Opening Night Friday
January 1st, 2010 – #HOW99
Kallisten Coliseum, Chicago, IL
The Kallisten Coliseum
The HOTv logo gives way and the feed goes live as we see an aerial view of the former Best Arena from high above.
The parking lot is only about half full and we can see a red carpet lining the sidewalk leading to an entrance of the arena.
The feed then cuts to a hard cameraman on the ground who literally walks down the red carpet and pans left and right to showcase the several news reporters who are all bundled up in their warmest clothes for this big event…an event taking place in the sub zero temperature conditions here in Chicago.
It’s the night that everyone has been waiting for the reopening and renaming of the Best Arena. It has been in the works every since Erites Kallisten made a rather large donation. During the Holiday break a lot of work has gone on inside the Arena and tonight the unveiling is ready.
The action cuts to the parking lot where the end of the red carpet is and almost all the arrivals were made earlier tonight. There was supposed to be a big red carpet special leading up to the one match show tonight, but because of the frigid weather Mike Best made the call to bring everyone inside and save just a few special arrivals for the live part of the show.
It is time for one of those arrivals now..
The cameras turn towards a large black hummer pulling up to the parking lot and the fans that are still outside, specifically for this moment, turn quickly and as the hummer parks we are joined by the newly inducted Hall of Fame announce team of Joe Hoffman and Big Buff Benny Newell.
Joe Hoffman: Welcome everyone to our special hour long special show tonight and more importantly…Happy New Year!! I am Joe Hoffman and as always I am joined by Big Buff..
Benny Newell: Ahem…you mean Hall of Famer Big Buff Benny Newell and thank fucking god we are inside watching this cause its fucking cold out and I have a big ass headache…only Mike Best would plan a damn show the day after New Years Eve..
Joe Hoffman: Folks you will have to excuse Benny who is just a little hung-over I would guess? Anyway I believe someone is getting out of the hummer…
The cameras zoom in on a few of the fans who start to point in the direction of the Best Hummer that is now having its back door opened by the driver and we see none other than Erites Kallisten step out from the limo with a huge smile on her face.
All eyes are on her and she’s taking in all this attention. As reporters and paparazzi vie for her attention the roar of a High Performance 350 engine drowns out all of the sounds. Erites looks as if she doesn’t know whether to get out of her Hummer or back into it as a Black ’72 Nova revs it’s engine about 50 feet behind her.
The driver floors it, redlining the engine. With the flashbulbs bursting and everyone’s cell phone pointed at it, the Nova plows hard into the Hummer, shoving it about six feet.
Joe Hoffman: OH MY GOD!!!
Dressed all in black, including a crash helmet, the driver comes around the front of the Hummer and Bitch Kicks Erites right in the face. That kick can only belong to one person and everyone knows it’s a highly pissed off Hellcat. She mounts Erites and continues to punch her in the face, as Erites tries to shield her face from the forceful punches.
Getting up she begins to stomp away at her face with her heavy boots. Moving down onto her mid section and just stomps away as Erites screams out in pain. Security finally arrive and tackles Kirsta
to the ground as paramedics arrive to assist the semi-conscience Kallisten. Kirsta low blows the security and breaks away, again stomping into the face of Erites, pulling her back up by her hair and slamming her fist into her face.
Kirsta Lewis: YOU STUPID BITCH. You think that was the end of it at Iconic? You think you got the upper hand over me? You think, I’d walk away thinking all of it was a done deal? You’re trash Erites and I’m not done with you until I say I’m done.
She looks up and seeing all the festivities and holds her hands up shaking her head before looking back down at Erites, who now is being placed on a gurney and into the back of an ambulance.
Kirsta Lewis: YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG BITCH EVELYN. ALL THIS IS BECAUSE OF ME. YOUR BIG WIN MEANS NOTHING. THIS FUCKING COLLISIUM AND HOW IT IS BEING RENAMED AFTER YOU, IT ALL IS BECAUSE OF ME YOU GOLD DIGGING BITCH. THAT MONEY WAS MY FUCKING MONEY THAT YOU SCAMED FROM ME.THEN SNEAKING IN HERE AND PULLING THIS SHIT. I’M GONNA BURY YOU EVELYN. PLAY YOUR GAMES BUT YOU’RE PLAYING A DEADLY GAME AND YOU’RE PLAYING GAMES WITH THE DEVIL AND IT’S NOW TIME TO PAY UP. WATCH YOUR BACK BECAUSE I PROMISE IT IS FAR FROM OVER.
