom Line, but–
Benny Newell: Don’t even joke, Hoffman. Just drink.
Suddenly “Undead” hits the PA system and everyone in the arena turns their attention to the entrance ramp as the unmistakable entrance music of the owner of High Octane Wrestling hits.
Inside the ring ChristPlow pushes his Apostles to the side and is seething as he leans on the top rope waiting for Lee to make his entrance.
Joe Hoffman: Well obviously Lee didn’t like what he was hearing from Plow and ….well where is he?
The music ends and there is still no Lee Best….
Benny Newell: Trust me….Lee is coming out to right the wrong that..
Suddenly the HOV comes to life and we see an extreme close up of Lee who is smiling.
In the ring ChristPlow begins screaming at the HOV as the crowd actually gives some cheers to the owner who technically should be spending the rest of his life in prison.
Lee Best: Ah Mikey….you will say anything huh?
Lee doesn’t wait for Mikey to reply as he continues…
Lee Best: You know I am all bout you saying you are this….saying you are that…and to be honest I agree with everything you just said…well ALMOST everything..
Plow stares intently with the rest of the crowd at Lee as everyone can sense something big is coming.
Lee Best: You see Mikey I like your fire…I like your passion..and quite frankly it reminds me of a young Jatt Starr and Mikey..he is a fucking Hall of Famer. So you see I know you are talented…I know you are going places..I know you are a ratings machine and I know above all else..you will NOT be wrestling Crow at War Games…you will NOT be wrestling in a singles match…cause you WILL BE wrestling in the War Games match…and you WILL BE on TEAM MOTHERFUCKING BEST!!
Plow smiles and then turns to Apostle Doug and slaps him across the face for telling him that he wouldn’t be on Team Best.
Lee Best: You see Mikey I see a lot of potential in you and pairing you up with Simon Sparrow..aka Jatt Starr…Max Kael and the first ever War Games Winner Mark O’Neal…and don’t forget these men are ALL HALL OF FAMERS….and I think this is the time for you to ascend to the next fucking level….now the question I have for you is do you accept this position?
ChristPlow: Of course I fucking accept I am Jesus fucking Christ for God’s sake..I am..
Lee Best: HOLD IT THERE SON…..
Plow stops instantly and looks up at Lee.
Lee Best: You see you might call yourself Christ and that’s been going on for what…two weeks? Well SON…I have been GOD of this motherfucking company since the inception of fucking High Octane Time. So figuratively that makes me your fucking father and I know I respected my father and I am going to expect the same from your ass cause quite frankly I am giving you every opportunity to succeed here in HOW…which brings me to the main reason why you are on team Best…
The camera pans out slowly and we see that Lee Best is surrounded by several men in suits. One of them hands Lee a piece of paper and Lee holds it up to the camera.
Lee Best: You see Mikey these men are my lawyers and after a very very LONG day we have confirmed what I have suspected for years…
Lee pauses to roll up his sleeve to reveal a small bandage on his arm.
Lee Best: Earlier today I gave my blood to a douchebag of a doctor for my yearly physical and I had him take a DNA sample last year when the whole Kostoff’s baby deal was going on and he informed me that I am a father…and of course I asked how the hell did he do that…was Kirsta pregnant was my next question and then he showed me this piece of paper….
The camera zooms in and we see that it is a birth certificate. The mothers name is Julie Marie Manzella and the father’s name is Lee Best.
Joe Hoffman: What the heck??
Then the camera pans and we see the child’s name…..MICHAEL VINCENT PLOW
The Kallisten Coliseum goes into complete shock and that includes all the High Octane employees including ChristPlow in the ring.
Lee Best: That’s right Mikey…..I am your FATHER……SO DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME…….DADDY OUT!!!!
The HOV goes black as we cut to commercial leaving a stunned ChristPlow inside the ring.
WAR GAMES MATCH
Aceldama, Justin Decent, David Black , Shane Reynolds and ?? vs. Simon Sparrow, Max Kael, Mark O’Neal, ChristPlow and ??
SEX N VIOLENCE MATCH
Carmen Jennings vs. Static
Michael Norcia vs. James Ranger
Joe Hoffman: What do you say, Benny? Are you ready to get started with the action here on Thursday Night Turmoil?
Benny Newell: Get the action started? Lee Best is Mplow’s father you idiot….is that not action already and Leedamn I should of known…they look alike and the whole Holier than Thou…Jesus H ChristPlow this is AWESOME!!
Joe Hoffman: I honestly don’t believe it because its Lee….but lets focus in on the task at hand..you ready?
Benny Newell: Well, let’s see… I’ve got a row of ten shots lined up, which will probably be enough to get me through the first match. I dunno, though… I may need more depending on which curtain-jerkers are booked to compete.
As Joe admonishes Benny for his lack of attention to the card, Bryan McVay assumes the introductions for Hydra and Michael Norcia; neither side earning much of a response from the fans who are still in shock from the opening segment. With many others are taking to restroom breaks and concession runs, the seats are nearly empty upon referee Joel Hortega’s call for the bell.
Joe Hoffman: Folks, I’m receiving confirmation from the back that this match will indeed be contested under Handicap rules. We’ll see how that affects ‘The Extinction Level Event’ Michael Norcia, especially coming off a loss last week to ‘The Wrecking Ball’ Static.
Already five shots down during the introductions alone, Benny tips back a sixth as the match gets under way, starting with Norcia and James ‘Black Mamba’ Ranger in the ring. As Ranger talks some last-minute strategy with his tag team partner Jake Archer, Norcia blindsides them both, forcing James into Jake and knocking the latter to the outside. Caught off-guard, Ranger turns and is met with a thunderous right hand; Norcia’s ‘Hand of God’ trademark punch enough to level his opponent to the mat.
With ‘Black Mamba’ clearly dazed and his partner still shaking off the dust on the outside, Norcia quickly applies his Crucifix submission finisher and applies a tremendous amount of pressure on James Ranger’s neck.
Joe Hoffman: Black Mamba has just been ‘Nailed to the Cross’! This one was over before it even started, Benny!
As Benny downs his 7th shot of the night, Ranger immediately taps out to the submission; Jake Archer just a second too late in making the save for Hydra.
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner by way of submission in 0:28… The Extinction Level Event… MICHAEL NORCIA!!!
Benny Newell: You’re kidding me?! That quick?! I didn’t even get through my front line!
Joe Hoffman: Well, Hydra entered this match with a tremendous 2-on-1 advantage and just got downright embarrassed by ‘The Extinction Level Event’’; an impressive bounce-back victory for Michael Norcia.
For his efforts in trying to make the save, Jake Archer receives a Stunner from Norcia, who makes quick work of Hydra in leaving them laid out in the ring. As he walks back up the entrance ramp, Benny quickly takes care of the remaining 3 shots sitting before him before the show cuts away elsewhere.
The camera returns backstage to the immediate shot of a new-look Shane Reynolds – sans face paint and with his hair trimmed a fraction shorter than it’s previously, usual length. The close-up of his face keeping all else in the vicinity of his current location out of view and fully conveying to the crowd watching from ringside and the audience at home the expression of discomfort – for want of a better word – currently etched upon it.
Benny Newell: Welcome to Emo Bucket List number 82!
Joe Hoffman: What are you talking about?
Benny Newell: Just look at his damn face: it looks like he’s copying Lee and getting jacked-off, but with sandpaper rather than a C-Note.
He pauses briefly as he turns to Joe, a solemn and genuinely questioning look on his face.
Benny Newell: Isn’t that what those kind of freaks like?
Joe Hoffman: Not everything that occurs backstage revolves around or includes sexual content.
Benny Newell: Well it fucking well should!
And while that may be true, the discomfort Shane feels has nothing to do with anything of the sort but of what he’s thinking. Of how wrong the words sound within his own head, how wrong they feel as he opens it to finally speak them:
Shane Reynolds: Calm down! You’re letting your emotions run wild and get the better of you.
As though on cue from this sentence, the camera pulls back to reveal Shane is standing in his locker-room and has already changed into his ring attire for his upcoming match with Mike Plow – Shane himself refusing to acknowledge the man as anything but his given name. Shane’s words had been directed at Crow, who is now seen also in the locker-room, standing against the far wall, after a few moments of pacing back and forth, perturbed.
Crow: And we both know why that is: I accepted this invitation back to HOW to finally finish Mario Maurako off for good, to put a final exclamation point on the events that occurred between myself and Mario. But what happens? He gets taken out before I get my chance. By Static of all people. And what happens next, when I send in a request to take him on either one-on-one or to show him the error of those ways in a handicap match? I find it doesn’t get booked.
Shane Reynolds: Well, that was our own doing. We should have done it in person, gone and seen Lee directly. We even had the chance last Thursday, but we let it slip by. Now, Static is fully booked – and irrelevant anyway. We need to forget it and move on.
Crow: We both know you’re only remaining so calm because you have the match you want, against the man you currently feel most animosity for!
At the mention of this ‘animosity’, Shane’s mind flashes back to the events of last week, when Mike Plow had so blatantly disrespected and humiliated him, and immediately feels that animosity, that anger, increase within him, bubbling up, crashing like a wave and corroding the surface of his resolve. His hands rub unconsciously at the areas on his wrists he had been bound and restrained, still able to feel the cut of the ropes against his flesh.
Shane Reynolds: Be that as it may. Let me ask you something, lest you forget: Is it for his ICON championship?
Crow answers immediately with a shake of his head.
Shane Reynolds: No, it’s not. His ultimate defeat will be at your hands, when you take that title away from him. You’ll get a shot at Static down the road, I’m sure. And Mario, too, when he returns. For now though, you need to concentrate on the task at hand and start preparing for winning that championship.
Crow: And when are you gonna tell me what you’re focused on?
Shane Reynolds: Generally? Ensuring the right team – and the right person – wins at War Games, obviously. That Aceldama crashes like a train-wreck rather than jets off in a blaze of glory. As of this moment, though, it’s my duty to ensure Plow suffers aforementioned inevitable fate. It’s my focused goal to go out there and weaken him to the point that people will question whether he’ll even be in a fit state to defend the championship in the near future.