Joe Hoffman: I can’t believe what we are seeing here. Let’s break to Commercial and try to restore some order here.
Benny Newell: Well at least I am not the only one with a headache….tell me the next sponsor is my Tylenol spot??
Joe can only sigh as the action cuts to a commercial as we see Erites being loaded into the back of an ambulance.
Hall of Famer Benny Newell uses this daily to make it thru the High Octane grind…errr…pains
2010: Year of the Sparrow?
Back live and we are once again outside the Kallisten Coliseum.
The damaged hummer has been loaded onto the back of a tow truck and pulls out just as a limo pulls up.
The limo runs over the license plate of the departing Hummer and the cameraman zooms in as we see BEST N 10 disappear under the front tire of the limo.
The limo stops in front of the waiting Missy Andrews, who still looks smoking hot even in a big fur coat, on the red carpet. The door to the limo opens and exiting the limo is a four foot tall little person wearing a bright green tuxedo. The cameras are flashing as Simon Sparrow follows him out of the limo wearing a black suit, black dress shirt with the top button undone, and carrying a gym bag.
Missy Andrews: Ja—Simon Sparrow, tonight you take on—
Little Person: Hey baby! Down here! What say you and me hop in the back of that limo and have a little one-on-one time…and I don’t mean an interview!
Simon Sparrow: Louis, this is my time!
Missy Andrews: Who is this? Your leprechaun or something?
Louis the Little Person: HEY!!! THIS IS THE ONLY TUXEDO THEY HAD IN MY SIZE, OKAY????
Simon Sparrow: Go on ahead, Louis. I’ll meet you in there.
Louis the Little Person walks down the red carpet towards the entrance.
Missy Andrews: Simon, tonight you take on Chris CK for the briefcase—
Simon Sparrow: No questions! I am going to make two brief statements before I walk into that arena, get changed, and then proceed to annihilate Chris CK in record time for that contract. First of all….HI BETHANY! HI ANAKIN!!! WISH YOU WERE HERE!!!!
Simon Sparrow waves enthusiastically into the camera and then turns back to Missy Andrews.
Simon Sparrow: Secondly, tonight is NOT about Eroticles Callous-toes or whatever her name is getting the arena named for her. Tonight is not a celebration of another year in High Octane Wrestling. Tonight is about one thing and one thing only….DESTINY. As it is my destiny to win the Best Invitational, it is also my destiny to prevent Chris CK from achieving any lasting accomplishment in the HOW. Tonight, a message will be sent. Mike Best, Max Kael, Walrus McPoopypants, Tim Shipley, Lee Best, and everyone else….tonight, all of you will bear witness to the ushering of a new era in the HOW. 2010 will be the year of the Sparrow.
Simon Sparrow turns and walks down the red carpet to the entrance as the action cuts inside to Joe and Benny.
Joe Hoffman: Ok folks welcome back and I have some really sad news to mention before we move any further….gosh can this year start off any worse for the ladies here in HOW?
Benny Newell: Please tell me that Bobbinette Carey is fucking dead….seriously…I will jack off right now if that’s true..
Joe Hoffman: Um….seriously…you still drunk? Why on earth would you say something so stupid? You wish death upon a human being? Maybe you have taken too many vicodin…Tylenol huh??
Benny Newell: Vicodin is the new Tylenol…ask anyone…..but yes I hungover and no I haven’t taken enough vicodin and yes I will literally jack off into my santa hat and put it on that fat fucking kids head in the front row if you tell me Carey is dead..
The feed cuts to the kid Benny is talking about..who promptly flexes his muscles as he sees he is on the big High Octane Vision screen above the entrance ramp.
The feed then cuts back to the announcers where Benny is laughing as Joe remains professional.