Shane pauses as his imagination grants him an image of this situation. He’s unable to keep the smirk from his face as he witnesses it.
Shane Reynolds: If he thinks me and you are part of some unholy Trinity, and that I am the Anti-Christ, who am I to disappoint him and contradict this belief? I’m going to go out there and destroy and defeat him so blatantly, that people are going to wonder how he won the championship in the first place….much less believe that he has some kind of almightily bestowed powers and is the son of the devil Lee Best…we all know thats a sham by Lee. So you’d be remiss to think I’m going out there solely for some manner of vengeance and retribution.
Shane pauses to allow his lips to curl up at the corners into a smirk.
Shane Reynolds: Although, let’s face it. That will be a fun little bonus, too. Which is why I trust you’ll be there to witness it from ringside?
Shane’s words come out not as a comment but a question, this answer to which Crow offers with a single nod of the head. Shane then promptly takes the last few steps over to the door and pulls it open.
Shane Reynolds: Glad to hear it. I’ll see you there, but if you excuse me for now, I have an errand to run.
Before Crow can enquire further on this, Shane steps out of the door and pulls it closed behind him. Leaving him to turn back to the monitor which immediately cuts back to ringside, just in time for a final quip from behind the announcers table.
Benny Newell: Hundred bucks it’s to buy more sandpaper.
With the fans of the Kallisten Coliseum growing restless, ‘Phase’ by Breaking Benjamin cues out over the speakers, prompting a flash of the word PHENOMENAL to appear briefly across the High Octane Vision screen. With the crowd’s attention now diverted to the stage, the HOV and the house lights dim to black before dozens of neon blue strobe lights begin scanning the arena.
Benny Newell: GAH! I can’t see where I’m pouring!
As Benny tries to prevent from spilling his second round of the night, the theme music and anticipation build up until an arrangement of silver and neon blue fireworks blast from over the stage.
Joe Hoffman: Ladies and Gentlemen, “Phenomenal” Ryan Faze has returned to Thursday Night Turmoil!
Wearing designer blue jeans, a customized home-white Chicago Cubs jersey, and a pair of silver mirrored-shades that hide his baby blue-colored eyes, Faze slowly treads out from the curtain to what proves to be a thunderous ovation from his hometown crowd.
Joe Hoffman: Just listen to this reception for the “Phenomenal One”! Two weeks removed from his victory at the Lethal Lottery and Ryan Faze hasn’t lost touch with these High Octane fans!
Benny Newell: Why? Because the fucker turned Straight Edge on us?
Joe Hoffman: Sorry… um, Straight Edge?
Benny Newell: Come on, Joe. If anyone should understand the lifestyle, it should be your dumb ass. I mean, fuck. Don’t you still go to those World of Warcraft conventions on the weekends?
Joe Hoffman: Dammit, Benny! I told you a thousand times… it’s a Magic: The Gathering club and you leave them out of this!
As Joe collects himself from a rare outburst, Faze descends the entrance ramp and enters the ring; a stiff expression written across his face as he leans over the ropes and receives a microphone from Bryan McVay. Standing alone in the center of the ring, Ryan removes the mirrored shades from his face and speaks slowly upon raising the microphone up to his lips.
Ryan Faze: Just listen to all of you… cheering for me as if I was your hero.
Upon hearing this, the crowd immediately breaks out into a “Faze of HOW” chant; one that produces a smile on the face of the former LSD champion and General Manager of HOW.
Ryan Faze: Please, don’t. Stop. Seriously, that’s enough…
Ryan’s initial reaction appears to be out of flattery and appreciation. However, Ryan’s trademark smile quickly disappears and is replaced by a more serious, solemn expression. While this sudden change in attitude leaves some of his Phenomenal Fans confused, the chant continues in large part throughout the Kallisten Coliseum, forcing a scowl to form across the face of the “Phenomenal One”.
Ryan Faze: Didn’t you hear me? I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
With his veins now pulsating and protruding from his neck, Ryan screams into the microphone, prompting the arena to fall silent under his command. Realizing that his customized Cubs jersey with his last name stitched across the back may be altering some of the casual fans’ perception of him, Ryan removes it from his torso, tossing it over the ropes where it falls short of the entrance ramp.
Joe Hoffman: Oh, come on! What is this about?!?
Benny Newell: Quiet, you idiot and DRINK! I think we’re about to find out!
Now shirtless, a visibly conflicted Ryan Faze paces the ring several times before he settles back to the center. Once more, he raises the microphone to his lips before he stops himself; letting it fall out of his hand where it hits the mat with a thud.
For a moment, Ryan lets the heat from the crowd soak in before he quickly escapes the ring; storming frantically up the entrance ramp without rhyme or reason for his actions here tonight on Turmoil. Within seconds, he disappears behind the curtain, leaving Joe and Benny to compensate on the fly for the show’s sudden change in plans.
Joe Hoffman: Well… ahem… certainly, we apologize to those tuning into us here on High Octane Television; especially those who were expecting to hear from the “Faze of HOW” himself, Ryan Faze.
Benny Newell: I’ll bet you one of Lee’s sticky C-notes that he forgot to take his tampon out before coming out here and wasting our precious airtime. You know, Lee’s not going to take kindly to Faze’s actions here tonight.
Joe Hoffman: We can only hope to catch up with Ryan Faze later on in the program. But moving right along, it’s time to focus in on a match between two of the most dangerous superstars on our roster; men that Faze will be competing against next Thursday night on Turmoil.
Fittingly, a preview graphic of the Fatal Fourway match between Ryan Faze, Ethan Cavanaugh, Static, and Marcus Reinhardt is displayed. With a graphic of Aceldama hovering behind them in a referee’s shirt, the caption reminds us that the War Games captain’s final team spot will be up for grabs in the match.
Joe Hoffman: In lieu of what’s at stake next week, what will Static and Ethan Cavanaugh do tonight to prove that they have what it takes to compete alongside the retiring World champion at War Games?
Benny Newell: The hell if I know, but one of them is bound to tear the other’s fucking head off! Why wait until after the commercial break? Let’s see some fucking blood now, God dammit!
Joe Hoffman: Patience, Benny-san.
Benny Newell: Joe, seriously, have you been hanging out with Scottywood or someth-… hey! What the fuck?!?
Suddenly, the camera cuts away from Joe and Benny to a different location backstage, where a live shot of the arena’s loading dock reveals the open rear doors to a Kennel truck. Audibly, barking can be heard at a fervent, annoying pitch amidst the feint, but heavy breathing of someone off-camera. As the camera pans inside the truck, a large cage with thick steel bars is revealed containing an unidentified man that has been beaten to a pulp.
Joe Hoffman: Wait a minute! Is that… is that Marcus Reinhardt?!?
As the cameraman tries to get a better view, Joe’s speculation is confirmed as we find fresh purple bruises beginning to form on the face of the ‘Doberman’. Lying in a pool of his own blood, Marcus groans as the doors to the Kennel truck are slammed shut. All that can be seen is the pair of hands that we assume are responsible for the ill-fate of Marcus Reinhardt. Finally, the camera zooms back out, slowly revealing the identity of the culprit.
Joe Hoffman: Ryan Faze?!?!? We just saw him out here moments ago… but… but WHY?!?
Benny Newell: Why do you think, numnuts? He probably hasn’t had a chance to take his tampon out yet. C’mon Joe! You – out of all people – should know how bad they get stuck if you leave them up there too long. In fact, I once fucked a bitch who left her tampo-
Joe Hoffman: BENNY!
As the camera zooms out into position, a merciless Ryan Faze draws closer to its lens until a close-up of his face is shown – the Kennel truck gone in the background, having since driven off to a dog pound of Chicago. Speaking in a cold, almost whispering tone, Ryan glares evilly into the camera.
Ryan Faze: So you see… I am not your hero. Each and every one of you proclaims me as something I am not. I am not an inspiration. I am not a role model to your children. If anything, I am a selfish, drug-abusing monster who gets off on gambling with his life! You people shouldn’t cheer me. You want a reason why?!? Just look what I did to Marcus Reinhardt, who did nothing more than bump into me backstage! It’s frightening, really… this infection that I have lingering inside of me. Sadly, it’s a deadly virus that has only just begun to spread through High Octane Wrestling; an outbreak, if you will, that cannot… and will not be cured until I emerge from War Games as the new World Heavyweight champion.
Joe Hoffman: So that’s what this was about? A spot in the War Games match?! Hey Faze! Why don’t you EARN your way into the match like the rest of them instead of jumping your competition from behind?!
Benny Newell: Hey Joe! Why don’t you shut the fuck up for a second and let the man finish speaking!
Joe Hoffman: Since when did you become a supporter of Ryan Faze? Need I remind you of ICONIC, where he pi-
Benny Newell: BAH-ah-AH! That was a fluke, I tell you! A FLUKE! Besides, you know how I get during pay-per-views. I could barely even see straight by the time the match started.
Joe Hoffman: It was the opening match on the card!
Benny Newell: SO?!? I pre-gamed a bit! Now quiet! With this infection going around, I need to know whether or not I should tested for it. Shit! It better not be gonorrhea!
All Joe can do is shake is head at the absurdity going on in the booth and backstage at the loading dock, where Faze draws even closer to the camera to emphasize his intentions.
Ryan Faze: To both teams, I urge you to prepare for the inevitable. Consider this your warning that I will be at War Games. Now if you’ll excuse me… there’s a match about to start that requires my attention.
In a flash, the scene fades to black as Joe takes us into yet another commercial break.
Joe Hoffman: Strong words from the former General Manager of HOW, Ryan Faze! Don’t go away folks! Static vs. Ethan Cavanaugh is NEXT with HOFC champion Christopher America as the Special Guest Referee!
Next week for the ICON Championship the No.1 Contender Crow takes on the ICON Champion ChristPlow
Static vs. Ethan Cavanaugh
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back to Turmoil, folks. If you’re just joining us here on the program, witnesses backstage have confirmed that Ryan Faze was indeed the assailant who attacked Marcus Reinhardt. Since then, I’ve been trying to come up with a reason for Ryan’s bizarre behavior and- … I just can’t explain it, Benny.
Benny Newell: What the fuck is there to explain, Joe? Reinhardt was due for his rabies shots and he’s now en route to where he belongs… the pound! If you ask me, Faze did himself a favor here tonight by taking out one of his opponents for next week. Seems pretty cut and dry to me!
Joe Hoffman: Well, we’ll see if Faze’s ‘infectious behavior’ continues next week on Turmoil. But right now, let’s turn things back over to the ring, where Christopher America is patiently standing by as the referee for this next match up.
Benny Newell: More like impatiently… DRINK!
With a shot in each hand, Benny downs them in succession; a slightly bitter expression across his face upon doing so due to the excessive number of shots he’s taken thus far. With HOFC champion getting antsy, Bryan McVay assumes the introductions of Static and Ethan Cavanaugh; both exchanging cold looks with the Special Guest referee upon entering the ring. Neither man is looked upon favorably by the crowd, but unlike the first match, many of the fans are attentively in their seats upon America’s call for the bell.
Joe Hoffman: You can feel the tension between Cavanaugh and America here tonight. God only knows what kind of orders he heard from Ethan prior to this match. It will be unfortunate, but interesting to see if he calls this in his favor.
Benny Newell: He’d better not! Not if Static’s dear friend Shirley has anything to say about it!
Joe Hoffman: Whoa! And speaking of Shirley… Static with a cheap shot on Ethan Cavanaugh!
Cracking Ethan over the head with his trademark baseball bat, Static almost dares Christopher America to disqualify him in the match that has just barely gotten under way. Despite their history with each other, America doesn’t seem to mind Static’s cheap shot all that much and feigns that he has something in his eye, allowing Static to continue his onslaught of the ‘Alpha Black Male’.
Joe Hoffman: Static is really taking it to Ethan Cavanaugh! Much like Faze did earlier with Marcus Reinhardt, Static is weakening one of his opponents for next week’s War Games match!
Having inflicted a considerable amount of damage with Shirley, Static tosses her aside and scoops up Ethan Cavanaugh with intent to punish him even further. Delighted by Cavanaugh’s ill-fate, Christopher America beams as Static quickly performs his finishing maneuver.
Benny Newell: STATIC SLAM! Ethan’s done, Joe… fucking done.
Immediately, America – his eye now ‘miraculously’ fine – takes position to count the pin, but Static has other plans in mind. Refusing to cover Ethan Cavanaugh at the liking of the HOFC champion, Static smirks as America throws a temper tantrum; threatening to disqualify Static if he doesn’t dispose of Ethan Cavanaugh soon. Ignoring America’s orders, Static gathers Ethan on his own terms, lifting Cavanaugh high into the air with a Chokeslam-turned-Gutwrenching Spear!
Joe Hoffman: Outcast Injection! Now he makes the cover…
3 seconds later, Static finds himself on a 2 match winning streak.
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner by way of pin fall in 2:05… STATIC!!!
Despite his HOFC title defense against Carmen Jennings still to come, America is all smiles as he goes to raise the arm of Static, who quickly yanks it away; dismissing the HOFC champion as if he was inferior. Quickly, Christopher America and Static find themselves in an intense stare down; one that ensues for several heated moments until America backs down and slides out of the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Smart decision there by America… especially since he still has yet to defend the HOFC title tonight against Carmen Jennings.
No sooner does America retreat than does Static do the same, reverting to the entrance ramp where he gathers Shirley and walks to the back. Meanwhile, America slides back into the ring to taunt Ethan Cavanaugh, who tries to relay his objection to America’s decision but is in too much pain to do so effectively. Struggling to crawl to his knees, he coughs up a considerable amount of blood at America’s feet.
Joe Hoffman: Obviously, Ethan Cavanaugh is not going to be happy with his –ahem– slave, Christopher America. Still, you can’t help but think that what happened here tonight falls squarely on his own shoulders. He should have prepared for the worst knowing that America was scheduled to be the referee.
Benny Newell: Seriously. That effort was fucking pathetic. When Static whipped his bat out, Ethan should’ve countered with that enormous fucking cock of his. Woulda’ been no contest…
Joe Hoffman: Regardless, Static has some much-needed momentum heading into next week, where his War Games fate will be on the line against 3 other men; 1 of whom may or may not be Cavanaugh depending on With that said, let’s turn things over to a former World Champion of HOW…
Benny Newell: Ooh! Please tell me it’s Max?! I could use a good laugh or two, especially since these first two matches tonight blew donkey balls.
Joe Hoffman: Close. In fact, this man defended the title quite marvelously against Max as recent as March 2 Glory…
Benny Newell: Who? Fuckin’ Maurako? Eh… close enough. DRINK!
A Marvelous Moment
The crowd begins to settle from the conclusion of the previous match when “Ego” by Element Eighty hits and Mario Maurako walks out onto the stage with the Internet Title firmly around his waist, and he is without any other members of his family. Mario seems just as cocky as normal as he shows the fans the divorce papers that he was given by Bobbinette Carey-Maurako just seven days ago. Maurako grabs a microphone as he climbs the steps and enters the ring.
Mario Maurako: I stand before all of you High Octane Wrestling fans and I must admit, I’m a little sad. Not sad because Bobbinette Carey has given me this joke book, but because my HOW Championship is cheating on me with another man. But have no fear precious HOW World Title, because I too have moved on.
Mario holds up the HOW Internet Title high into the air.
Mario Maurako: I proudly give to you the HOW Internet Championship!
Mario tosses the belt over his shoulder and then shuffles the divorce papers over to his right hand.
Mario Maurako: But let’s get down to the important business now. Last week Bobbinette Carey though she could hand me these here divorce papers and all of her troubles would go away. Well, you couldn’t have been more wrong Carey-Bear. Number one, we were wed under Maurako Law and since you are a woman living on Maurako Island you have absolutely ZERO say in any marital affairs. The only person who can terminate a marriage on Maurako Island is The King of Maurako Island. And incase you forgot that too I’ll just remind you that the King of Maurako Island is none other then my father Matteo.
Joe Hoffman: Well it sounds to me like Bobbinette is screwed one way or another.
Benny Newell: And what’s wrong with that?
Joe Hoffman: I can think of a ton of things.
Mario Maurako: But poor confused Bobbinette Carey went to some American Lawyer and had these papers drawn up trying to take Maurako Island from me. Carey my dear, I can see why you would want my Island. I mean it is like a Palace compared to the ghetto you have lived in your entire life.
Joe Hoffman: Bobbinette Carey is a HOW Hall of Famer, she deserves better treatment.
Benny Newell: Ok next time I ask her to fetch me a sandwich I’ll say please.
Mario Maurako: But Carey I for one am insulted that you would go ahead and file for divorce. I single handedly rescued you from your own death in that Hospital bed some four months ago. I’m the only reason why anyone in this god damned arena even knows your name anymore.
The fans boo as Mario smiles and then rips the divorce papers in half and leaves them lying in the middle of the ring.
Mario Maurako: But Carey you do have some very valid reasons for why you should be mad at me. I mean I may have embellished a little bit over the last four months. I might have told you a few things that weren’t exactly true. For starters, does everyone remember that little Care-A-Thon we had? Well that money didn’t go to pay Carey’s medical bills. I mean do I look stupid? I needed the money because running your own country like Maurako Island isn’t exactly cheap.
The fans boo as Mario continues to talk while pacing about the ring.
Mario Maurako: And then there was your retarded little sister Livie. I think I told you something along the lines that she had spent all of your money or something like that. That little bitch didn’t spend all of your money. You’re actually filthy rich Bobbinette Carey, well, you were rich. Because when I file for Divorce I will be taking every single penny in your bank account.
Joe Hoffman: And there isn’t a thing anyone can do about this. This is horrible!
Benny Newell: She deserves it Hoffman.
Joe Hoffman: What did she do to deserve this?
Benny Newell: Well one time I heard that Mario wanted a sandwich with four pickles and she only put three on it.
Joe Hoffman: That’s a rumor.
Benny Newell: Not true, Mario can confirm it.
As Benny and Hoffman bantered they missed Bobbinette Carey-Maurako run right passed them. Bobbinette slides into the ring and stands behind Mario, and the fans begin to cheer with excitement. Mario raises his hand in the air taking in the cheers from the stands, and then suddenly Bobbinette leaps onto his back and locks in a rear naked choke. Maurako stumbles around the ring in shock and attempts to fling Bobbinette off of his back but her legs are hooked around Mario’s waist. Mario slowly begins to fade and Carey rides him down to the canvas.
Joe Hoffman: Bobbinette Carey has come from seeming nowhere and appears to be choking out Mario.
Benny Newell: Where is security? This is crazy! She is supposed to be adrift in the Ocean.
Joe Hoffman: Well apparently she got to land somehow.
Bobbinette Carey releases the choke hold and Mario lies motionless on the canvas as the crowd cheers. Bobbinette reaches into her shirt and pulls out her knife and stares down at Mario, but before she can do anything Mario is pulled from the ring by his father Matteo and his brother Martino. The two Maurakos then slowly drag Mario up the ramp as we go to commercial.
David Black vs. ‘The Violence’ Vince Jones
Back from commercial break, the in-ring presence of ‘The Violence’ Vince Jones commands the beginning of our third contest. Amidst some boos from the crowd, Jones leans lazily against the ropes, looking overly confident as he awaits the arrival of his opponent.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back to Turmoil folks, where you are joining us in time for the anticipated in-ring return of the longest reigning LSD champion in HOW history, David Black. Last week, David surprised us all with his return to HOW in aiding the ICON champion ChristPlow, only to turn on him moments later in the Main Event tag team match against Crow and Shane Reynolds. Let’s take a look back at the footage.