Joe Hoffman: Moving on…..what I was trying to report to let all the High Octane Wrestling fans know, is that yes Bobbinette Carey was in a tragic accident over the holiday when she was hit by a drunk driver. The boy driving the car that hit Carey was pronounced dead on the scene and Carey was air lifted from the scene. In what can only be described as a horrific few days for all the families involved, I am happy to announce that Carey is in fact alive….and will live a very long life. Unfortunately it is unknown the extent of her injuries as I have been told that Carey has not regained consciousness and I would like to send my best wishes to her and her family as they go thru this trying time……let this be a lesson to those that drive drunk…you could hurt others more than you hurt yourself every time you decide to get behind a wheel after having even one drink.
Benny Newell: Oh don’t turn this into a fucking Pussies Against Drunk Drivers..or P.A.D.D.-ies as I like to call them…..commercial. Carey was probably all fucked up as well.
Joe Hoffman: You are unbelievable…you know that right? I am disgraced to have gone into the Hall of Fame with you. Folks Carey is alive…and she will be well….that is a fact and do not let Benny’s ignorant comments undermine the serious nature of what happened with Bobbinette Carey.
Benny Newell: Ya ya ya..this is why I drive with my brights on at night when I have been drinking…easier to see those drunk assholes coming at me..
Joe Hoffman: ANYWAY….folks I understand that we are going to the match next as I have just gotten word that Lee Best only has a certain time frame to address the masses and quite frankly I cannot wait to hear what he has to say.
Before Benny can profess more of his man crush for Lee, the HOTv comes alive and the entrances for the special Opening Night match begin..
Simon Sparrow vs. Chris CK
Benny shakes his head as he pours himself a shot of jack and downs it as ”Numbered!” by The Devin Townsend Project starts to plays as the HOW fans erupt in cheers as they see Chris CK make his way out onto the stage.
Bryan McVay: The following match is scheduled for one fall, now making his way to the ring from Toronto Canada and weighing in at 230 pounds….Chris CK!!
Joe Hoffman: CK won this briefcase at the Lethal Lottery in a ladder match about 2 months ago and despite not having to, CK wanted to defend it against the winner of Sparrow vs. Trent at ICONIC….
”Everybody Wants You” by Billy Squire starts to play as the cheers quickly change as the zombie hunter himself Simon Sparrow makes his way out.
Benny Newell: Which was that man, the man that will win again tonight against CK.
Bryan McVay: And his opponent…from Atlanta, Georgia and weighing in at 232 pounds….Simon Sparrow!!
Sparrow makes his way into the ring where Matt Boettcher keeps the two men separated as Sparrow climbs the turnbuckles and looks out at the crowd, likely to make sure there are no zombies nearby.
Joe Hoffman: This should be a great match to start off 2010 and christen the new Kallisten Coliseum.
Benny Newell: If by great you mean Simon crushing CK, then yes.
Boettcher calls for the bell as the first HOW match of the new decade is underway as Sparrow and CK lock up with CK taking control with a knee to the stomach as he goes for a DDT but Sparrow fights it. He battles out of the front face lock and swings around and connects with a quick neckbreaker that lays CK out on the mat.
Joe Hoffman: Nice start for Sparrow as he is staying right on CK.
Sparrow pulls CK up to his feet and goes for a double underhook which he turns into a backbreaker as Sparrow quickly tries to end this match as he goes and locks in his finishing submission move of a Modified Texas Cloverleaf.
Joe Hoffman: Jattaclysm locked in by Sparrow!
Benny Newell: All is left is for CK to tap out like a little bi…
Joe Hoffman: CK is not giving up easily though Benny!
CK is close to the ropes as he is clawing at the mat and pulling himself slowly towards the ropes as he finally get close enough and is just barely able to grab onto them as Boettcher makes Sparrow break the hold which Sparrow won’t do.
Finally Sparrow lets go of the hold to prevent getting disqualified as CK seems to be in a lot of pain from the submission move as Sparrow looks set on finishing CK who starts to pull himself back up to his feet.
Joe Hoffman: The damage has to be done to CK as Sparrow may being looking for the Falling Star here.
Benny Newell: Finish him! …..Ouch my head….
CK is back up to his feet as Sparrow hooks his head and doesn’t go for the Falling Star but instead hits The Singularity on CK as he hooks his leg and goes for the pinfall.
Boettcher calls for the bell as the fans continue to boo for Sparrow who gets up from the mat with a large smile on his face.
Bryan McVay: The winner of this match and the new owner of the contract for a shot at any HOW title…..Simon Sparrow!!!