Promptly, the High Octane Vision screen displays the footage that Joe requested, showcasing Black’s unexpected arrival and the execution of his Blackout finisher against Shane Reynolds, Crow, and ChristPlow, respectively. As the footage wraps up, a mixed reaction is heard from the live Chicago crowd; the majority of the fans just simply unsure of how to respond to David’s actions and return to HOW.
Joe Hoffman: As you just saw, David Black put the entire High Octane locker room on notice last week by making a statement against three of this company’s finest competitors. I’ll tell you what, Benny… under the guidance of Father Michael, he makes for a dangerous addition to Team Aceldama at War Games.
Benny Newell: Fuck off, Joe. Team Best dominated last year’s War Games and will easily do the same this year. Just look at how lopsided the teams are already!
Joe Hoffman: Well, we could argue War Games predictions all night long, but right now, we’ve got a match that’s about to-
Suddenly, Joe is interrupted by the house lights flickering inside the Kallisten Coliseum. For the second week in a row, they cut out completely, leaving the arena pitch black for several seconds until they return back to normal. As they do so, David Black is seen in the ring standing directly behind Vince Jones, who looks out toward the stage and the entrance curtain expecting his opponent to arrive. Looking eerily demonic – his eyes unnaturally black in color behind his long, black-hooded robe – Black remains firm in his position until his opponent backs up, right into David’s Codebreaker finisher.
Joe Hoffman: ‘Blackout’ on Vince Jones!
From the outside, Father Michael instructs Matt Boettcher to ring the bell. Left with no other options, Boettcher shrugs and obliges, dropping right into his count as Black immediately applies a lateral press. 3 seconds later, Black’s theme music hits and the lights flicker once again, allowing Black to disappear after easily disposing of ‘The Violence’.
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner by way of pinfall in 0:03… DAVID BLACK!!!
With Black and Father Michael now gone, the lights return again with Vince Jones still on his back, trying to return to sorts after his near-record defeat.
Suddenly the HOV comes back to life and we see Lee Best on the screen.
Lee Best: Vinnie I would honestly love to come down there and stab you in the fucking eye but honestly I am a little too busy at the moment …
Lee holds up a Parenthood for Dummies book and puts it down smiling.
Lee Best: So let me just make this short and sweet….you are fired….Good Night and please get the fuck outta my ring!!
The HOV goes back to black as does the career of Vince Jones here in HOW as we go to commercial.
In the backstage area, we find KC Kash and Porno Prometheus locked in a heated discussion. The cameraman, apparently not wanting to be noticed, approaches the pair slowly so for a few moments there’s no sound. However, it’s clear by the pairs agitated demeanor that they are in the midst of an argument. A few moments later the cameraman is close enough to the teammates to pick up audio as Kash is in the middle of speaking.
KC Kash: -the hell you think you are! Your tag team titles?! We’re a goddamn team!
Porno Prometheus: My team! You fucks wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me! I chose you to be in MY team! I got us out contract! And I make things fucking happen. What do you do besides lose?!
The two men get right in each other’s face, staring each other down for a tense moment before Porno would poke Kash in the center of his chest.
Porno Prometheus: You’re nothing without me! Nothing!
KC Kash: I don’t need you!
With those words it looked like the two were about to come to blows but before either one could take a swing, Porno was clubbed from behind and sent stumbling from behind. The cameraman shifts the camera to catch sight of the individual who clubbed Porno from behind. The man was a 7’1” black man who had to weigh about 400 pounds, standing there silently as Kash doubles Porno over with a boot to the gut before following it with the hard punt kick to the side of the head.
Not satisfied with this, Kash signals to the big man who slips on a pair of brass knuckles onto his right hand before moving over to Porno and pulling him up to his feet by his hair. Kash takes this opportunity to slap Porno a few times to stir him into awareness. The moment Porno started to show signs of becoming aware, Kash takes the chance to shout in his face.
KC Kash: KC Kash just kicked your ass!
Before Porno has a chance to react to those words, the big black man draws back his fist and strikes him hard with the brass knuckles. Laying out Porno before turning and walking away with Kash. Walking right past the cameraman who turns to follow them for a moment before turning the camera back towards the fallen form of Porno Prometheus, zooming in on the unconscious man for a moment.
Holy Reaction Batman
The camera cuts to another part of the backstage of the Kallisten Coliseum, into the locker room of ICON Champion and all around despised human being ChristPlow. The Apostle Mark stands tall and intimidating, blocking double bolted and locked door not from entry, but from the looks of things, departure. In the center of the locker room, ChristPlow smashes his head at moderate strength against the end table next to his favorite leather couch, yelling in frustration. Whatever the camera crews are picking up, it’s been in progress for quite some time.
ChristPlow: Damnit, Mark, let me out! I wanna go see my father!
Mark shakes his head, silently letting his employer know that he isn’t going anywhere. Luke, squirrely as ever, perches atop Marcus’ shoulder, also shaking his small furry head in a ‘no’ motion.
Ryan: We’re keeping you here for you own good, Mike. And stop calling him that– there is absolutely no proof that Lee Best is actually your father. Don’t you think you would have heard something by now if his name was on your birth certificate?
ChristPlow: Semantics, Ryan. Pure fucking semantics. I WANT MY DADDY AND I WANT HIM RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!
He rushes forward, lumbering into Mark at full speed. Laughing, Marcus pushes a hand forward and holds the might ICON Champion at bay.
ChristPlow: Get your huge mud hut making hands off me, you half evolved piece of ghetto trash! This is abduction! This is kidnapping! This is– well, downright fucking inconvenient! You can’t just… keep me here. It’s unconstitutional! I’LL CALL CHRISTOPHER AMERICA!
Matthew: Mike, settle down buddy, alright?
He places a small, barely human hand on the small of MPlow’s back, patting it encouragingly.
Matthew: Ryan does have a point. Lee Best is famous for three things: Fucking any woman within ten feet of him, stabbing people in the face with a VERY unsanitary pen, and, well– screwing and swerving over every single person he’s ever encountered. I mean, come on buddy– he had his own cocksucking brother killed to keep himself out of jail.
ChristPlow: ALLEGEDLY. And that’s my cocksucking UNCLE you’re talking about, Verne Troyer, so I’d advise you to watch your mouth when you speak ill of the AIDS ridden dead. Look, I know this seems far fetched, alright? But think about the guy I always knew as my father– you guys are all from Atlantic City, you’ve met him probably. “The Italian Stallion” Mark Plow, the nicest guy in professional wrestling. Do you really think that he could possibly be my father? Look at me– I’m probably the second most despicable human being on the face of the earth. Second only to who? To Lee Best, my father! We even look alike.
The apostles each take a step back, looking over the ICON Champion. The looks on their faces is almost priceless as they realize the resemblance.
Ryan: Alright, well, you have a point. As a person, you suck.
ChristPlow: Aw, thanks buddy. You didn’t have to say that.
Ryan: No, no, it’s true. You are possibly the most horrendous human being I’ve ever met. But that doesn’t make you Lee Best’s son. That just makes you an asshole.
Doug: You know, I spoke with Mike’s mother in the morgue when she identified the body. Her name IS Julie Marie Manzella. And she’s kind of a whore. I’d bet she’d have fucked Lee when he was– uh– how old is Lee Best anyway?
Zachariah: He’s forty five. Don’t ask me how I know that.
ChristPlow cuts Zack a dirty look, as the other apostles clear out of his way.
ChristPlow: Are you fucking stalking my dad, dude? I’ll fucking murder you.
Zachariah: No, no! I– look, I should have told you, alright? When your mother found out that you were Jesus and all that stuff, she called the hotel a few times. I didn’t think you’d want to talk to her, especially after she said all those horrible things about you on your deathbed. But she told me she had important information about your father– your real father.
ChristPlow: My real father? You mean she knows that Mark Plow isn’t my real dad?
Zachariah: Yes. She’s apparently known for a long time. Mark shot blanks, and the only guy she fucked in the span of their marriage besides him was some kid named Lee that she met while your dad was out of town. He was charming, witty, and apparently stabbed some mugger in the face with a–
ChristPlow: –Ballpoint pen?
ChristPlow: And you never told me this? Oh, and HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY MOTHER TO TELL YOU ALL OF THIS OVER THE PHONE?!
Doug: Over the phone? No, Mike, she was at the hotel last night after you went to bed. I’m surprised you didn’t hear them, with all the commotion…
ChristPlow: Co-co-commotion?! Dude, you didn’t like, bang my mom, did you?
Zachariah: Uh, I– I wanted information? Pillow talk, bro, it’s pretty much the only time women don’t lie.
ChristPlow: I’m gonna murder you. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY–
Apostles (In Unison): YOU DON’T HAVE A NINE!
ChristPlow pushes away from Marcus, as Zack takes off in the other direction. He begins chasing his punching bag of an Apostle, throwing every object he can find at him during the pursuit. A marble statue, a golf club, even Luke the squirrel are used as weapons during the pseudo homicidal race. Finally, ChristPlow dives over the couch, sending Zack sailing to the floor with a tackle that would make a linebacker blush. He begins firing right hands into the forehead and face of his Apostle, until he’s pulled off by the others and made to calm down.
Ryan: Look Mike, I know you’re mad, alright? But you need to–
ChristPlow: Mad? Are you kidding me? Zack just proved that Lee Best is my father. You’re all wrong, and I’m right! How could I possibly be mad?
Zachariah: Then– *gasp* Why did you– *cough* Why did you attack me?
ChristPlow: None of your concern, Apostle. Besides, you did kinda fuck my mom, dude.
Zachariah: So did Lee Best!
ChristPlow: I know, isn’t it awesome! I’m going to see my father.
He pushes toward the door, and Marcus merely shrugs this time, letting him pass. Eagerly, Plow unlatches the door and runs out into the hallway.
He disappears from sight, leaving the other apostles to shake their heads.
Ryan: This isn’t going to end well.
He closes the door, slumping down into a chair as the camera cuts to commercial.
Next week Scottywood and Carmen Jennings will open the show with Tag Team Title News!
Shane Reynolds vs. MPlow
Back from break, the action cuts immediately to the ring, where the action between ICON champion ChristPlow and former ICON champion, Shane Reynolds has just gotten under way.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back to Thursday Night Turmoil, where we apologize for running a little long with our commercial…
Benny Newell: The fuck you apologizing for? You know as well as I do that our sponsors pay our salaries….plus even Scottywood commercials have A.D.D…why it went fucking long.
The HOV comes to life and we see what went down during the commercial break as we see Lee Best leaving in his hummer limo and a hustling ChristPlow just missing him before his exit.
Benny Newell: Dammit..so close to an emotional reunion!!
Joe Hoffman: I still don’t believe Lee is his father but Mike obviously does and you can tell he is obviously devastated by missing Lee….and by the way….where the hell was Lee going in the middle of the show?
Benny just shrugs as the action continues in the ring where a distracted ICON Champion is taking a beating from a Hall of Fame ICON.
Present in Shane Reynolds’ corner, Crow watches closely as Plow takes an early onslaught from Shane; a series of strikes and kicks before being Snap Suplexed into a pin with a Bridge. Quickly, Plow kicks out after a one count, forcing Reynolds to keeps the pressure on as only the Hall of Famer knows he can. After engaging in a collar-and-elbow tie up, Shane whips ChristPlow into the ropes and greets him with a Dragonscrew Leg Whip upon his return, forcing the ICON champion to the mat where Shane scurries to apply a headlock.
Joe Hoffman: Reynolds slowing things down in an effort to weaken his opponent.
After securing the hold, Shane is quick to realize the strength of Mike Plow, who powers himself and his opponent to their feet and fights out of the submission with a series of elbows to the mid-section. Doubled over, Shane notices ChristPlow charging at him with a Flying Cross Body, but catches him in mid-air and reverses the move into a slam of his own. Again, Shane goes for the pin, looking to keep as much pressure on his opponent as possible, but Plow kicks out again, this time after 2.
Joe Hoffman: Another near fall there by Reynolds, who is proving yet again that he hasn’t lost a step despite a several month absence. He appears to be in top form tonight against the ICON champion.
Benny Newell: Psssht! Fuck that bondage-loving, face-paint wearing Zombie! ChristPlow is just toying with him. You know, letting him think he’s got the edge… besides he has the GOD of HOW..Lee Best on his side…and as a loving parent..
Unsure of his proclamation, Benny watches as Reynolds keeps Plow grounded. Unfortunately for Shane, ChristPlow lifts a knee before he can do any further damage; one that connects perfectly with his groin and drops him to his knees in pain.
Benny Newell: I told you! I fucking told you!
Ignoring the warning from Joel Hortega, ChristPlow flies off the ropes and nearly decapitates Reynolds with a Lariat, flattening him to his back. This allows the ICON champion enough time to ascend the turnbuckle; the crowd booing him feverishly as Crow looks on in disdain.
Joe Hoffman: ChristPlow going high risk!
Benny Newell: NO!
Joe Hoffman: Nobody home!
The crowd pops as Reynolds evades the Leaping Frog Splash and hooks Plow’s leg for the pin.
Joe Hoffman: Shane with his third pin fall attempt of this match! ONE! TWO!!
Benny Newell: KICKOUT! See Joe, I told you! That’s the Almighty Jeebus doin’ work right there!
Whatever the case, Reynolds and ChristPlow make it back to their feet; Plow on the defense now with the momentum shift in the match. Luckily for him, Shane attempts to trade Knife Edge Chops in the corner. Quickly, Reynolds learns that Plow’s are a bit more effective as he’s backed down into the turnbuckle. With his opponent now trapped, ChristPlow drives his shoulder into the mid-section of Shane Reynolds. Again, this forces Shane to his knees out of pain where he tries to fend off Plow’s knee strikes, but is largely unsuccessful.
Joe Hoffman: ChristPlow has taken firm control of this match!
Leavin Shane to recover on the canvas, ChristPlow signals for his ‘Christ Effect’ finisher, specifically in the direction of Crow – the #1 Contender to his ICON title. Known for his short fuse, it doesn’t take long before Crow hops onto the apron from the outside. With Plow intentionally taunting him, he tries to enter the ring but is surprisingly and immediately cut off by referee Joel Hortega.
Benny Newell: Yes! Reynolds is fucked now!
With Hortega’s attention diverted to Crow, Plow takes advantage of the distraction by leveling his opponent with a kick to the face. Rolling to his back, Shane shrieks out in pain as ChristPlow stomps menacingly on his testicles. Smirking, Plow does this again… and again… and again… until Crow furiously hops down from the apron.
Joe Hoffman: OUCH!
Benny Newell: I hope Shane wasn’t planning on having any more kids… not like a bitch in her right mind would ever fuck the guy in the first place.
Joe Hoffman: Respect, Benny! Why don’t you learn what it means?!
Favoring his privates, tries rolling out of the ring near to where Crow is stationed; hopeful that his presence and support will give him enough time to recover. Unfortunately, MPlow prevents this from happening and drags Shane back into the center of the ring. With his foot still in his grasp, Mike quickly drops an elbow across the out-stretched leg of Reynolds, who cringes from the constant targeting of that area.
Joe Hoffman: Shane Reynolds is in a bad spot here. He needs to do something and do it fast before it’s too late. ChristPlow is the ICON champion for a reason, folks. Fighting him is no easy task.
Benny Newell: Like you would know…
Perhaps feeling the desperation, Shane musters up everything that he has left to come to his feet, using the ropes to guide him in the process as MPlow arrogantly celebrates. Again, Plow calls for his ‘Christ Effect’ finisher, but turns to find Reynolds back on his feet.
Joe Hoffman: Double Knee Facebreaker by Reynolds!
The modified Codebreaker-like maneuver plants ChristPlow to the mat as the cheers rain out for Shane, who struggles mightily to catch his breath.
Benny Newell: Get up, ChristPlow! Do it for the People of Nazareth!
With Shane coming back to his feet, Plow lashes forward to try to do the same, but fails thanks to the impact of the Facebreaker. Stumbling about, Shane feeds off the crowd and the encouragement from Crow and before long, has the ICON champion locked in his submission finisher.
Joe Hoffman: Shane’s got him! ‘Broken Wing’! ‘Broken Wing’! Can ChristPlow hold on?!?!
Joe Hoffman: NO! He taps out! He taps out!
Bryan McVay: Here is your winner by way of submission in 11:22… SHANE REYNOLDS!!!
Benny Newell: Son-of-a-bitch! Quick Joe, pour me a drink before I end up turning Emo!
Releasing the ICON champion, Shane Reynolds slumps forward out of exhaustion; thankful that Crow is there to catch him after a tough match against ChristPlow.
Action cuts elsewhere as we see ChristPlow quickly roll out of the ring and head up the ramp, obviously not even caring bout the loss but is dead set on getting out of the Coliseum as fast as possible.
Shifting the Momentum
The HOTv comes to life showcasing the former HOW General Manager Simon Sparrow who is wearing a white baseball jersey with blue trim. The front of the jersey has the word “S.C.A.T.” emblazoned on it in blue lettering with orange trim. He stands backstage in his locker room.
Simon Sparrow: Last week, I made an announcement, an announcement that your King of Grapple from the Big Apple—
Louis the Little Person (Off Camera): YOU FUCKING LIVE IN GEORGIA!!!
Simon Sparrow turns to his left.
Simon Sparrow: Temporarily!!! I am planning to move, okay???
Simon Sparrow turns back to the camera.
Simon Sparrow: My apologies, where was I?…Ah yes…I made the announcement last week that I intended to use my guaranteed championship contract against the HOW Champion, Wolfgang Quittingpants. An announcement so great…so huge….so immense…..that it was met with indifference and apathy. It proved to me that no one cares about the prospect of me becoming the HOW Champion.
Simon Sparrow lets out a small chuckle as he shakes his head and looks down at the floor. After a moment, Sparrow looks back up into the camera.
Simon Sparrow: I bet if I had come out and announced the return of Jatt Starr everyone would rejoicing and planning parades. But no…I make my purpose known and what do I hear all week? “Assy McLlama is retiring”! “Wolfgang Poopypants is leaving the HOW! Oh, the humanity”!
Louis the Little Person (O.C.): Aceldama is sauerkraut chomping, turtle fucking, pussy ass bitch!
Simon Sparrow takes a deep breath and ignores Louis the Little Person’s commentary.
Simon Sparrow: Anyway…tonight, I had every intention of proclaiming that next week it would Simon Sparrow versus Wolfgang Wettingpants for the HOW Championship!!!
Simon Sparrow pauses as the sound of the fans cheering for the possibility of a “March to Glory” rematch with the title on the line.
Simon Sparrow: But I’m not going to do that. Granted, the fans deserve to see that match. The fans deserve it. But after the disrespect I have received from certain individuals, I think I’m just going to hold on to the contract just a little bit longer. But I make this guarantee, the fate of this contract and the HOW Championship WILL BE REVEALED…..next week.
Simon Sparrow takes several steps to his left as the camera follows him. He stops and looks back into the camera.
Simon Sparrow: But tonight, it begins. The end of Wolfgang Grannypanties dominance. Tonight the momentum shifts. Justin Decent, a worthy competitor? Indeed. A warped, delusional tool? Of course. But there is one fact that remains, he has never defeated me. I, on the other hand, am responsible for putting his undefeated streak to an end. Wolfgang Loaded-Diaper? Similar story. He was the favorite going into “March to Glory” and I made him tap the flip out!
The cheers of the HOW fans are heard once again as Simon Sparrow clearly states the truth,
Simon Sparrow: Tonight, Lee Best has deemed it necessary to place me into a tag team match with two men who are aching to defeat me. Who does he place as my tag team partner? Vanilla Ice. Okay, okay…Mark O’Neal is a Hall of Famer and he does have a War Games win under his belt AND he is on Team SCAT at War Games so I shouldn’t mock him too much. But with two Hall of Famers in one match….one thing is inevitable….