Joe Hoffman: Sparrow just used Max Kael’s finishing move The Singularity to beat Chris CK.
Benny Newell: What did I say? He crushed CK!
Joe Hoffman: Could Sparrow be sending a message to Max Kael? That maybe Sparrow wants the ICON title?
Benny Newell: Or maybe his message is for you to not talk so damn loud. Christ.
Joe Hoffman: Well either way we still have the unfortunate pleasure of hearing from Lee Best tonight here on Opening Night of the Kallisten Coliseum….so can we get that over with?
The show takes a final commercial break before the big address.
HOW officially joined the Alliance today..
Back live and we see Simon Sparrow standing at the top of the ramp with his little friend Louie and the 8000 fans or so who jumped at the chance to be here for free, courtesy of Mike Best, cheer for the Hall of Famer and Simon gives them a final wave before turning and makes his exit clearly ecstatic at the power he now possesses.
Joe Hoffman: Well that was a lot easier than I expected but what can you do. Ck was replaced by Effing Holmes in the Best Invitational and now he has lost his title shot opportunity and quite frankly I would be surprised to see him on the first Turmoil next Thursday.
Benny Newell: CK is done…finished…move the fuck on.
Joe Hoffman: Before we get to the Best Address as I understand its being labeled, I have another health update and this is one for Erites Kallisten who unfortunately was unable to take part in anything here tonight…which is sad cause this was to be her night and now she is spending it in a hospital bed courtesy of that Hell cat..
Benny Newell: Blah fucking blah…..the update….then can we move on..Its time for Best dammit..
Joe Hoffman: She is fine….is that quick enough for you Benny? She is beat up but she will be fine….Jesus Christ Benny..
Benny Newell: Hall of Famer…save the Jesus Christ part for when they bury my ass in an official High Octane casket.
Joe can only shake his head as “Undead” blasts thru the PA system and the HOTv comes to life and we see a live feed of a jailed Lee Best.
The crowd stands and cheers as the man that technically still owns HOW, stares back at them with a blank look.
He is wearing a orange jumpsuit and he has begun to grow a beard from not shaving.
Joe Hoffman: Boy does he look rough…
The music fades out and the crowd actually starts chanting….
Out from the back, Mike Best appears and the crowd cheers loudly for the man that might one day actually own the company he is running right now….High Octane Wrestling.
Mike walks out and looks up at the HOTv and waves at his brother…who is cursing him but no one can hear the venom coming from Lee’s mouth.
Mike Best: You see Lee is on mute here for a few seconds before he is allowed his three seconds of air time…….yes I said three seconds. You see we worked it out that he would be on the air…which he is right now…for 10 minutes…and he will be…..and I will gladly have the boys in the truck unclick the mute button….once I am done.
Back on the HOTv Lee is just fuming as he has heard what Mike has just said. Luckily for the guards and everyone in Cook County Jail that Lee’s restraints are holding him back.
Mike Best: You see folks on January 14th my brothers trial will begin and we will finally be close to the end of this long journey. A journey that has seen my brother destroy countless lives…all in the name of money and ratings. You see folks I am the opposite of Lee …I am the total opposite.
Mike pauses as he turns his back on his brother and faces the fans…
Mike Best: Where Lee is weak I am strong. Where he is strong..i am weak. Examples you ask? Lee is terrible with money and I am the best when it comes to money and that is why in 2010 all the HOW financial records will be made public each and every week. So all you people that put money into the wrestlers pockets will see how each and every dime in HOW is spent and earned.
Benny Newell: Every dime??? FUCK…
Mike Best: Also in 2010 you will see the emergence of High Octane Wrestling actively working with other wrestling companies…and not trying to destroy them like Lee has done in the past. That is why HOW is part of the WWA and will be there to help each and every other promotion succeed in this crazy business. That is why there are wrestlers from Dream and Defiance wrestling in the Best Invitational and that is why you will see HOW rise to the forefront of professional wrestling…because we will set the example..a good example.
Joe Hoffman: It is just surreal to hear a Best say these things..
Mike Best: One of Lee’s biggest weaknesses was his lack of delegating his power. That is why in 2010 you will see the formation of a High Octane Board of Supervision. This board will help me make the best decisions for everyone that is a part of High Octane Wrestling. This Board will be made up of past and current HOW superstars. They will know whats best for the company and once my brother is found guilty and I assume full ownership of this company….EVERYONE will have a say in the direction of the company..not just me.