Simon Sparrow smirks during his little dramatic pause.
Simon Sparrow: Tonight, the momentum shifts away from Wolfgang Llamalicker to Simon Sparrow! I have made it abundantly clear…so much so that a brainless thug like our HOW Champion could comprehend it….that when it comes to both the HOW and in life, I am infinitely superior. So much so that I have invited a few special guests to watch me become victorious tonight!
Simon Sparrow walks over to his left revealing Louis the Little Person (wearing a matching “SCAT” baseball jersey) sitting on brown leather couch. Standing next to the couch wearing a long flowing pink skirt and white short sleeve blouse is Simon Sparrow’s raven-haired wife, Bethany. She is holding their son Anakin, who is wearing blue denim coveralls with a striped shirt underneath and blue Velcro sneakers.
Bethany: Simon, I don’t think this is—
Simon Sparrow waves off his clearly beautiful wife.
Simon Sparrow: You see, when I leave this arena each week, I have a home to go to.
Simon Sparrow walks over next to his wife and child.
Simon Sparrow: I have a son who adores me. A son who brightens my day whenever he smiles at me.
Simon Sparrow kisses the back of his son’s head.
Simon Sparrow: I have a gorgeous wife who loves me.
Bethany: Simon, I really feel like you’re usi—
Simon Sparrow kisses his uncomfortable looking wife passionately as she is holding on to Anakin who is beginning to squirm in her arms. He releases his wife from their embrace and looks back towards the camera.
Simon Sparrow: Wolfgang, what do you have when you go home aside from watching recorded episodes of “Glee”? Do you have the comfort of knowing that no matter how badly you screw up, you have a one year old child that loves you unconditionally? Do you have the comfort of knowing that when you’re on the road you have someone waiting for you when you get home? Someone share your bed with? Someone with whom you could share a romantic moment in front of the fireplace with on a cold winter’s night? Do you?
No, Wolfgang, you don’t. All you have is your hate and your terrorist cause….oh, and that HOW Title. When I defeat you tonight, who will you turn to for support? The Axis of Power? Oh, that’s right, they ditched you like everyone else in you life! Maybe Static? Sorry, it looks like Mr. Belvedere isn’t going to waste time taking your phone calls late at night. What about Justin Decent? I’m pretty sure he’ll be busy having a romantic dinner with his LSD Title or maybe he’ll even be….well, let’s just say whoever beats him for that LSD Title, better get that sucker cleaned.
Sorry Wolfgang, you don’t have anybody. Should I feel pity for you? Should we feel sorry for you? NO! Not at all, because you are nothing more than a sociopathic whack job incapable of love.
Simon Sparrow slaps his wife’s firm buttocks and she lets out a small yelp and slaps him in the shoulder.
Simon Sparrow: OW!
Bethany: Don’t do that to me while we’re on television!
Simon Sparrow: Sorry!
Simon Sparrow rubs his shoulder.
Louis the Little Person: Simon? Are you done with this Adolf Shitler shit? I really need to talk to you about something.
Simon Sparrow turns towards his pint-sized minion sitting on the couch.
Simon Sparrow: I told you we can talk after the show!
Simon Sparrow turns back to the camera, puts his arm around his wife.
Louis the Little Person: Don’t make me beat your fucking ass with a whiffle bat!!!
Simon Sparrow shoots a glare at Louis, who immediately stifles himself. Sparrow turns back to the camera.
Simon Sparrow: Wolfie, one last image I want to burn into your brain….a happy family standing here, smiling, as reminder of something you’ll never have.
Simon Sparrow smiles as his wife, smiles uncomfortably at the prospect of being on display for the world to see, and Anakin who is looking up, mesmerized by the ceiling lights as the scene ends.
Max Kael wanted to make sure this advert followed Sparrows segment so he could have the last word?
HOFC Title Match
Christopher America vs. Carmen Jennings
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back from commercial folks and as you can see one half of the HOW Tag Team champions Carmen Jennings is already in the ring as she attempts to capture her second title here in HOW….there has been a rule change coming on the heels of last weeks HOFC match…there will be countouts now to keep America from exiting the ring and using weapons for tonights match….
Benny Newell: Great move by Lee… America might as well hand it over, that title is as good as her’s
An American flag is shown flowing in the wind against a clear blue sky. The American national anthem begins to play…
A woman begins to sing: “O say, can you see…”
A record scratch is heard as Fort Minor’s “Remember the Name” plays.
Christopher America comes out with his 3/5 title on his shoulder. He holds his arms up and touches the tips of his fingers forming an A. As he does, red, white, and blue sparks rain down. Behind him we see Ethan Cavanagh walk out with the HOFC title in hand. America slides into the ring as Stevens calls for the bell and the Last Man Standing match between America and Jennings is underway. But as the bell is rang America starts to shake his head, seemingly telling Stevens that he will not strike a girl.
Joe Hoffman: Well if America wants to win this match he will have to lay a hand on Carmen.
Benny Newell: I heard Carmen had to lay a few things to get this match.
Joe Hoffman: Oh shut up Benny.
Carmen starts to get annoyed with America’s refusal to fight and drills him with a hard right as America falls to the ground as Stevens starts his ten count as America refuses to get up.
Benny Newell: Is he just going to just give up his title like that?
Joe Hoffman: Well considering Ethan won’t even let him have it, it’s barely really his.
Stevens gets to an eight count before we see Ethan come into the ring and pick America up off his feet, breaking the ten count as Stevens orders Ethan out of the ring.
Joe Hoffman: Oh come on!
Benny Newell: That’s completely legal Joe, nothing Stevens can do about it
America still refusing to strike Carmen as again Carmen attacks America with a boot to the gut and a DDT as America who obviously seems able to get up just lays on the mat as Stevens starts his ten count, this time at 5 Ethan comes into the ring and pulls America to his feet as Stevens this time ejects Ethan Cavanaugh from ringside.
Benny Newell: He can’t do that! Ethan has every right to be at ringside with his property.
Joe Hoffman: Rick Stevens can and he just did. Ethan can watch his property on a TV backstage.
Ethan makes his way backstage as America stands in the corner and continues to shake his head as Carmen charges at him and clotheslines America over the top rope with America landing on his feet, again shaking his head as he starts to back up the entrance way.
Benny Newell: Where the hell does he think he is going?
America starts to briskly walk up the entrance way as Carmen just stands in shock and anger at as he disappears backstage, leaving just Carmen in the ring as Stevens exits the ring and starts to talk with the ring announcer.
Bryan McVay: Ladies and gentlemen, since Christopher America refuses to fight, it has been declared that the winner of this fight is Carmen Jennings, though since the title can no change hands on a countout, STILL your HOW HOFC champion is Christopher America!!!
Joe Hoffman: America refuses to fight and still hangs on to his HOFC title, Cavanaugh will not be happy with this next week.
Benny Newell: This is outrageous! Carmen should be declared the HOFC champion! I demand and recount!
Joe Hoffman: Recounts won’t help, as we are going to head to a commercial break!
Bonus Segment tonight will feature the huge announcement
A Family Affair
*The scene cuts to backstage where Aceldama is getting booted up for his up and coming match, pairing up with Justin Decent against Simon Sparrow and Mark O’Neal. By his side is a bottle of tablets which he takes in his hands and looks at them, removing the cap, then he contemplates it for a moment then stops and puts the cap back on. He pulls out his world title and looks at it for a while, then drapes it around his shoulder. All of a sudden he can hear a noise, a strange sound, like a child yelping. He ignores it and carries on getting ready. Again the sound can be heard, this time a little bit louder, Aceldama turns to his door and notices a small child, just a baby is scampering into the room on all fours, a happy smile on his face, drool dripping from his mouth. Aceldama ignores him at first, then he realises who it is.
It is Anakin Sparrow, the son of Simon Sparrow.
Anakin makes his way up to Aceldama and looks up at him with fascination, outstretching his hand. He seems fascinated by the world title and how it shines in the light of the room. Aceldama continues to ignore him until he proceeds to start tugging at his trousers, Aceldama looks down at the child, who cannot take his eyes of the world title*
Aceldama– A lot like your dad it seems. Eyes fixed on the world title, shame your dad will never hold it. Here….your father may not get close to it, but I see no harm in you getting close.
*Aceldama does the unthinkable and picks up Anakin and presses him close to the belt. The child runs his hands down it*
Aceldama– That’s right. Very nice isn’t it?
*The child doesn’t seem perplexed by being in the arms of a complete stranger, he actually seems rather comfortable as Aceldama looks at the child with confused eyes*
Aceldama– You definitely don’t look like your father, you show no fear, unlike your dad. Maybe I can tell you of a time when your dad was a great in this building, those days have passed. Soon I will bring your daddy home for good; he will get to see you grow up properly. Because I am going to end his career. I hope you don’t get mad at me Anakin; it is something I just need to do. You see, your dad plans on wrecking my last moments in this federation, and I cannot let that happen. You will thank me when you are older though, having your dad back full time. I am saving him from himself, like me he can leave with his legacy left intact, back to the time when he was the great Jatt Starr.
*Aceldama has that sickly look about him as he glances into the unsuspecting child’s eyes as he glances about the room.*
Aceldama– But still…..you’re the child of Simon Sparrow…..
*Just when you think Aceldama is about to something unimaginable to the child, Anakin turns around and gives a playful smile and grabs Aceldama’s nose, laughing as he does. All of a sudden, the mood of Aceldama changes, he actually smiles back at the child as the two exchange glances. Aceldama leans down with the child in his arms and grabs the tablets and begins to shake the bottle in front of him, it brings a loud shriek of laughter from him*
Aceldama– I suppose your mother will be looking for you, your father will obviously be busy focusing on how on earth he is going to make lightning strike twice.