The crowd applauds this big decision…
Benny Newell: Wait…hold on….High Octane Board of Supervision….fucking H.O.B.O.S……HAHAHAHAHA DRIIIIINKKK!!!
Joe buries his head into his hands as he tries to block out Benny and focus in on Mike who has turned back towards his brother who is sitting back in his chair and has a look of total defeat across his face.
Mike Best: But I do have my weakness….you see I said I am the total opposite of Lee and that is true. Lee’s strength is his passion and his desire to be the best at everything he does…I however struggle with loving a business that wrecks so many lives. But I feel I can change that and with the help of all the fans and wrestlers in the back, I believe that this company is going to go places that he has never gone before…and with the biggest handicap in the history of professional wrestling…..
The crowd is hanging on every word now as Mike pauses and lowers his mic as he looks up at his brother that he put behind bars…..the camera zooms in and we see a tear flow from the right eye of Mike. He doesn’t even notice it as he raises the mic back up and speaks not to the fans in the Coliseum..or even to the fans watching on HOTv…..he speaks only to Lee now…
Mike Best: Before you get your five seconds Lee I am about to tell you something I have been wanting to say for 31 years……..I am…………..GAY
The crowd goes into a state of shock as Benny spits Jack all over the announce table. The place is buzzing as the HOTv comes alive and we see that Lee is getting his five seconds…
But he doesn’t say a word.
He just hangs his head in complete defeat as the HOTv goes black and the cameras zoom in on Mike who is on his knees crying as the show cuts to an advertisement for the next Turmoil as neither Benny or Joe say anything.
2009 AWARD NOMINEES
Mike Plow– Hostility and Dream Wrestling Federation
Georgie Nickles- Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation, Phoenix Wrestling Revolution, and the Experts
Patrick McCarthy- Simcoe County
Level One- Action Packed Wrestling, Dream Wrestling Federation, and The Experts
Varga- Sin City Championship Wrestling, New Frontier Wrestling
Valora Salinas- Wrestling Midwest
Ryan Strawsma- Empire Pro Wrestling
Ryan Ruckus- Sin City Wrestling
Johnny Serious- Championship Wrestling Organization
Angelica Jones- Global Division of Wrestling
Scarlett Willis- Simcoe County
Andrei Sorokov- Siberian Wrestling
Jackie Sweets- Millenium Wrestling Federation
Sebastian Cross- Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation
‘Extreme Pizza ‘Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin- Political Championship Wrestling, Missouri Valley Wrestling, Dream Wrestling Federation
Mike Logan- Championship Wrestling Organization
Sam X- Siberian Wrestling
Lee Best- High Octane Wrestling
Mike Plow- Hostility and Dream Wrestling Federation
Legion of Dairy- Fans Wrestling Organization
Jay Price- Wrestling Championship Federation
Meagan Collins- Global Division of Wrestling
Druscilla- Wrestling Midwest
Shank- Wrestling Midwest
Hoyt Williams- PRIME
Pat Atoe- Hostility
Max Kael- High Octane Wrestling
Varga- Sin City Championship Wrestling, New Frontier Wrestling
American Panda- New Frontier Wrestling
Hot Dog Mascot- Wrestling Championship Federation
Dorian Wong- Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation
Best Tag Team
Egg Bandits- Dream Wrestling Federation
Vox Nihili- Fans Wrestling Organization
Blitzkrieg Funk- Legacy of Champions, Fans Wrestling Organization
Anthology- Empire Pro Wrestling
Hollywood Wrecking Crew- New Frontier Wrestling
Hawk Henshaw/Latrisha- Phoenix Wrestling Revolution
Wolves of Slaughter- PRIME
‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido/’American Citizen’ Kevin Scott- Political Championship Wrestling
Best Female E-Wrestler
Georgie Nickles- Phoenix Wrestling Revolution, The Experts
Katherine Stryfe- High Impact Wrestling
Miss USA- Dream Wrestling Federation, Missouri Valley Wrestling
Valora Salinas- Wrestling Midwest
Cecile LeCrux- Siberian Wrestling
Glory Braddock- Global Division of Wrestling
Karina Wolfenden- Fans Wrestling Organization
Best Male E-Wrestler
Myke Adams- Simcoe County
Aceldama- High Octane Wrestling
Chester Addison- High Impact Wrestling
Mike Plow- Hostility, Dream Wrestling Federation
Alias- Fans Wrestling Organization
Jason Snow- PRIME
“Triple X” Sean Stevens- Empire Pro Wrestling
E-Wrestler of the Year: (the best of the best)
Alexia- Viking Wrestling Federation
Joe the Plumber- New Frontier Wrestling
Level One- Action Packed Wrestling, Dream Wrestling Federation, and the Experts
Shawn Jessica Hart- Legacy of Champions, Empire Pro Wrestling, A 1 Entertainment
Kirsta Lewis- Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation, Viking Wrestling Federation, Simcoe County, High Octane Wrestling
Keith Scott Zimmerman- Fans Wrestling Organization
Garvin- Wrestling Midwest
Lee Best- High Octane Wrestling
Cory- Simcoe County
Fame and Fortune- Global Division of Wrestling
Tommy Tompkins- Xtreme World Wrestling
Ian Monks- Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation
Ben Halkum- Dream Wrestling Federation
Seth Lerch- Wrestling Championship Federation
Global Division of Wrestling
Dream Wrestling Federation
Xtreme World Wrestling
Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation
High Octane Wrestling
Show of the Year
Global Division of Wrestling Last Respects 2009 (Main Event: Angela Jameson vs. Glory Braddock for the GDW Heavyweight Title) December 2009
XWW Summer Warfare (Nightmare wins three titles including the XWW Heavyweight Title) July 2009
WWR Supershow I (Wrestlers from 11 different federations participate including the WWR’s #1 ranked men’s, women’s, and tag team wrestlers in the same match) August 2009
Evolution Supershow II (A Night of Triple Threat Matches) August 2009
TFWF Death or Glory (Fallen Angel wins the Heavyweight title/Wong vs. Cross in the Main Event) June 2009
High Octane Wrestling War Games (The Final Battle for Control of HOW- Kael vs. Best) June 2009
Experts Rival Factions (Level One vs. Georgie Nickles for the True Expert’s Title) November 2009
TFWF/PWR in Hard Steel: Revolution Rising (a PPV built up in infancy from a heel turn by Brandon Watkins in February to a massive inter fed PPV in September) September 2009
Match of the Year:
Level One vs. Crazyman (The Experts Present Level One vs. Crazyman- May 2009)
Level One vs. Georgie Nickles (Experts Rival Factions- November 2009)
Shawn Jessica Hart vs. Oliver Ranken (Legacy of Champions ‘Ready…Set…Wrestle’ August 2009)
Aimz vs. Wyatt Connors (Sin City Championship Wrestling Equilibrium PPV- September 2009)
Dos Equis vs. Phil Atken vs. Impulse vs. Brock Alyas vs. “Fakepulse” vs. Cameron Cruise (New Frontier Wrestling Sears Tower- March 2009)
Max Danger vs. Kelly Masters (All-Star Wrestling Ultimate Submission Match)- June 2009
Valora Salinas vs. Adam Pyre II (Wrestling Midwest Burn PPV- August 2009)
Max Kael vs. Shane Reynolds (High Octane Wrestling Capitol Punishment- August 2009)
Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell- High Octane Wrestling
Johnny Suave- Political Championship Wrestling
Ryan Antonelli- Simcoe County
P. Lickin’ – Viking Wrestling Federation
Jack Gene and Bill Hughes- Wrestling Midwest
Angle of the Year
Global Division of Wrestling: Sufferage- the battle for control of GDW
Dream Wrestling Federation: Mike Plow/DWF Women’s Title
Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation vs. Phoenix Wrestling Revolution: heel turn by Brandon Watkins in February leads to a massive inter fed PPV in September
Fans Wrestling Organization: Vox Nihili vs. Legion of Dairy/ The Entourage for supremacy of FWO’s Tag Team Division
High Octane Wrestling: Max Kael vs. Lee Best for control of HOW
PRIME: Lisa Tyler vs. Tyler Nelson for control of PRIME
Backstage in the locker room of Simon Sparrow, Sparrow is elated at his quick and decisive victory over Chris CK earlier in the night. Louis the Little Person is holding the briefcase as if it were the Holy Grail. Brian B.A.R.E. is in the locker room standing next to the man formerly known as Jatt Starr.