*Holding the child firmly Aceldama leaves the room and begins to walk down the corridor, all the while Anakin shouting and screaming playfully. All of a sudden we see Bethany, Sparrow’s wife and Anakin’s mother standing at the bottom of the corridor looking distraught speaking to a security guard, who in turn is speaking into a radio, she seems to be describing Anakin. She turns to see Aceldama approaching her, with Anakin his arms. She turns quickly around and charges towards Aceldama, screaming as she does*
Bethany– Get your hands off my son you monster!
Aceldama– Calm down, I mean no harm, he came into my room, must have saw the reflection of the title belt. Time go to back to your mum Anakin.
*As Aceldama tries to pull Anakin away Anakin shakes his head from side to side and holds onto the jumpsuit of Aceldama as if he does not want to go away*
Anakin– No…..no no no!!
Aceldama– Come on Anakin, your mother sees me as a monster; don’t want to be hanging around people like me.
Bethany– That might have been a little harsh, but you are trying to end my husband’s career.
Aceldama- And your husband would try to end mine if I wasn’t ending it at my own accord, but he still wants to ruin my last moments here. Trust me; it is a personal thing between me and him that we can sort out in the professional confines of a ring, where it should be. I am no monster Bethany, just the way people would have you believe I am.
*Bethany takes a good long look at Aceldama as he plays with Anakin, waving the world title belt in front of him*
Bethany– To be honest, I don’t really see you as a monster. He seems to like you, and he is good at picking out bad people.
Aceldama– And I like him too; he’s a free spirit alright.
Bethany– All that stuff you said, about ending Simon’s career, did you mean it?
Aceldama– As I said before, Simon is hell bent on ruining my last moments here. He will stop at nothing to do it too, even involving you in the fray against me….
Bethany– I wish he never did that….
Aceldama- He should never have asked that from you, you definitely deserve better than that.
Bethany– I mean, having us parading on camera, I felt like a circus act! And all to prove a point to you, I found it very mean. You never had a family of your own? Someone you loved?
Aceldama– My mother died in giving birth to me and my father I never knew until last year, he died shortly after. There was someone, a long time ago…..but she is gone now.
Bethany– I am sorry to hear that. As I said before I am sorry for what my husband did, that was totally uncalled for.
Aceldama– You don’t have to be sorry for him, he is his own man, in these walls he is probably a totally different person.
Bethany– It’s like I don’t even know him sometimes.
Aceldama– These walls can do that to you.
Bethany– Well I must be going, Simon will probably be looking for me, he has no idea Anakin wandered off. Please promise me that you will take it easy on my husband.
Aceldama– I am sorry but that is a promise I cannot keep. In this profession you have to understand injuries can happen, and your husband will not be holding back I assure you, even if you did tell him too. But I promise to you, you and your son will not be harmed by me….quite warmed to the little fellow, come on Anakin, NOW its time to go.
*Aceldama is able to wriggle Anakin free from him and he hands him over to his mother who takes him in his arms, but he is struggling to get back to Aceldama, his hands outstretched, as he says something rather odd*
Anakin– Da da, da da!!
Bethany– No Anakin, that is not daddy. We have to go see daddy now, if he knew what you been up to he would be very mad. Thanks for finding him.
Aceldama– Don’t mention it…..he found me.
*Aceldama turns around and walks away but stops as Bethany calls him back, he turns around*
Bethany– Good luck tonight, take care.
Aceldama– Thank you
*Aceldama proceeds to turn around as Bethany stands at the end of the corridor staring at the world champion as he makes his way down to the ring. She gives a smile as she watches him leave out of sight as Anakin still watches Aceldama leave, his arms outstretched. When Aceldama leaves his sight he suddenly begins to cry as Bethany tries to calm him down*
WAR GAMES MATCH
Aceldama, Justin Decent, David Black , Shane Reynolds and ?? vs. Simon Sparrow, Max Kael, Mark O’Neal, ChristPlow and ??
SEX N VIOLENCE MATCH
Carmen Jennings vs. Static
An Explosive Start to the Match
Joe Hoffman – “Now it is time for the first ever rap performance, live here in HOW. For some reason I do just not understand why Lee has allowed this to go on.”
Benny Newell – “All I know is Mark promised hot women, and I am looking forward to their performance.”
Joe Hoffman – “Well, it looks like the show is about to start.”
Mark “The Explosive” O’Neal emerges from the backstage area with his head pointed down to the floor. He is wearing a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood over his head, and baggy basketball shorts. On the front of the hoody it reads “Official Explosive Records Groupie.” On the back it reads “I want to feel the explosion.” Mark lifts his head up and raises his arms, microphone in one hand as the fans actually cheer in anticipation of this performance.
Mark makes his way toward the ring, but then stops as he sees a fan sign that reads “I want Christ to Plow Me.” Mark walks over to the very attractive woman that is holding this sign up and says something in her ear. She instantly rips the sign in half and throws it on the ground. Mark smiles, then takes his sweater off and hands the official groupie sweater to the woman, exposing the black wife beater he was wearing under it.
Mark O’Neal – “What is up H-O-W.”
The crowd reacts positively, yelling and screaming now.
Mark O’Neal – “So, I was originally planning for a big song and dance routine. A lot of special effects for my new single. Lots of hot women dancing around almost naked, but instead I decided to ditch that idea. I realized I needed to focus on my in-ring skills, and not my rap career, as it is a mere hobby for me.”
The fans boo at the mention of no almost naked women. By this time Mark has made his way to the ring, and jumps inside of it.
Benny Newell – “No half naked women, what kind of rap performance is this? I need a drink.”
Mark O’Neal – “But let me bring out the group who is featured on this track with me, none other than Chicago’s own Do or Die!!”
The crowd yells for the hometown group, who have ringside seats, and hop over the guard rail and into the ring. They all shake hands and wave to the crowd as they get handed microphones.
Mark O’Neal – “Alright DJ, hit the beat.”
Joe Hoffman – “Here we go, the performance of Mark’s first rap single, looks like it is called…is this really the name?”
Benny Newell – “That’s what it says Joe, Bitch Get In Line.”
As Mark and Do or Die seem to get impatient and lift their arms up at each other as the music is not coming on. Then all of a sudden they all smile and point towards the entry way.
Mark O’Neal – “I’m just messing with you all, you know we had to bring the half naked women!”
The crowd starts going crazy as eight curvaceous women emerge from the entrance way and head towards the ring wearing nothing but body paint!
Benny Newell – “Now that is what I am talking about!”
Joe Hoffman – “This is horrific. Those women have no clothing on. There are kids that watch this program. This needs to be stopped.”
Benny Newell – “Oh my god, they all have hard nipples. This is awesome.”
Joe Hoffman – “That’s because they are all fake.”
The women walk down towards the ring area, flanked by numerous security guards who are there to prevent groping from excited fans. Four of them get into the ring and the other four remain on the outside, one on each side of the ring.
Right as they take their positions the beat of the song begins playing and all of the girls instantly start dancing. Do or Die starts moving their heads to the beat as Mark starts jumping up and down as the four girls in the ring start dancing around them.
Mark O’Neal – “Alright everybody, I know you are feeling this beat, now let me let you all in on the chorus so you can sing it along with me when I get to it.”
Mark continues jumping up and down slightly and starts swinging his right arm violently in front of him as if he was slapping somebody as he starts to rap the chorus.
Bitch Get In Line…Bitch Get In Line..
Bitch Get In Line…Bitch Get In Line..
Bitch Get In Line…Bitch Get In Line..
Ya I ain’t got time for you if you rude.
Ain’t got time for you if you’s a prude
Ain’t got time for you if you in a bad mood.
Bitch Get In Line…Bitch Get In Line..
Bitch Get In Line…Bitch Get In Line..
Bitch Get In Line…Bitch Get In Line..
The crowd starts chanting the words “Bitch Get In Line” along with Mark as he is hyped up, continuing to violently swing his arm when one of the dancers decides it would be a good time to dance on Mark while he is rapping, and he inadvertently slaps her in the face with his violent arm movement as she dances on him. She instantly falls to the ground.
The crowd begins Ooohing and Awwing as the girl clutches her face on the ring. Everybody stops what they are doing and the music cuts off.
Joe Hoffman – “Wow, Mark O’Neal just slapped that young woman in the ring and she is down for the count.”
Benny Newell – “He just told that bitch to get in line didn’t he Joe.”
Joe Hoffman – “That is somebody’s daughter Benny.”
Benny Newell – “Yeah, I bet her mom is hot too.”
Mark looks down at the girl he just hit for a second, then looks up and motions with his hand to keep rolling and music hits again. Mark points at the girl and continues rapping his chorus.
Bitch Get In Line…Bitch Get In Line..
Bitch Get In Line…Bitch Get In Line..
Bitch Get In Line…Bitch Get In Line..
Mark O’Neal – “Okay, I think you guys got the chorus down. I just put this bitch in line, and she knows better now. Now let’s do this, DJ take it from the top. HOW, you are about to witness history, a live performance of my new hit single, BITCH GET IN LINE!”
The music starts over and the beat begins playing, but after about ten seconds it cuts off.
Mark O’Neal – “What the fuck? Where is the music?”
All of a sudden the lights turn off in the arena. All that can be heard is the light rumble of the crowd chatter .
Benny Newell – “What the hell is going on, this was just about to get good.”
The silence is broken by three loud crashes. It is then followed by the sound of one, very loud crash.
Joe Hoffman – “That didn’t sound good.”
The lights come back on and the three members of Do or Die are laid out in the ring. Justin Decent can be seen standing in the ring over a downed Mark O’Neal, clutching a steel chair that is bent out of shape. He tosses it to the mat and grins as the dancers in the ring start freaking out and scramble out of the ring screaming.
Benny Newell – “Oh great, not this asshole! He’s chasing off the eye candy!”
Justin Decent slaps one of the dancers on her ass as she frantically crawls out of the ring. After his blatant display of perversion, he turns his attention back to a sprawled out Mark O’Neal. He lifts up O’Neal, positions him accordingly and executes his finisher The Reverse Edge, leaving Mark O’Neal laid out in the ring.
Simon Sparrow & Mark “The Explosive” O’Neal vs. Justin Decent & Aceldama
Tag Team Match
Joe Hoffman: And here comes the cavalry!
Charging down the ramp, Simon Sparrow rushes the ring; Louis the Little Person following behind as fast as his miniature legs will allow. Simon immediately goes for Decent, who greets the Hall of Famer and the man that knocked him out of the Invitational with a stiff Clothesline. As Sparrow falls to the canvas, O’Neal staggers up and tackles the LSD champion before any further damage is done. Fortunately for Justin, Aceldama is there to make the save to prevent O’Neal from applying a Half-Crab submission.
Joe Hoffman: The World Champion! We’ve got an all-out brawl on our hands now, Benny! … Benny?
Benny Newell: BLARRRRGHHH!!! … Ugh, I think all those shots just caught up to me.
Joe Hoffman: Clean up on aisle BarfPlow!
With Mark O’Neal and Aceldama now brawling the ring, referee Matt Boettcher calls for the bell and deems them the legal men; forcing Sparrow and Justin Decent to their respective corners.
Joe Hoffman: Well, Mark O’Neal officially starts this match with the upper-hand… NO! Devastating head-butt by Aceldama sends the Hall of Famer down hard! That’ll give him something to rap about!
Benny Newell: Shut the fuck up, Joe. You want me to wipe up my puke on that nice suit of yours?
Joe Hoffman: Ugh… thanks, but I’ll pass.
Benny Newell: Then knock it off with your stupid-ass comments! Oh, fuck… BLARRRRGHHH!!!
Luckily, Benny turns away in time but projects his vomit over an attractive-looking 20-something sitting behind him in the first row. Mortified, she slaps any remains right out from Benny’s mouth as Joe turns his head and focuses back on the match.
After a quick, but necessary breather – signs of an aging World champion – Aceldama is back on the attack in gripping the throat of Mark O’Neal.
Joe Hoffman: Chokeslam-NO! O’Neal slips behind!
Quick in his evasion, Mark reaches around the waist of Aceldama and connects with a Sidewalk Slam!
Joe Hoffman: Hook of the leg! One! T-! No, kick out! Aceldama will not go down that easy!
Back to his feet, O’Neal drags Aceldama by the hair to his corner, where he tags the War Games captain of Team Best, Simon Sparrow. Stepping through the ropes, Sparrow boots the exposed kidneys of Aceldama as O’Neal exits the ring having successfully provided the opening.
Joe Hoffman: Great display of teamwork here by the Team Best teammates. As proven in year’s past, unity can go a long way in the War Games match.
Giddy that his Simon is getting his licks in on Aceldama, Louis the Little Person cheers on from the outside, shouting obscenities at the World champion while Sparrow calculates his attack. A series of arm wrenches and torques causes Aceldama to grimace, but the strength of the World champion proves its worth as he overpowers Simon with similar moves of his own before using his ‘Rag Doll’ to toss him violently across the ring. Sparrow tries to stand up, but is sent right back down to the mat after a Big Boot from Ace. A bit winded, the World champion takes the opportunity to tag in Justin Decent, who flips himself over the top rope and onto Sparrow with a connecting Leg Drop!
Joe Hoffman: One! Two!!
Benny Newell: Fuck no! Jatt kicks out! Wait… is that Jatt? I think it’s Jatt. Hold on. The fuck’s his name again, Joe?
Joe Hoffman: Simon Sparrow.
Benny Newell: Ah, that’s right! No offense to Jatt… err, Simon… err, whatever the fuck his name is, but that’s the gayest fucking name I’ve ever heard of in my – BLARRRRGHHH!!!
Sadly, Benny excuses himself as his vomit count reaches 3. Disgusted with the taste in his mouth, he takes to his bottle of Jack as he stumbles up the entrance ramp, puking with every swig that he takes until he finally falls through and disappears behind the curtain.
Joe Hoffman: My apologies for the interruption, Ladies and Gentlemen… ah, who am I kidding? You’re all used to it by now anyway! Anyways, we’ve got ourselves a fine Main Event going on for you here on Tumoil…
Now flying solo, Joe reverts back to the action as Decent measures his opponent. With Aceldama’s guidance from his corner, Justin works Sparrow over for a good 3 minutes before he finds himself with another opportunity to end the match for his team.
Joe Hoffman: Decent Irish whips him into the turnbuckle – Sparrow connecting hard, but still on his feet – OH! RUNNING BULLDOG! Right back into the turnbuckle!
Pleased with Sparrow’s misfortune, Santoro cheers his friend from the outside as he hooks the leg of Sparrow yet again.
Joe Hoffman: One! Twoooooo-NO! Sparrow barely kicked out!
Holding two fingers into the air, Boettcher makes it known to everyone in the arena that Sparrow’s resolve and determination allowed this match to continue. Despite this, a scowl forms across the face of Louis the Little Person, who slips under the ring and emerges from the opposite side carrying a whiffle ball bat in his hand. Unhappy with Santoro’s taunting, Louis sneaks up from behind and thwacks him in the back of his ass.
Joe Hoffman: Louis swinging for the fences on the outside… and Santoro is none too placed.
As a tag is made to Aceldama in the ring, Santoro and Louis the Little Person begin arguing on the outside; the fans at ringside laughing at the ridiculousness of the two.
Joe Hoffman: Uh… catfight?
Alluding to the nonsensical slap-fest that Santoro and Louis have since engaged in, Joe is speechless as a mob of referees and security guards appear to separate the two. Before long, Santoro and Louis the Little Person are both escorted from ringside, leaving the four Main Event superstars with no distractions but their own.
Joe Hoffman: Aceldama now, working the back of Simon Sparrow with a series of forearm shots.
Desperate for a tag, Sparrow reaches out to his corner where Mark O’Neal is extending his arm for the tag from all the way across the ring. Smart as he is physical, Aceldama knows better than to allow his nemesis any option for a tag as he lifts Sparrow into the air and gores him into the turnbuckle near Justin Decent.
Joe Hoffman: FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL! Tag is made! The LSD champion going high-risk!!!
As Aceldama steps out from the ring, Decent climbs the ropes behind Sparrow and reaches down for his head, attempting to secure it in his grasp before lunging forward with a Top-Rope Rolling Stunner.
Joe Hoffman: Sparrow escapes!
Gripping with all of his might onto the ropes, Sparrow watches as Decent leaps off the top rope, landing hard on his back in the center of the ring. In disbelief, Aceldama catches an elbow from Simon Sparrow that sends him off the apron long enough for Simon to make the hot-tag out of desperation!
Joe Hoffman: Tag to Mark O’Neal!
Stomping away at the man he nearly defeated for the LSD title a few weeks ago, O’Neal uses the momentum shift to set Justin up for his Jacknife Powerbomb finisher.
Joe Hoffman: We could see a ‘Time Bomb’ here, folks!
Suddenly, Aceldama charges the ring and hits a Big Boot to O’Neal, forcing the ‘Explosive One’ to release Justin Decent out of his grasp. Boettcher reprimands the World champion for making the save, but Aceldama reverts back to his corner as he sees that Decent is coherent enough to make the tag. With Sparrow slumping over the ropes in calling for his own tag, it becomes a race to see who can make one first as the tension rises in the Kallisten Coliseum.
Joe Hoffman: Decent with the tag! The World Champion is back in!
Smirking evilly with intent to end this match, Aceldama stops O’Neal short of making the tag to Simon Sparrow and tosses him into his tag team partner; knocking Sparrow off from the apron in the process.
Joe Hoffman: Uh-oh! Ace is looking for the Dreamcatcher on Mark O’Neal! Lookout!
With the help of Justin Decent – who brawls with Sparrow on the outside – Aceldama applies his Inverted Camel Clutch submission with a Double Fish Hook on O’Neal, torturing his opponent until Mark is left with no other choice but to tap out.
Bryan McVay: Here are your winners by way of submission in 14:49… ACELDAMA… and JUSTIN DECENT!!!
The fans in the arena actually begin booing the result and as Turmoil comes to an end we see Aceldama with his arm raised high in the air as he stands over O’Neal who is writhing in pain on the canvas.
We see a black hummer limo coming to a stop in an undisclosed location. The back door opens and suddenly we see Lee Best step out and walk quickly into a beat down station wagon parked nearby. Lee gets into the passenger seat and looks over at the driver who has a hood over his face.
Hooded Man: So whats the reasoning behind this Lee…
Lee Best: Look I had to tell you in person cause quite frankly I don’t trust anyone or any form of communication…I had to keep this secret.
Hooded Man: I am already holding enough of your secrets and quite frankly I don’t have time for..
Lee Best: Hall of Fame….
The hooded man stops midsentence and turns towards Lee.
Lee Best: That’s right….I am inducting someone you are really close with into the Hall of Fame but god knows we cant have you live in the arena….so set up a damn feed wherever the hell you are hiding out and make sure he is there and ready to go on Monday.
Hooded Man: You serious?
Lee Best: I am dead serious….Rob Michaels is going into the HOW Hall of Fame on Monday as a contributor to the company and to celebrate his HOF status I am making sure all these idiots in the company are on point with their promos this week and I am going to allow them to earn some extra credit points with the most creative destruction of the ….this…
Lee reaches into his jacket and pulls out his phone and shows the man a picture of a wall with the “4TH” spray painted on it.
Lee Best: That’s right for one week only I am going to allow and encourage the destruction of this holy wall….so let him know and make it happen….cool?
The man reveals his hood and smiles as he reveals himself to be none other than Michael DeNucci.
DeNucci: Very cool…
Lee smiles and exits the car and the station wagon quickly pulls away and we see a final image of DeNucci attempting to pop his collar but failing to do so and instead pulls the hood back over his face as Lee just shakes his head as he gets back into his limo.
END OF TRANSMISSION
On Monday Rob Michaels joins Mark O’Neal, Narcotic, Lynx, Kostoff, Kael, Graystone, Shane Reynolds, Carey, Darkwing, Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell in the HOW Hall of Fame…tune in this Monday on a very special Mayhem to see this live!!