Brian B.A.R.E.: Brian Bare here with a EXCLUSIVE interview with Simon Sparrow. First off, what are your thoughts on Mike Best being gay?
Simon Sparrow: I don’t give a rat’s rectum if he fornicates with amputated sheep with brain damage. As long as he’s not a necrophiliac, it doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is this support he has to devalue the HOW Championship and the HOW as a whole by allowing outsiders to be involved in the Best Invitational. And this High Octane Board of Supervision idea? What a crock of monkey fecal matter! These people in the HOW are a bunch of egomaniacal SHEEP. A bunch of self-absorbed morons who will never admit that they are nothing but followers! Stick five people with massive egos in a room and see how much you get accomplished. It will fail….much like Mike Best has failed as a leader.
Brian B.A.R.E.: I see…so, Simon, a short while ago you defeated Chris CK and won yourself a guaranteed title shot against ANY champion in the HOW. Do you have any thoughts on which title you will go for?
Simon Sparrow: Brian, you are looking at a man of destiny….a man like me doesn’t take a decision like this lightly. It takes time and thought. Look at the options….I have never held the LSD Championship in my HOW career so obviously that is tempting. But then there’s the tag team titles. Why squander such a privilege on myself when I can share wealth!
Louis the Little Person: YEAH!!! YOU AND ME, SIMON!!! TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!! THEN ALL THE SEXY BITCHES WILL COME CRAWLING TO ME!!!
Simon Sparrow (to Louis): Don’t they have to crawl to reach eye level with you?
Louis the Little Person: DON’T MAKE ME BUST ONE OF YOUR KNEE CAPS!!! YOU KNOW I WILL!!! REMEMBER PHILLY?
Simon Sparrow (to Louis): I’m sorry! I was kidding. It was joke, Mr. Sensitive.
Louis the Little Person: You better be sorry!
Simon Sparrow (to Louis): Can you give it a rest? You have one job tonight. Guard the briefcase while I celebrate! It’s NOT that hard!
Louis the Little Person: I bet your wife says that to you a lot.
Simon Sparrow (to Louis): Don’t make me call your brother. You know the rules.
Louis the Little Person: I’m sorry. I was out of line.
Louis the Little Person takes several steps backwards with the briefcase in hand as Simon Sparrow glares at him.
Brian B.A.R.E.: Not to interrupt but you were saying Simon?
Simon Sparrow: Sorry. Right, which title should I go for. There’s of course the HOW Championship. It’s clear that Walrus McPoopypants has shown me nothing but disrespect since Rumble at the Rock, so I could use my contract there. But then again, why would I? The odds in the Best Invitational are in my favor. It is my destiny to steamroll through that tournament! It would be unwise of me to waste the contract on a title I will capture after I win the Invitational anyway.
But then there’s the HOFC Title. Held by the man who, along with four other men, brutalized and disfigured me in the middle of a wrestling ring, leaving me for dead. The man who was responsible for pulverizing my right testicle. Vengeance could finally be mine….should I decide to use my contract on the HOFC Championship.
And that brings us to Max Kael. The delusional degenerate whose sole reason for existence is to prove that he is superior to me. Tonight, I proved one thing I could do better than him….defeat Chris CK. Yes, I defeated Chris CK quicker than Max Kael did. I also proved that I could perform the Singularity better than Kael. And another fact is this….I would be a better ICON Champion than he would….IF I decided to use my contract to face him, that is.
Brian, the point I am trying to make is this….it doesn’t matter which title I set my sights on….what does matter is the fact that whichever title I target, it is my destiny to capture it….by ANY means necessary.
Brian B.A.R.E.: Can you give me an idea of when you will make your decision?
Simon Sparrow: I will make my decision on when, where, and which title will be the focus of my contract Thursday night on Turmoil!
Brian B.A.R.E.: YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!!! SIMON SPARROW WILL MAKE HIS DECISION AT THE NEXT TURMOIL!!!
Simon Sparrow takes the briefcase from Louis the Little Person and raises it over his head in the background.